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PARTy Leader. MUST:
Have experience of using public transport and able to read timetables (or ask someone to explain).
Be willing to use own house for meetings (with Spouse to do the catering).
Be unknown in the UK (except to the other fifteen party members).
Have a hat to 'throw into the ring'.
Throw one's hat into aforementioned ring on time (i.e. BEFORE the deadline).
Be able to spurn advances of Nigel Farage (he used to be the Party Leader). No, the one before her.
Know what the job entails before you apply.
Name the last time England won the 1966 World Cup.
Not be called Neil Hamilton.
Not be called Christine Hamilton.
Apply to be leader of UKIP (see above).
The Tory Party conference is underway
but try not to let that spoil your day
during the week there will be laughs
good job they don't use a polygraph
MPs would surely go off the scale
as their behaviour goes beyond the pale
still, it gives the Labour 'opposition'
a chance to moan; no juxtaposition
as if anyone has all the answers
'bout letting in more foreign dancers
then next Monday back to the House
where they can openly moan and grouse
People are fussy: they make a pig's ear of things, they eat pigmeat,
they wear pigskin leather, buy a 'pig in a poke', they have pigtails
in their hair, make a pig of themself, use pigment to make paint,
some even live in a 'pigsty'; but serve them pigswill...
Overheard at the Arsenal training ground as a
reporter is introduced to some of the players:
"This is Callum Chambers, we call him Cal for short;
Petr Czech, Pet for short; Mohamed Elneny, Mo for short;
Olivier Giroud, Oli for short; the Manager Arsene Wenger..."
The front wheel on my bike was working fine,
until someone put a spoke in it.
Due to the wonders of (not-so-modern) technology Cliff Richard is to make a record with Elvis. They never met but this is how a phone call conversation may have gone:
Cliff: One night-I could easily (fall in love)-with you-my boy
Elvis: Don't-you're the devil in disguise-too much
Cliff: Do you wanna dance-on the beach-(cos i'm) stuck on you-it's only love
Elvis: I'm looking out the window-in the ghetto-I'm all shook up
Cliff: Please don't tease-I love you- it's now or never-(you are) always on my mind
Elvis: Are you lonesome tonight?-the day I met Marie-she's not you-(she's my) living doll
Cliff: Lucky lips-she's the girl of my best friend-devil woman-let me be your teddy bear
Elvis: Move it-way down-bachelor boy
Cliff: surrender-miss you nights...
Elvis: I just can't help believing-You ain't nothin' but a hound dog
Elvis: Alright, OK, you win-it'll be me!
A Bishop can only move diagonally?
"...build a fairer Britain in a peaceful world"
that's what Mr Corbyn said
if he read the papers or watched the news
he'd see that the 'world' is in a state of dread
I'm not one to shout about doom and gloom
but it's not just the markets going bust and boom
there are 'wars' here and there, many years long
bombers and gunmen, knife-wielders too
attacking the people who have done no wrong
but there are two major problems he didn't address
he can read about it most days in our own press
what will he do 'bout the new England boss
it's not just Sam's salary that's at a loss
and what about Rooney - should he should not?
so come on Mr Corbyn, please stop the football rot
Vagabondage: yes, they do it on the streets too apparently.
Big Sam's stopped blowin' bubbles
he got himself in troubles
he flew so high, nearly touched the sky
then his dreams did fade and die
the next question's not why but when and who
it could be 'him' or me or you
but it would be quite looney
to select Wayne Rooney
perhaps in these days of 'equal rights'
it could be a woman from the Isle of Wight
but prob'ly best not to go down that route
but to get a young bloke dressed in a suit
then just when you think that he's doing ok
he'll be off out, home, on his way
even if he wins his first away game
he'll miss his mum's knitting, oh what a shame
A dodgy looking bloke approached me in the street, looking
for "the local dealer". I told him I never played cards.
2020 living wage to be £10 an hour
if Labour somehow come to power
the problem is, and here's the rub
there's more chance seeing me down the pub
but much can happen in four years
there will be much more strife and tears
some things of course can be foreseen
England failing at world cup 2016
the guv'nor at the b of E
changing his mind from plan A to B
and most importantly of all
there'll be a new book of Mr Small
no-one will watch premiership football
and Mourinho manager of South Cornwall
A magazine can be quite entertaining,
unless it contains bullets
A mate used to work down the pit; now he's an examiner
There was a ex PM called Blair
who became a multi-millionnaire
he made lots of money
without being funny
that's why he drives us to despair
My teacher once said I was a dolt.
"But I'm only 12" I said.
It's Labour that and Labour this
they really are taking the ****
they can't decide on anyfinck
except they're going down the sink
opposition party? that's a joke
they are letting down the working folk
he'll reunite them Corbyn did quote
if he wins forthcoming vote
I thought that's what he did last year
instead he's made bleedin' pig's ear
Ma might give me something yummy in my sandwich
drivers on the road using the dog and bone
is something i cannot ever condone
it's dangerous at the very least
to text and drive a powerful beast
i hope the police will stamp it out
perhaps sit in bushes at each roundabout
people who do this must be deranged
i hope ... - hold on a sec the lights have changed
Stag dos are OK, but I have never
been a very good shot
so UKIP choose another leader
she must be a (un)lucky bleeder
now I'm not one to play odd games
but who the **** is Diane James?
anyway, with not a little baiting
"We're the opposition party-in-waiting"
shame they've only one MP
what's that you say, "who the **** is he?"
Grub is nice to eat
unless it's a beetle grub
i don't give a fig for bake-off
i prefer to make my own cakes to scoff
i don't care much for Mary Berry
i'd rather watch my mum skin a cherry
i'm not that keen on the others in the show
i'd rather read a book by Defoe
but for all that said, when it goes to channel four
i shall miss it more and more and more
because it keeps the country happy
that makes me a contented chappie
It takes a woman about nine months to go into labour,
but I can sign up in a couple of minutes online.
Mr Cameron is resigning
to do some kitchen designing
he doesn't want to be a "distraction"
which shows his dissatisfaction
of course he wanted to 'remain'
and to leave is such a pain
but there'll be sev'ral leaving parties
with some cake covered in smarties
then he'll go on holiday
to Bognor, maybe Colonsay
and get on with his new life
as husband, Dad with pretty wife
Basil is as daft as a brush
but useful in cooking
the palace of westminster is falling down falling down
build it up with posh new bars posh new bars
the posh new bars will soon run dry soon run dry
then build it up with lots more dosh lots more dosh
the public can't even afford their nosh afford their nosh
let them eat just humble pie humble pie
what about the ministers the ministers
we'll be ok in the new posh bars new posh bars
the more speed you take
the less haste you make
it's nearly twenty years since the 'white van man'
became the butt of jokes, like the caravan
considered inconsiderate and working class
it's even funnier now that it came to pass
that white is the favourite colour for a car
whether you eat burgers or caviar
but fashions, they come and then they go
you'd think clever people would know better, so
a man must be very dumb or just a jerk
to pay thirty grand for new white merc
It's great being an adult
but I don't like being called a dolt
where have all the village bobbies gone
long time passing
gone to squad cars everyone
where have all the squad cars gone
long time passing
been in accidents everyone
where have all the accident cars gone
long time passing
gone to scrap yards everyone
where have all the scrap yard cars gone
long time passing
become 'second-hand bargains' everyone
where have all the 'second-hand bargains' gone
long time passing
gone to young tearaways everyone
where have all the young tearaways gone
long time passing
become village bobbies everyone
when will they ever learn
(with apologies to Pete Seeger)
A salt and pepper pot is useful
Assault and battery is quite violent
Teresa May says Brexit will not be "plain sailing"
that's plain speaking, not wailing
she said that there will be "difficult times"
which is good for me, composing rhymes
there are still plenty of ifs, hows, whats and when
but when it's done we'll know it's then
as soon as someone knows what to do
they will do whatever it is, on cue
then someone else will follow suit
and others will no doubt contribute
then someone will sign on the dotted line
and celebrate with sparkling wine
it'll all work out, just wait and see
and everyone will be carefree
and will the brexiteers get awards?
yes, they'll all be in the House of Lords
Having Acrobat on your computer is useful
unless they are walking on a tightrope
in front of your screen
Mr Corbyn promises, if he is PM
(he's got more chance in Bethlehem)
to spend a lot of money, at least
thirty million in the poor south east
what's the point of promise
he'll never be in office
to be fair, the silly bleeder
may not even be Labour leader
it's like Leicester City, I fear
saying "we'll win the league this year"!!
The Yeti is a 'fearsome creature',
yet he has never been seen.
So Nicola has started a "new conversation"
which sounds very much like the last exhortation
rather than comment all evening long
i thought I'd just show some suitable songs:
'It's the same old song'
'We've only just begun'
'Here I go again'
'I saved the world today'
'Give me just a little more time'
'Dreams can tell a lie'
'A world of our own'
'Feel the need in me'
'The future's so bright I gotta wear shades'
and, finally, if it all goes pear-shaped:
'The bitterest pill (I ever had to swallow)'
It's good to go racing at Ascot
Nicola is a Scot
The Electoral Reform Society
that popular bastion of sobriety
has completed its Brexit report
with the following (obvious) retort:
'the campaign was dogged
by "glaring democratic deficiences"'
(trying rhyming that with fish and chips)
it appears that even 'Remainers', naive
persuaded more people to vote leave
politicians weren't just eating pork pies
but telling us lots of whopping lies
before you shout in condemnation
consider this ERC recommendation:
future referendums to have six month campaigns
seems it never spits it always rains...
sowing crops is easy
but not with a sewing needle
what do I think of that? so-so
One billion pounds in transfer fees
that's a lot for dodgy knees
no doubt some cartilige trouble too
plus a dickie heart or two
all will be revealed i'm sure
when they've played a game or four
did you notice transfer joke?
£89 million for Pogba bloke
but chap moves on for half a crown
from Manchester to Catford Town
the main question that this all leaves
how much today for Jimmy Greaves?
Tarmac makes a good road surface.
It's also a polite way to thank a Jock
overheard in a Dublin bar:
MICK: Murph, are you still working at that greengrocers in the high street?
MURPH: Sure, that I am. Why?
MICK: Well, I heard on the radio that for every apple sold, the greengrocer has to pay one hundred and six euros more in tax. How can he make a profit on that?
MURPH: I don't know. Maybe that's why today he told me to try and sell more pears.
MICK: No! don't sell them in pairs it'll cost twice as much tax!
It's good to belong, unless people are waiting for you...
bhs has closed for good
no more in your neighbourhood
struggled recent years, oh yes
stuck 'tween Primark/M&S
the staff are full of apprehension
there's not enough to pay their pension
meanwhile he - Sir Philip Green
the biggest .... (*) you've ever seen
is doing very well thank you
never short of revenue
likes to splash his dosh about
well, more than me, a lout
he may well yet make recompense
a few bob, well no offence
but two good things about the man
charitable and tottenham fan
PS> *insert your own word here (mine begins with 'c')
PPS> if his lawyer is reading, my name is "chap"
My Mum preferred ajax over vim
I prefer ajax over PSV Eindhoven
So Russia rewards its medallists
(some would say elitists)
with money and a German car
but team GB don't go that far
no matter they could try no harder
they'll make do with brand-new Lada
the team GB, they are still chuffed
but doesn't seem to be enough
there's talk aplenty of awards
like Knighthoods, Dames and House of Lords,
It's all too much, where will it end?
just because we 'spend, spend, spend'
how 'bout "Queens Award for Sport"
like those for Nursing or Export
Enterprise and Volunteers
Business, Bravery sincere
surely that would be as good
and give them street cred in their 'hood
Eating a sponge is lovely, unless your partner
has just washed their private parts with it
Wanted for the Labour Conference
"Security" - must show much ignorance
you must bring your own hard hat
flak jacket, things like that
daisy roots (steel-capped boots)
somewhat 'hard', not 'cute'
doesn't matter if gear is 'used'
must be politic'ly confused
apply in writing if you can
(sssh, preferably a Corbyn fan)
Going to the fair is good fun
have an affair can be too, but dangerous
Tom Cruise fourth on list of earners
not as if he is a learner
this year he earned just £40 million
enough for dolly bird as pillion
but spare a thought - this much is looney
it's three times more than our poor Rooney
Trumping is good if you are playing whist
otherwise it is rude
Nigel went to Mississippi
now i'm not saying he is dippy
but he went to Trump rally
it seems they are quite pally
he offered them advice
they thinking of paradise
that Trump can beat Hillary
forgetting Nigel's pillory
and his own rejection
he never won election
still, ended with all smiles
and Nigel earned air miles
There's a woman I adore, except when she slams it in my face
Down at the station, early in the morning,
See the little puffer trains, all in a row.
Here comes the driver to start up the engine,
Puff! Puff! Peep! Peep! Off we go!
Oh dear there's no seat
I'll have to stay on my feet
but first a picture just for you
me sitting down outside the loo
never mind it costs a bomb
I must behave with aplomb
after all I'm Labour leader
where's that Branson - greedy bleeder
Chuff chuff toot toot nearly there
I'll come back by taxi cab I swear
Murdering a ham sandwich is good
murdering a person is not
Food for thought
Team GB won 67 medals in Rio, courtesy of funding
to the tune of £350 million 2013-17, that's about £87.5
million a year. This is about the same as the club
wages paid to the members of the Euro 16 England
squad for the season 2015/16. And when it came to the
crunch, they were humiliated. Inspired? By who?
Watching Dave is funny
Having Dave as Prime Minister was not
All Night Tube
If you go down to the tube tonight
you're sure of a bleedin' shock
you'd better not wear a frock
for every weirdo that ever there was
will gather there for certain because
night's the time the weirdos are their weirdest
See them really run amok
they love to scare and shock
they may be drunk or high
don't think you can ignore them
watch out for horrid flying phlegm
annoying every passer-by
They'll probably cuss and swear
approch them if you dare
they may look for a fight
by six am they will have fled
and all gone home to bed instead
until to-morrow night...
(with apologies to Jimmy Kennedy)
Heroines are good
Heroin is not
Don't worry if you think
that the weather is a bummer
I hear that next month
will be an Indian summer
No, it was not a forecast
that I saw on the tele
but heard on the wireless
thanks to Radio Delhi
Theresa May, Theresa May walking through the Alps
Theresa May, Theresa May having won some scalps
who's left in charge
not Nige Farage
Theresa May, Theresa May, Theresa May...
I read the news today oh boy
about a journalist who made the 'plane
although the news was rather daft
well I just had to cringe
hence this whinge
He saw some athletes on his flight
they'd won gold medals just the other night
a crowd of passengers sat and clapped
they'd seen their faces before
nobody was really sure
if they would soon be in the House of Lords...
(Apologies to Lennon & McCartney)
Just where were you this last week-end
In the shops with money to spend?
Picnicking with fruit and cream
Or did you support your local team?
On the beach with new frisbee
perhaps you watched sport on TV
with so much choice it's hard to tell
who to watch and what to yell
Prima Donnas tumbling, diving on the floor
or do you not like football anymore?
too many medalists to mention here
but none by name of Vladimir
The Brits are doing jolly good
over in the Rio 'hood
some, of course, are millionaires
others fill in questionnaires
then they get some lottery money
which I think is very funny
for some - like Murray - it's their job
others have to earn a bob
you can't distinguish 'tween the two
all are brilliant at what they do
who's to say which skill is best?
a Murray lob or dive abreast
it's market forces that decree
who vacates in Necker, who Torquay
Laurel & Hardy, "Carry On" franchise
comedy has always put tears in our eyes
Morecombe and Wise, "Only Fools..."
amongst others, set new 'funny' rules
but now, for your pleasure
a comedic act to (not) treasure
for the dumb and the literati
I introduce... the LABOUR PARTY
Theresa, she wants Grammer Schools
but shorely they are just for fools
it done me no arm see, as a rule
to go to bleedin' Secondry School
can rite as good as any Police
as evidunced by this fine peace
GB womens rugby - great
through as group winners to last 8
forget the usual brawn v weed
these young girls are built for speed
not sure about Sir Clive's riposte
just how much did he bleedin' cost?
The biker men, they fell and lost
just how much did their gear cost?
the cobbles done it for the bikers
better off on foot like hikers
"like fish out of water" man from BBC said
should swap with swimmers; they good at tread
the season started at the cottage
down in London village
the toons were in town
but were left with a frown
so Fulham top the table
Newcastle just unable
to shoot and score
EU Referendum (Afterthought)
The 'activists' were clear: half wanted to "Remain", half wanted to "Leave". The other half did not have a bleedin' clue. Three halves? No wonder there was complete and utter confusion...
the chinamen are hot under the collar
"sign the ******* agreement" they holler
but we don't want their nuclear charms
we'd rather have lots of nice wind farms
nuclear power is so passe
there are better, safer ways today
no, not lighting candles, chump
but setting fire to Donald Trump
dave's in trouble once again
he's giving honours to 'Team Remain'
but his biggest sin is plain to see
he didn't bleedin' include me!