some of my ramblings...

 

 

cursory rhymes

Bin Laden in my Garden

I wondered loudly as a Cow

The (W)hole economy

 

Cursory Rhymes

 

Celebrity ebrity where have you been?

I've been up to London to visit the Queen

Celebrity ebrity did it go well?

She pinned a nice medal thing to my lapel

 

This little banker went to market

this little banker worked from home

this little banker lost millions

this little banker broke down

and this little banker went

me me me” all the way home

 

There was a crooked man worked in the square mile

he took people's money and invested for a while

he bought a shiny new car, married a young Scouse

then moved to the country in a f...... great house

 

The Queen of hearts invited some tarts to try and lift the gloom

the knave of hearts he drugged the tarts and took them to his room

the king of hearts was jealous so he beat the knave – result

the policeman came and charged the king with battery and assault

 

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch their weekly pension

Jack fell down and broke his leg and needed some attention

Jill called 999 then waited for the am'blance

but the next day she got a call to thank them for their patience

 

Monday's child has plenty of money

Tuesday's child can't even buy honey

Wednesday's child has a banker for Dad

Thursday's child is a bastard - so sad

Friday's child is healthy and fit

Saturday's child is a fat little git

and the child that is born on Sunday at two

is left by the side gate at Chessington zoo

 

Ba ba bank manager have you any loans

wait sir, wait sir, I'm on the telephone

I've some for the rich men and some for Bahrain

but none for small businesses who work down the lane

 

Mary had a new mobile its cover white as snow

and once she'd bought more apps for it a fortune she did owe

she took it to her school next day against the bleedin' rule

but she don't care 'cos it makes her so trendy and so cool

and so the teacher turned her out and she went to the caff

where all the people laughed at her because she looked so naff

she got upset at what she heard and felt a silly cow

it turned out that her phone, you see, was out of date by now

 

Old King Cole got merry most nights and then he'd smoke some dope

he'd call for his pipe in the middle of the night

he'd call for three girls and some rope

every girl had a fine body and a very fine fiddle had he

imagine then, if you can, the scene

when the Queen came down for tea

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
When the drunks walked past, right,

no-one noticed, so he laid there all night

 

Little Miss Muffet sat on a chair
Eating her burger and chips
Along came a weirdo,
who nudged with his elbow
so she kissed him right there on the lips

Jack Sprat could eat no fat

his wife could eat a horse

so when he offered lentil soup

she filed for a divorce

 

Tom Tom the pipers son
kicked a pig and away he ran,
the pig was off duty and Tom was pissed
so all he got was a slap on the wrist

There was a young man called Clarlie

who never actually went to Bali

but he went here and there

didn't settle anywhere

so welcome to his finale

 

Nigel Farage runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,
never mind what they say, vote for me old cock

Two bleedin' MPs standing on one leg
One named Cameron, one named Clegg
Fly away Cameron, no you go away
we won't get re-elected if you stay

Hey diddle diddle Libdems & the fiddle,

Labour jumped over the moon

the SNP laughed to see such fun

UKIP ran away with the spoon...

...the fork became jealous so married a pig

the monkey gave birth to a pink macaroon

the scapegoat and duck threw a party for all...

...so the elephant's wife brought a yellow balloon

when he awoke the prime minister said:

I've just formed a new cabinet right there in my head”

 

Bin Laden in my garden

 

It was a fairly yucky morning

so when I'd finished ya...ya... yawning

I threw away my tear-stained pillow

went over to the bedroom window

I looked outside, then looked again

peering through the sodden rain

It surely must be some mistake

but there he was, stood with my rake

I felt my head, my eyeballs harden

that bloke Bin Laden's in my garden!

 

I shouted down “Oi, what's your game?”

he asked “how you come to know my name?”

I shouted back “you should be dead -

the Yanks, they shot you in the head!”

he laughed “that was my older brother -

'cos I escaped disguised as Mother”

I never go to the Pakistan,

'cos I was up in Lindisfarne.

I on my way to timbuktoo

to find a pregnant kangaroo!”

 

You must be joking”, came my reply

then he stopped, began to cry

I only wish a simple life,

with twenty kids and busty wife

I didn't mean to cause no harm

just wanted job on local farm”

It's too late now” I tried to say,

but he was gone – off on his way

I rang the Police: “I beg your pardon

that bloke Bin Landen's in my garden!”

 

He said ”no chance, the man is dead -

the Yanks, they shot him in the head!”

No, no, they shot his older brother -

and he escaped disguised as Mother.

He's on his way to timbuktoo

via Regents Park – I thnk the zoo”

Look 'ere chum” the Copper said

D'you think I stupid in the head?

Nothing what you say makes sense

in fact I'll charge you with offence”

 

I listened to the man with fear

I swear Bin Laden was just here!”

I'm coming to arrest you now

just when I've saddled up my cow”

That last remark, it made me laugh

and I awoke; was in the bath!

just then my mobile rang in tune

Pink Floyd: “the dark side of the moon

then whispering voice of my mate Maxy

That bloke Bin Laden's in my taxi!”

 

I wondered loudly as a cow

 

I wondered loudly as a cow

that plods in fields with gates of bars

when all at once I saw, somehow

a line of shiny motor cars

along the road, around the bend

the stalling traffic its way did wend

 

Continuous the brake lights shine

with the traffic nose to tail

the stretching, never-ending line

along the road to Borrowdale

scores of drivers showing grief

shaking their heads in disbelief

 

Walkers and bikers saw them, laughed

they out-did the almost statics cars

a driver could not but be daft

to sit in stifling metal jars

I grazed and grazed, with little knowledge

what caused the scene just o'er the hedge

 

For oft when in the field I lie

in vacant or in lazy moo'd

I see the picture in my eye

which spoils my splendid solitude

and then my head; it ha, ha, ha's

and laughs about the motor cars

 

with apologies to Wiliam Wordsworth

 

 

The (W)hole Economy

 

There's a black hole in the economy, dear David, dear David

There's a black hole in the economy, dear David, dear David, a black hole

Then fix it, dear George, dear George, dear George

Then fix it, dear George, dear George, sort it out

 

With what shall I fix it, dear David, dear David?

With what shall I fix it, dear David, dear David?, with what?

With A LOAN, dear George, dear George, dear George

With A LOAN, dear George, dear George, borrow it

 

From where shall I get the loan, dear David, dear David?

From where shall I get the loan, dear David, dear David, from where?

Try the ECB dear George, dear George, dear George

Try the ECB dear George, dear George, crawl to Frankfurt

 

But their terms are too stringent dear David, dear David

But their terms are too stringent dear David, dear David, too stringent

Then try the IMF, dear George, dear George, dear George

Then try the IMF, dear George, dear George, ask Christine

 

But they need a guarantee, dear David, dear David

But they need a guarantee, dear David, dear David, a guarantee

Then offer them one, dear George, dear George, dear George

Then offer them one, dear George, dear George, fudge it

 

But what can I offer them dear David, dear David?

But what can I offer them dear David, dear David?

Offer them our steadfast, growing economy, dear George, dear George, dear George

Offer them our steadfast, growing economy, dear George, dear George, stupid boy

 

There's a black hole in the economy, dear David, dear David

There's a black hole in the economy, dear David, dear David, a black hole

Then use your head, dear George, dear George, dear George

Then use your head, dear George, dear George, for a change

 

There's a hole...

 

 

 

 

 


 


 


 


 


 


 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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© Richard Finch