Welcome to my website; a place of pleasantry

Well, that's that then. finished. exactum eam. fini. terminado. afgewerkt. fertig. criochmaithe. skonczone. acabado. fardiga. ferdig. gorffenedig. hotovy. lauk. done...

8 Oct 18



You may have noticed that Mrs May is trying to put a stop to my website.  Several prominent people have come to my defence but to no avail.  You can do your bit.  If you think it's worth saving then e-mail your thoughts to ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;    TOO LATE!!




Rhymin' Timin'

BREXIT comes but once ev'ry few years

good job too, considering the tears

looks like going to the wire

before they leave us in the mire

not saying no-one knows what to do

but the whole thing is a ******* to-do

Dave had the right idea of course

leaving Theresa to be pantomime horse

but she finds it all to be a pain

after all, she voted to Remain!

putting ambition before one's belief

is bound to mean one comes to grief

where this all leaves the common man

i'm not allowed to say; 'cos of ban

on talking 'bout just men, not women

add to that gay, trans, those slimming

black, Asian, muslims too

not to mention those erstwhile Sioux

so where does Brexit leave us all?

It's still too difficult to call

but no more jokes 'bout 350 mill

Boris just said that for a thrill

he may be “waiting in the wings”

but that's just what newspaper sings

the truth, as he rests in Pennines

is he's forgotten all his lines...



On a blind date with with a peat digger, the lady waited in vain for  him to return after he said he had to go to the bog.


It's Edinburgh Festival time, and as usual, the 'papers are full of the best jokes, so I thought I would conjure some up of my own...


+ (ancient) History is guesswork written down.

+ I was feeling blue, so I watched the film Avatar.

+ A dyslexic woman walked into a bear...

+ MPs are like broken drawing pins: you can't pin them down

+ My wife and I share duties at home: she cooks and I eat; she cleans and I dirty; she goes out to work and I guard the house.

+ My wife said I should exercise more, so I rid her of all her evil spirits.

+ OK, so I haven't really got a wife, but those jokes would not have worked with my dog...

+ Ok, so I haven't got a dog either, but those jokes would have been even worse with my bike

+ A dyslexic man walked into a bra; he immediately knew he had boobed

+ Why did the hedgehog cross the road? Because hedgehogs can't use a footbridge.

+ MPs are like mud wrestling teams: it's difficult to tell whose side they are on

+ Why did the tall man and short woman get on so well? They could talk at length...



In his History paper, the student was asked to write about the 18th century soldier, Cornwallis. He started: “Cornwall is in the south west of England...


Never a dull Moment with Boris:


Boris fell down the stairs on his way to an interview with a newspaper reporter, banging his head badly at the bottom. He was stunned, and could only answer the reporter's questions by reciting Elvis songs...


Reporter: What was it like working as Foreign Sectretary?

Boris:    ...if every day was like Christmas

Reporter: And what did you really say to Mrs May?

Boris:    I'm leavin'...until it's time for you to go

Reporter: What did she say?

Boris:    It won't seem like Christmas (without you)...

          I want you, I need you, I love you... fool

Reporter: And what did you say to that?

Boris:    It's now or never

Reporter: You have moved out of Carlton Gardens; where are you living now?

Boris:    In the ghetto

Reporter: And how do you feel about the situation now?

Boris:    All shook up

Reporter: So, ... have you spoken to Mrs May since?

Boris:    (shaking his head) Gotta lotta livin' to do

Reporter: There's talk of you wanting her job...

Boris:    I'm left, you're right, she's gone

Reporter: You're the Devil in disguise... sorry, couldn't miss that. Do you think Mrs May is aware?

Boris:    Don't be cruel...your time hasn't come yet Baby...

I just can't help believing

Reporter: But you would like her job?

Boris:    Always on my mind... if I can dream

Reporter: Well, we'd better leave it there, thanks

Boris:    I've got a thing about you Baby...are you lonesome tonight?

Reporter: Well, I could meet you for a drink...where?

Boris:    Heartbreak Hotel... let me be your teddy bear

Reporter: Calm down

Boris:    You make me feel like dancing

Reporter: That wasn't Elvis!

Boris:    No, sorry, Leo Sayer.  My head is feeling better



A woman sent her husband to the supermarket to buy ingredients for a stew. After half an hour, he rang to say “I can't find a pulse anywhere”, so she called an ambulance.


Happy(?) Holidays?

They've had their last asssembly now

partied like they don't know how

tidied desks, they did remember

not back until early September

brought gifts for Head of fudge and sweets

(she told them to in personal tweets)

Headmistress said 'there's no homework

maybe read the life of Alexander Selkirk

but don't forget 'bout Brexit though

and any ideas, then let me know'


'Oh yes Miss, I'll do as you say;

I'll send a text from St Tropez'

'and I'll send tweet from flat in Hove,

but don't expect a thing from Gove'

I don't suppose that Boris will

he's swallowed plenty bitter pill

and so the Politicians lie... on beach

and scoff on magnums, two pounds each


And if the country hits a crisis -

although unlikely to be ISIS -

we can at least be reassured:

Chancellor's in Norfolk Broads

Home Secretary – Norwegian fjord

Nigel has been made a Lord

Boris – put to the sword

Harry Kane, once more has scored

new Brexit plan is mighty flawed

the rest of us...? completely bored



The plumber told the lady " you need a new geyser" so she left her husband and found herself a new man.



Will soon be season - once again - to be folly:

The World Cup's done for four more years

that means there will be no more tears

at least until new season starts

then see your fav'rite team - like Hearts

there's bound to be some things we saw

like human pyramid when they score

or camera shots of luscious 'birds'

ok, no, probably just yobbo herds

and then there'll be the local derbies

and players falling like broken Barbies

but don't laugh when they roll about

he may have hiccups, wind or gout


there'll be no penalty shoot-outs though

they're not much fun in wind and snow

the refs, of course, will speak same lingo

they won't be coming from Santa Domingo

nor Honolulu, Greece, Peru

but more like Burnley or London Zoo

No VAR, no short film clip

ref to decide if dive or trip

and if he gets it wrong again

he can't exactly blame Sinn Fein

he's had three months to get eyes sorted

and out of ground he'll need escorted

and then the fans will let him know

... the football season's in full flow



An unemployed driver was given a small part in a film. He was told to drive fast down the road swerving from side to side, so he ending up making a career out of it.



Give us a Song...


To lighten the mood in the evening at the recent Cabinet meeting at Chequers, Theresa May asked each Member to sing a song. The title had to include the word “I” or “me”. Voted the top ten were:

David Davis                             I surrender

Theresa May                           I believe in miracles

Liz Truss                                 I don't believe in miracles

Andrea Leadsom                    Come go with me

Philip Hammond                     I can see clearly now

Gavin Williamson                    I don't want nobody (telling me what to do)

Liam Fox                                 I won't back down

David Lidington                       I don't wanna lose you

Karen Bradley                         I'll come when you call

Sajid Javid                              Take a chance on me


A special prize for the worst:

Michael Gove                          I'm a little christmas cracker


A special prize for the funniest:

Boris Johnson                         I'm forever blowing bubbles


Special guest appearances:

Jacob Rees-Mogg                 Oh bury me not on the lone prarie

David Cameron                     Mama told me not to come

Jeremy Corbyn                      I'm gonna tear your playhouse down

Nicola Sturgeon                     I'm not gonna let you (get the best of me)

Donald Trump                       What's it all about? [Oh it has to have I or me in the  title?

                                                   Well, everything has Me or I in it}



Overheard in the Pub

A bloke walks into a pub...

Bloke:       What's all these flags for? Why is so busy?

Drinker1:   It's the football! England are playing tonight!

Bloke:       Playing what?

Drinker1    It's the World Cup!

Bloke        Oh, not cricket again?

Drinker2   What? No, football. It's the Football World Cup! Where have you been?

Bloke        Oh. So who's playing?

Drinker1    England and Belgium

Bloke        I thought Belgium were in the EU, and we were leaving the EU, so why did England choose   to play Belgium?

Drinker1   This is the WORLD Cup! We didn't choose to play Belgium, they are in our Group

Bloke       What Group?

Drinker2   Group G. There are 32 teams, split into eight groups of four, and the top two go into the knockout rounds...

Bloke        Knockout rounds!? That's boxing!

Drinker2   NO! In the Group stage you play the other three teams in your Group, so you can still lose and progress to the knockout rounds, where if you lose – you're out of the competition.

Bloke       So did we “get out of our Group”?

Drinker2   Not yet, but we will after tonight's game, whether we win or lose

Bloke       How come, if we lose...

Drinker1   Because we won our first two games, and that was enough. It's the same for Belgium.

Bloke       So why bother playing?

Drinker1  Well, because we have to. Both teams will probably put lots of reserves in tonight. But it might be better if we lose anyway, then we get easier teams in the knockout.

Bloke       I won't bother asking why that is. So is Messi Ronaldo playing for England tonight?

Drinker2  Messi Ronaldo!? You're 'avin a laugh? They are two different players and neither of them are English; or Belgian.

Bloke      Well, I don't follow football. Much. I did read that in a game last month England must have been bad because they said that even the best player was dire.

Drinker1  That'll be … oh never mind. Why don't you join us at our table and we'll explain things as the game progresses...

Bloke      Ok...

Drinker1  By the, way I'm Bob Jennings and this scabby Arsenal fan is Jim. What's your name?

Bloke      Er... Wayne. Wayne Rooney.



Video Assistant Refereeing anyone?

VAR is being used at the World Cup Finals for the first time. There has been much discussion of what would have happened at previous World Cups had the system been in use; for example Maradona's “hand of God” goal v England in the Mexico Finals, 1986. But what about other events in history???


In 1066, VAR may have shown that, at the Battle of Hastings, Harold was not killed by an arrow, but poked himself in the eye when trying to eat a ham sandwich during a lull in the fighting, and fell under his own horse...


In 1605, VAR may have shown that Guy Fawkes was just 'having a fag' in the basement when he was on guard duty at the Houses of Parliament. The Guard Commander didn't like him anyway...


In 1962, VAR may have shown that Lee Harvey Oswald was merely watching the motorcade through his new binoculars (given to him by his mate Jack Ruby) when President Kennedy was fatally shot...


In 2003, VAR may have shown that it was Tony Blair that persuaded George Bush to invade Iraqi during their meeting at the White House on 31 January.


In 1974, VAR may have shown that it was a complete stranger who killed Lord Lucan's Nanny and attacked his wife before the aforementioned disappeared...


In 1912, VAR may have shown that the crew of the Titanic at first ignored the iceberg because they thought it was a wigwam thrown overboard by a(nother) passing ship...


In 1962, VAR in the offices of Decca Records may have shown it was Mick Jagger that persuaded Dick Rowe not to sign the new 'rock and roll' band The Beatles. (Decca subsequently signed The Stones)...


In 1446BC (or 1440BC or 1513BC or 1312BC or some other date), VAR on Mount Sinai may have shown that it was not on three stones that Moses received the Ten Commandments from God, but by text on WhatsApp...


In 1969, VAR in Area 51, Nevada, may have shown Neil Armstrong jumping down from his 'spaceship' and pretending it was the Moon. He was meant to say "That's one small step for man, but one giant leap by Bob Beaman”, a reference to the American who had annihilated the World long jump record the previous year at the Mexico Olympics, but at the last minute he forgot the athlete's name...



So, Donald Trump was on the plane to Singapore and to while away the time, was remembering some of his favourite ditties.


Ring a ring a G7,

a committee made in pure heaven?

excuse me , excuse me, we don't get on


This 'club' they call G7,

you know, we should let Russia and Israel in, that'll make er... eleven

believe me, believe me it'll be fun

we'll get on fine just like in heaven


Veni, vidi, ego futui eam


Twinkle, twinkle, greatest man
the greatest president that ever ran
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, greatest man
the world is lucky, yes I can!


Mirror mirror on the wall

rest assured I am the fairest of them all. True.


The stars at night, are big and bright,
deep in the heart of Texas,
The prairie sky is wide and high,
deep in the heart of Texas.
The sage in bloom is like perfume,
deep in the heart of Texas,
Reminds me of the one I love:


Baa, baa black sheep
Have you any wool
Yes sir, yes sir
many bags full

One for my master
And one for his dame
And one for each of the other
ladies part of his game



I once had a teacher - Miss Pell - but nobody could write her name properly...


What if?

Unimpressed with the England squad for the forthcoming World Cup, Mrs May decides to send her own team instead...


Goalkeeper:   John Bercow           Despite lack of height, as Speaker he is good at deflecting

                                                      shots on target

Right Back     Nigel Farage           Right back where he was 5 years ago – anonymous.

                                                      Good at organising post-match drinks

Centre Back   Phil Hammond       Good tackler. Good at set pieces. Gives nothing away

Left Back       Dianne Abbott         A bit wayward but good at scything down opposition

Right half       Michael Gove         Scottish, but couldn't even get in their team! Persuaded

                                                         Manager he could play better

Centre Half    Tony Blair                Likes to attack, but also good in (self) defence

Left Half        Gavin Williamson     Young, untried, but (apparently) good in defence. Best on

                                                      right but just had to be in team...

Right Wing    Theresa May           Unusually, Manager and Captain who picked team.

                                                      Spreads the ball well. Good when in the corner

Inside Right   Boris Johnson         Likes to dribble. Opposition never know what he

                                                      will do next, or which way he will turn

Inside Left     Tom Watson            Vice Captain. Contract pays little but makes up

                                                      with bonuses and expenses

Outside Left  Jeremy Corbyn        Sulks, and tends to argue with team-mates but good at

                                                      lobbing balls into centre


                     Amber Rudd            Good at passing (responsibility). Can play in

                                                     defence or attack

                     David Davis             Knowledge of foreign teams a bonus. Good with referees



Can't think of another name for a large jug? Ooh-er.



It's True, I tell you...


+ 15% of traffic on the M25 at any one time is going the wrong way.

+ When you have read 30% of The Sun you are nearly halfway.

+ 80% of MPs think they are doing a better job than their predecessor, but 80% of

ex MPs think they did a better job than their successor.

+ Only 75% of Corbyn supporters can spell his name, 20% cannot spell it and 5% cannot spell “it”.

+ 19% of viewers watching the Royal Wedding thought Prince Charles was Megan's Dad, 5% thought William was Harry's Dad and 24% - who had watched "The Windsors' Alternative Wedding" - thought Harry would end up marrying Pippa.

+ 100% of cats are not dogs.

+ 40% of US citizens think Mr Trump is doing a good job, 50% a bad job and 10% have never heard of him.

+ 45% of UK Citizens think Mrs May is doing a good job, 45% a bad job and 15% think I should have paid more attention in maths lessons at School.

+ 12% of people who voted for UKIP in the 2016 General Election, thought the party was offering more sleep.

+ Due to a mix-up at an online ticket bureau, 200 Royal Wedding guests arrived at Wembley for the FA Cup Final, whilst 200 Man Utd fans arrived at Windsor... The wedding guests quickly realised the error and arranged coaches to take them to Windsor, but the Man Utd fans only realised when the congregation did not fight back.



What is 2 times 2 for?


According to Mark Twain, it was Disraeli who first suggested:

There are lies, damned lies and statistics”.

I humbly suggest “there are lies, damned lies and...


the Leave Campaign.

Prince Charles' insistence that he knows how the 'other half' live.

George Bush and Tony Blair's reasons for invading Iraq.

The House of Lords' attendance records.

Philip Green's autobiography.

Donald Trump's golf score card.

MP's expenses (yawn).

The e-mail informing you that you have won a cruise/car/helicopter.

Russia's insistence that it had nothing to do with the Salisbury poisoning.

Mrs May's promise that there will be an agreeable BREXIT.

Alex Salmond's RT radio programme.

UKI Party.


How Many???


how many nukes could a nuclear nation launch

if a nuclear nation could launch nukes?

a nuclear nation would likely launch all the nukes it could

if a nuclear nation could launch nukes

then how many tantrums could that man trump throw

if that man trump could throw tantrums?

to be sure, that man trump would throw all the tantrums he could

if that man trump could throw tantrums

please then, how many press-ups could president putin perform

if president putin could perform press-ups?

probably, president putin would perform all the press-ups he could

if president putin could perform press-ups

moreover, how many members might Mrs May mimic

if Mrs May could mimic members?

maybe Mrs May might mimic all the members she could

if Mrs May could mimic members

but then how many beastly blunders could Boris bellow

if Boris could bellow beastly blunders?

bloody obvious that Boris would bellow as many beastly blunders he could

if Boris could bellow beastly blunders

finally, how many fine fellows (and females) could Finch flatter

if Finch could flatter fine fellows (and females)?

flippin 'ell, Finch would flatter all the fine fellows (and females) he could

if Finch could flatter fine fellows (and females); but he cannot...



When asked who was his worst-ever sitter, Leonardo da Vinci replied "that moaner Lisa..."



a(nother) new UKIP ditty...


Our Nigel went over the ocean, our Nigel went over the seas.
our Nigel went over the ocean, now we're down on our knees

come back, come back, oh come back our Nigel to us, to us
come back, come back, we'll even send our own bus


Last night as I studied the voting, last night as I looked at our loss
last night as I studied the voting, I wish you were still UKIP boss

come back, come back, oh come back our Nigel, today, today
come back, come back, we'll let you get your own way


I heard on your radio show, you didn't really want to exit
I heard on your radio show, you blame it all on brexit

come back, come back, oh come back our Nigel tonight
come back, come back, oh Nigel for once get it right


I am sure you would come back to us, I am sure you would come back now,
I am sure you would come back to us, so Nigel forget your old Frau

so... come back, come back, oh come back our Nigel at once, at once
come back, come back, oh Nigel don't be such a dunce


Confused? Given that he is bald, how can William be “hair” to the throne?


By Jingo, a luvverly song...

(with apologies to the Sherman Brothers)



even though the sound of it is something quite ferocious

if you say it loud enough you'll always sound ridiculocious


because I was afraid to sing when I just joined the House

the Speaker gave me nose a tweak and said I was a louse

then one day Boris taught a word that saved me aching nose

the biggest word I ever heard and this is how it goes:


even though the sound of it is something quite ferocious

if you say it loud enough you'll always sound ridiculocious


so when the vote's not gone your way, there's no need for dismay

just sing this word or shout it out from Dover to Calais

but better use it carefully or it may cause mayhem

one night I said it to me boss and now she's the PM!


even though the sound of it is something quite ferocious

if you say it loud enough you'll always sound ridiculocious



Men dips are not a form of exercise but a range of hills in SW England



Who's a little teapot?...


I'm a silly President bald and big; here's my charisma here's my wig

When I get all fed up hear me frig: "Sack yet another one and call thingumajig!"


I am a football Manager, was a half-back; here's my millions here's my mac

When my team is losing hear me yak: “Get yer bloody finger out or i'll get the sack!”


I am a party leader dreaded and feared; here's my bike and here's my beard

When I get all harrassed hear me go weird: "Get me another notebook this one's dog-eared!"


I am a Cabinet Minister feeble and weak; here's my silly voice and here's my beak

When I get all flustered hear me squeak: "Close down my Twitter there's been another leak!"


I am a nice President the smartest of men; here's my palace here's my doyenne

When I don't get my own way hear me then: "Send for the Gendarme they're on strike again!"


I am an ex-Prime Minister bold and brash: here's my CV and here's my cash

When I get ignored then hear me thrash: "Everyone but me just talks balderdash!"


I am a single Mum and a bit of a slob; I have five kids but I aint got a job

When they ask about their Dad you can hear me sob: “I dunno eh, but I think his name was Bob”


I am a female newsreader sexy and cute; here's my t-shirt – I don't wear a suit

when I'm underpaid hear me shoot: “I'll split on you Sir if I don't get more loot!”


I am a football fan, gentle and kind; here's my team shirt – the best you'll find

When my team are losing hear me grind: “What's the matter Ref, are you …..... blind?”


I'm a little Dictator short and stout; here's my rocket, here's my dugout

When I get all lonely hear me shout: "Fire another one and knock them out!"


I am a young NEET but I don't give a stuff; here's my bed and a nice bit of rough

When I'm told to get a job you can hear me bluff: “I can't work today cos me girl's up the duff”


I am a pretty thing with my own Sugar Daddy; here's my Butler and here's my Caddy

When someone says NO, see me get in a paddy: “So don't bother me you silly young laddie”


I'm a white van man so watch it eh!; here's me speedin' on the motorway

When someone cuts me up I politely say: “You. Move. Now. Touche!”



Not to be outdone by these Cockney Geezers, Sister Squeaker (Mr Speaker) asked me to come up with some:

Government Rhymin' Slang

Cat 'n mouse                              (House)

Odd-Bod                                   Black Rod

Bunch o' Broads                          House of Lords

Jack's Surprises                          tax rises

Crap Selection                           snap election

Opposition abolition                     coalition

Hunky Dorey                             Tory

Scary stories                             Tories

Love thy neighbour                     Labour

Bob-a-job                                Nick's old mob

Indigestion crime                        Question time

Fixing fences                             MPs' expenses

Plumber regress                         Summer recess

Plenty of Jars                            Members' Bars

Nobbly Knees (MPs)

Minor Morris                              Boris

Yukky mauve                             Gove

Moaner Lisa                              Theresa

JustlikeMavis                             David Davis

Gimme more gin                        Jeremy Corbyn

Prince Mabel                             Vince Cable

Twee Smog                              Jacob Rees-Mogg

Great Pleasurer                         Mr Treasurer

Out & About (Out and About)

Clowning suite                           Downing Street

Slumber pen                             Number ten

Binge eating                             Cabinet meeting

Pig pen                                   Big Ben

Mars bars                                Ministerial cars

Just a bit Shabby                      Westminster Abbey

Beans and Peaches                   Queen's speeches




Pussy Cat Time


Prime Minister, Prime Minister, what did you do?

I went to Brussels to meet the EU

Prime Minister, Prime Minister, what did you there?

I frightened the lot of them with my grey hair


Prime Minister, Prime Minister, did Boris go too?

No, I cleverly sent him away, to Peru

Prime Minister, Prime Minister, who then did you take?

I just took myself, a flask and some cake


Prime Minister, Prime Minister, what about Brexit

What Donald (Tusk) said was quite explicit

Prime Minister, Prime Minister, does he fancy you still?

He insists on teaching me skiing, downhill


Prime Minister, Prime Minister, was the trip a success?

It made me realise that Brexit's a mess

Prime Minister, Prime Minister, what happens next?

Told Donald if he wants a date, send me a text



Man of the Moment?


Rats it's Putin


he'll be coming round the Urals when he comes

he'll be coming round the Urals when he comes

he'll be coming round the Urals

coming round the Urals

he'll be coming round the Urals when he comes


he'll be driving a white Lada when he comes

he'll be driving a white Lada when he comes

he'll be driving a white Lada

driving a white Lada

he'll be driving a white Lada when he comes


he'll be wearing white pyjamas when he comes

he'll be wearing white pyjamas when he comes

he'll be wearing white pyjamas

oh, sorry it's a judo suit

he'll be wearing his white judo suit when he comes


he'll be hoping to met Boris when he comes

he'll be hoping to met Boris when he comes

hoping to met Boris when he comes

hoping to met Boris

he'll be hoping to met Boris when he comes


he'll be bringing a small packet when he comes

he'll be bringing a small packet when he comes

he'll be bringing a small packet

bringing a small packet

he'll be bringing a small packet when he comes


oh, Theresa will expel him when he comes

oh, Theresa will expel him when he comes

oh, Theresa will expel him

Theresa will expel him

oh, Theresa will expel him when he comes


he'll be back in time for breakfast when he comes

he'll be back in time for breakfast when he comes

he'll be back in time for breakfast

back in time for breakfast

he'll be back in time for breakfast when he comes


So, everyone is blaming Russia for the "attack" on Sergei Skripal,

but what would other countries use to kill their ex-double agents?


Afghanistan           a poison-tipped kite

Argentina             a battleship

Australia              a poison-tipped boomerang

Belgium                poisoned chocolates

Canada                suicide mountie

China                  a tank in Trafalgar Square

Colombia             drug overdose

Cuba                   exploding cigar

Egypt                  crocodile

France                 poisoned snails

Germany             gift of tainted lederhosen

Iceland                poisoned fish fingers (sorry that's the shop)

India                   poisoned curry

Japan                 suicide geisha girl

Madeira               poisoned cake

Malaysia              peashooter

Mexico                poisoned taco

Netherlands         tainted tulips

North Korea        water pistol

Spain                 suicide flamenco dancers

Switzerland         exploding cuckoo clock

US                     alligator




The recent furore regarding Jeremy Corbyn's "friendliness" with East Europeans during the 'Cold War' got me thinking.  About the games people play...


I Spy                         Jeremy Corbyn                    ...naturally

Blind Man's Bluff       Michael Gove                       both, perhaps

Musical Chairs          The Cabinet                         next!

Hide & Seek             Vince Cable                          who/what/when/where?

Monopoly                  Philip Hammond                  relying on the bank?

Hopscotch                 Nichola Sturgeon                ...between the lines

British Bulldog           Nigel Farage                       bully for him

Piggy-in-the-middle    David Davis                       “She says...they say”

Conkers                      Michael Barnier (EU)        strings attached

French Cricket            Jacob Rees-Mogg            made-up name

Kiss and Chase          Jeffrey Archer                   innocent m'lud?

Leapfrog                     Gavin Williamson             jumped the queue

Marbles                       Nick Clegg                       lost his?

Pooh sticks                  Tony Blair                       “Iraq?... water under the bridge”

Ring a ring a roses      UKIP                               ...we all fall down

Rock-Paper-Scissors   Kim Jong-un                  a game of bluff

Simon says                  Donald Trump               ...naturally

Snakes & Ladders       Theresa May                 up... and down...

Truth or Dare               Boris Johnson               neither really


A song by "Anon"...

(with apologoies to Messrs Gamble, Huff,  Gilbert and Billy Paul)


Me and Mrs May
We've got a thing going on
We both know that it's stupid
But we met on OK-Cupid
...can't let it go now

We always meet in Downing Street
Nine thirty and no one knows she'll be there
Holding hands, making all kinds of BREXIT plans
While the Cabinet plays a game of mahjong

Me... and... Mrs... Mrs May
We've got a thing going on
We both know that it's stupid
But we met on OK-Cupid
...can't let it go now

We got to be extra careful
We can't do this in Blackpool
Because she's got BREXIT obligations
and West Brom face relegation


Me... and... Mrs... Mrs May
We've got a thing going on
We both know that it's stupid
But we met on OK-Cupid
...can't let it go now

Well, it's time for us to be achieving
We fail so much, we fail so much, besides
... she'll vote her way and I'll vote mine
Tomorrow we'll eat
Grilled lemon plaice, with some thyme


Me... and... Mrs... Mrs May
We've got a thing going on
We both know that it's stupid
But we met on OK-Cupid
...can't let it go now



Winter Polyimpians

Imagine... Politicians put out a team in the Winter Olympics:


Downhill                  Theresa May                  speaks for itself...

Ski Jumping            David Davis                    a leap into the unknown

Curling                    Gavin Williamson           a new broom...

Slalom                     Nichola Sturgeon            need to be good at turning

Bobsleigh                Michael Gove                  need a ride?

Figure Skating         Philip Hammond             ...on thin ice

Luge                        Diane Abbott                   ...head first

Skeleton                  Boris Johnson                . .. feet first

Snowboarding         Jeremy Corbyn              slippery with jumps

Speed Skating         John Bercow                  a   l o n g  sprint

Short Track Skating Jacob Rees-Mogg         may well get knocked over

Biathlon                    Amber Rudd                   need to be a good shot

Ice Hockey               Lib-Dems                        free-for-all

Rheindeer racing     UKIP                               discontinued



Twinkle, twinkle Mrs May

your cab'net is in disarray

up above the world so high

all you've done is nidify

twinkle twinkle Mrs May

please make Boris go away


Confused?  You won't find any apes in an apiary


It's 2022...

Boris's Bridge is falling down,

falling down, falling down.

Boris's Bridge is falling down,



Build it up with mars bars,

buy some multi-packs

Build it up with mars bars,

Chancellor dear


Mars bars will melt and break

melt and break, melt and break,

mars bars will melt and break,



Build it up with money saved from the EU,

where is it anyway, anyway?

Build it up with money saved from the EU

Chancellor dear


£3.50 saved from the EU is not enough

not enough, not enough

£3.50 saved from the EU is not enough



Build it up with Boris bikes,

get on yer bike

build it up with Boris bikes

Chancellor dear


Boris bikes have all been stolen

all been stolen, all been stolen

Boris bikes have all been stolen



Then build it up with Boris buses

they cost enough

Then build it up with Boris buses

Chancellor dear


Boris bus drivers are all on strike

all on strike, all on strike,

Boris bus drivers are all on strike



Then tear it down and start again,

get the builders in

tear it down and start again

Chancellor dear


But the Contractors have gone bust

they've caved in, caved in,

But the Contractors have gone bust




Early Man.  Look out for Aardman's new film, coming soon.  The main character is a caveman named Dug.  No, not this one:


Oh when the Spurs go marching on

oh when the Spurs go marching on

I wanna be in that number

when the Spurs go marching on


Oh when the sun refuses to shine

oh when MPs refuse resign

I just return to my slumber

when MPs refuse resign


Oh when the moon, the moon turns red

oh when The Queen moves to Birkenhead

I'll dance the street the rumba

when The Queen moves to Birkenhead


Oh when that trumpet, it sounds that call

when the PM hands over to Timothy Spall

I'll slice myself a piece of cucumber

when the PM hands over to Timothy Spall


Oh when the stars, fall from the sky

when women wear a suit and tie

I'll swinm across the river Humber

when women wear a suit and tie


Oh when the drums begin to bang

when young Harry loses his posh twang

I'll watch a bit of “Outnumbered”

when young Harry loses his posh twang


Oh when the horsemen begin to ride

when Jeremy is qualified

i'll go and burn some rottten lumber

when Jeremy is qualified


Oh when the fire begins to blaze

when Nigel gets deserve'd praise (?)

I promise to disencumber

when Nigel gets deserve'd praise (?)


In the style of “Quartermaster Stores”:


Oh it's inappropriate behaviour when people ask a favour

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

Oh it's inappropriate behaviour when people ask a favour

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

mine eyes are dim, I cannot see

I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me


We do as we're told or Theresa will scold

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

We do as we're told or Theresa will scold

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

mine eyes are dim, I cannot see

I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me


We don't refer to Brexit, we prefer to call it Britshit

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

We don't refer to Brexit, we prefer to call it Britshit

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

mine eyes are dim, I cannot see

I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me


We laugh at Boris too, 'cos he doesn't have a clue

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

We laugh at Boris too, 'cos he doesn't have a clue

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

mine eyes are dim, I cannot see

I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me


We loved your budget Phil, now don't forget your pill

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

We loved your budget Phil, now don't forget your pill

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

mine eyes are dim, I cannot see

I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me


Our jobs are not for life , because we've ALL got a wife

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

Our jobs are not for life , because we've ALL got a wife

in the cabinet, in the cabinet

mine eyes are dim, I cannot see

I'm wearing my rose-tinted glasses, me



Banging a nail into a piece of wood is NOT a lumbar puncture.





Abbreviations - new meanings






Good sense of humour

Generally short of hearing



Never snogged


Own house and car

Only have a cat


sense of humour

Suffering of herpes


Very good sense of humour

Virgin gingerly seeks old husband


Young at heart

Yes am hungarian


Tall dark handsome

Totally drippy headcase


Would like to meet

Willy little tongue massive


Buying a car?



Electric front windows

Eminently f...... worthless


Full service history

Filled several holes


Heated rear window

Heavy rain? – watch (out)


Left hand drive

Large handling deficiency


Central heating

Clutch hopeless


Lights spray and wipe

Loose wheels (and) steering


Power assisted steering

Piston absolutely shot


Right hand drive

Radiator has defects


Good condition

Generally crap


House hunting?



gas central heating

Garden shelters homeless


Off street parking

Oven stinks permanently


First time buyer

Full (of) terrible botches



Full (of) holes



Lots (of) holes


Double glazing

Deadly gas (installation)


Carpets and curtains

Cheap and cheerful


Offers in the region of

Other idiots ran off


Or (very) near offer

Only (very) nonsensical offers


Price on application

Price obscenely artificial



nothing new on here for ages...

have a look at the other pages...



Conservatories Manifesto – Slogan Typos



FORWARned to get her!

FlawWould get her

yOuR boreD? whatever

FOResaw blue weaTHER

yOuRsWoulD? no nevER



DimLeb Manifesto – Slogan Typos






IrKING, you too?





Laybore Manifesto – Slogan Typos


FOR gerMANY - NOT crewe

FOR THE MAN - NOT THE M wimmin, phew


FORget MANY - s'NOT true

FOuR a penny – kNOT THE clew

mORe of THE bennie – NOT THE glue

FOR her when e's – got THE Flu

thereFORe THE MANY – not a clue

not THE MANY - for A FEW


Who's in the Zoo? (at Election Time)


I love going to the zoo, especially at Election time, how about you?

Zoo, zoo, who is in the zoo at Election time to visit?

I love going to the zoo

how about you?


Let's go see what Theresa says:

In tough times, everyone has to take their share of the pain;

Why, only last week, I walked across the road in the rain!”


If you are from an ordinary working class family, life is just

much harder than many people in politics realise;

Last week a young mother of five told me she could not afford £130

on a new pair of shoes. Now that was a surprise”


Look who's over there by the swings. It's Jeremy Corbyn! What does he say?

'United we stand, divided we fall' is one of the oldest

and truest slogans on the Labour movement;

If we don't want to fall there must be a dramatic improvement”.


Labour Party members must all be free to criticise and oppose

injustice and abuse wherever we find it;

I will not tolerate any member of my party who, referring

to our manifesto, offers discredit”


Over there, by the pond, Tim Farron has lost his tongue, so Nick Clegg will

speak on behalf of the LibDems. I wonder what he says?

You see people literally in a different galaxy who are

paying extraorinarily low rates of tax;

Bloody Martians”.


We need to teach our kids, because there is such a celebrity culture at the

moment, that however rich you are, however famous you are, however

glamorous you are, everyone has to live by the same rules;

That's why I'm sending my kids to proper posh schools”.


And just when you thought it was safe, something has crawled out

from under a stone over there. It's Tony Blair. What does he say?

I want my son to grow up in a place where the people are more powerful

than the government and not the other way around;

As soon as he is old enough he will be moonbound”.


The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes;

That' why I couldn't say no to George, I guess”.



One Brexit has been finalised, we will be in a position to sort out

our immigration problem; by reparation, repatriation, or even maybe



On the (Election) Buses...


The wheels on the SNP bus go round and round, round and round
The wheels on the SNP bus go round and round, all over the Country


The Press on the SNP bus would rather listen to Motown, rather listen to Motown

The Press on the SNP bus would rather listen to Motown all over the County


The Leader on the SNP bus does not come cheap, does not come cheap

The Leader on the SNP bus does not come cheap all over the Country


The manifesto on the SNP bus serves the same old dish, same old dish

The manifesto on the SNP bus serves the same old dish all over the Country


MPs on the SNP bus worry that their number of seats will shrink, number of seats will shrink

MPs on the SNP bus worry that their number of seats will shrink all over the Country


Alex is not on the SNP bus due to lack of headroom, lack of headroom

Alex is not on the SNP bus due to lack of headroom, all over the Country


The new buzz word on the SNP bus? Indyref2far, Indyref2far

The new buzz word on the SNP bus? Indyref2far all over the Country



The wheels on the UKIP bus go round and round, round and round

The wheels on the UKIP bus go round and round all over the Country


The Leader on the UKIP bus is heading for a splashdown, heading for a splashdown

The Leader on the UKIP bus is heading for a splashdown all over the South


The UKIP bus is also heading for the scrapheap, heading for the scrapheap

The UKIP bus is also heading for the scrapheap all over the South East


The Press on the UKIP bus are not Polish, Press are not Polish

The Press on the UKIP bus are not Polish all over the County


Nigel's on the UKIP bus but only for the drink, only for the drink

Nigel's on the UKIP bus but only for the drink all over the Town


The mood on the UKIP bus is doom and gloom, doom and gloom

The mood on the UKIP bus is doom and gloom all round the village


£10 of petrol in the UKIP bus won't get them very far, won't get them very far

£10 of petrol in the UKIP bus won't get them very far; just up the road



The wheels on the Labour bus go round and round, round and round
The wheels on the Labour bus go round and round, all over the Country


The mood on the Labour bus goes up and down, up and down
The mood on the Labour bus goes up and down all over the Country


The language on the Labour bus goes bleep, bleep, bleep; bleep, bleep bleep
The language on the Labour bus goes bleep, bleep, bleep all over the Country


The pollsters on the Labour bus go I wish, I wish, I wish; I wish, I wish, I wish
The pollsters on the Labour bus go I wish, I wish I wish all over the Country


The Leader on the Labour bus goes rethink, rethink, rethink; rethink, rethink, rethink
The Leader on the bus goes rethink, rethink all over the Country


Union members on the Labour bus suggest new broom, new broom, new broom
Union members on the Labour bus suggest new broom, new broom all over the Country


The Press on the Labour bus go ha ha ha, ha ha ha
The Press on the Labour bus go ha ha ha all over the Country



The wheels on the Tory bus go round and round, round and round
The wheels on the Tory bus go round and round, all over the Country


Boris on the Tory bus acts the clown, acts the clown

Boris on the Tory bus acts the clown all over the Country


The old codgers on the Tory bus go sleep, sleep, sleep; sleep, sleep, sleep

The old codgers on the Tory bus go sleep, sleep, sleep all over the Country


The Leader on the Tory bus is schoolmarmish, schoolmarmish, schoolmarmish

The Leader on the Tory bus is schoolmarmish, schoolmarmish all over the Country


The manifesto on the Tory bus is written in pencil not ink, pencil not ink

The manifesto on the Tory bus is written in pencil not ink all over the Country


The Press on the Tory bus are locked in a box room, box room

The Press on the Tory bus are locked in a box room all over the Country


Discussions on the Tory bus go blah, blah, blah; blah, blah, blah

Discussions on the Tory bus go blah, blah, blah all over the Country



The wheels on the LibDem minibus go round and round round and round

The wheels on the LibDem minibus go round and round all over the Country


The Leader on the LibDem minibus always wears a frown, wears a frown

The Leader on the LibDem minibus always wears a frown all over the Country


The Presss for the Libdem minibus follow in a jeep, follow in a jeep

The Presss for the Libdem minibus follow in a jeep all over the Country


Optimists on the LibDem minibus are made to feel foolish, made to feel foolish

Optimists on the LibDem minibus are made to feel foolish all over the Country


On the LibDem minibus there's no room for a sink, no room for a sink

On the LibDem minibus there's no room for a sink all over the Country


With so few MPs on the LibDem minibus there's still plenty of room, plenty of room

With so few MPs on the LibDem minibus there's still plenty of room all over the Country


After the Election on the Libdem minibus, they'll only need a car, need a car

After the Election on the Libdem minibus, they'll only need a car all over the Country



don't forget to view the pictoons in "Gallery"


Rhymin' Leaders - the Bleeders


Jeremy Corbyn sat in the "New Inn"

writing his list of 'to do'

there came Mr Beckett

said "what about Brexit?"

the reply? "I haven't a clue!"


LibDem Tim Farron sat with young Karen

reciting the LibDem MPs

there came a young voter

said "that's a small quota,

I can't vote for any of these"


Theresa May laid in the hay

answering questions galore

there came quite an awkward one

she replied "look here Son,

I 'aint gonna answer no more"


UKIP's Paul Nuttall sat on a small wall

wondering where he should 'stand'

there came his advisor

who was none the wiser

but said "how 'bout West Noddyland?"


Nicola Sturgeon sat on the lap of a surgeon

admiring her new shiny shoe

there came a young Pete

"what if you lose lots of seats?"

"Nae bother - it's indyref2!"


Two Green Party Leaders sat under some bird feeders

hoping to get votes from the young

there came with a swoop

a crow for a poop

"I've a funny taste on my tongue"



Some people live in luxury;

others hope for luck surely.


Election Stuff...

Thursday the 8th June: Election Day. It's also the day of the Diamond League Athletics Meeting in Rome. What if MPs and Athletes got their diaries mixed up? What would the UK's representation in Rome look like?

Well, according to most, it should be a short sprint for THERESA MAY back to No 10 so she is a must for the 100 metres, maybe doubling up with the 200m. PHILIP HAMMOND, with a bit more stamina, will do the 400m. Long distance runners? Forget it. For JEREMY CORBYN, he knows there are too many obstacles to stop him getting to No 10 so he might be good at the 3,000m steeplechase. There are 28 hurdles and 7 water jumps for him to clear: great practice! Talking of hurdles, it looks like TONY BLAIR is our man for the 110m hurdles; its renowned for its false starts. The hammer requires a large man who can throw heavy things about whilst emitting a curious unitelligible sounding noise: BORIS.  Remember the Lib Dems? TIM FARRON has a hard job to get them back to 'winning ways'; it's the high jump for him if he fails. But to make the Lib Dems feel wanted, NICK CLEGG can drive the coach to Rome, and the remainder can form the relay squads (4 plus 3 reserves). NICHOLA STURGEON, of course, is not an MP (being a MSP) so is not elligible to take part but she could continue her subservience to ALEX SALMOND, collecting the javelin for him after he has launched it at several of the opposition. What needs a good run up... a spring in the step...a great height... and a sharp, thumping landing the other side? It's ED MILIBAND for the pole vault. Of course, it was NIGEL FARAGE who greatly influenced the need for Brexit and the Election, so he can be a Starter (of course he can be trusted with a gun). There's just time to name the manager, who must be good a organising juveniles on a foreign trip: JUSTINE GREENING.


OK, an election rhyme (probably the first of some)

(with apologies to Edward Lear)


The PM and the cabinet 'went to the Country'
in a dutiful, pristine showboat
she took some ideas, and some 'oh dears'
wrapped up in an old five pound note
the Chancellor looked up to the stars above
and sang and danced with a twirl
'Oh lovely PM! Oh PM my love
What a beautiful PM you are girl
a pearl, a pearl
what a beautiful PM you are girl!'


PM said to the Chancellor, 'You silly bastardl!
What stupid words you sing!
I'm a married woman, and we have an election to win
and a bigger majority to swing'
They rallied away, for six weeks and a day
to the land where the electorate groans
And there in a wood Nichola stood

saying 'indy ref2 you knows
you knows, you knows
we'll have indyref2 you knows'


Dear Nichola, are you willing to sell

for this old five pound note, your indyref2?'

Said Nichola, 'I will'
So Nichola took it away, and the PM won the next day
and celebrated – quite perky - with the set from Notting Hill
They dined on mints, and danced to Prince

dressed in onesy ball pantaloons
and with a great handstand, via the Strand,
she returned home on the 8th June

the 8 June, the 8th June

the PM returned to No 10 on the 8th June

(a footnote to the tale: PM was no mate

the £5 by now was out of date!)


From Russia, with love

(with apologies to Lionel Bart, Matt Munro)


From Russia with love to you G7
we've travelled around to bomb, burn them to heaven

much wiser since our goodbye to you

we laugh at your feeble threat of thumbscrew

and we're not scared of your woollen glove
you must return from Russia with love

We've seen places, faces that smiled for a mo

but only until Assad bombed them so

still our hands are tied with pride

we do like to be beside the (Syrian) seaside

you would not let your love for us show above
you must return from Russia with love

To Russia you flew but there and then
we suddenly knew you'd care again
our kowtowing to you is definitely through

but then, we're sure, you always knew

Mr Putin is no mere turtledove
to you G7, from Russia with love



(Another) Brexit Song

(with apologies to Fred McFarlane, Allen George, Chaz Mishan, David Delazyn, Jason Desrouleaux, William Attaway, Irvine Burgie)


Brexit, Breeexit, Brexit come and I wanna go home

Brexit, I say Breeexit, Brexit come and I wanna go home
Brexit come and I wanna go home


Work all night for the JD Sports
earn £2 and three liquorice allsorts

workers rights? I could write a tome
(Brexit come but I can't go home)


Wife works all day in Banker's house
treated like a slave by his dolly bird spouse

even cleans the hair from her dirty comb

(Brexit come, they won't let us go home)


Get my dinner from the local food bank
piece of stale cheese, some discarded lamb shank

out-of-date bread that tastes like foam
(Brexit come and I wanna go home)


Work in the fields on my only day off
pinch some lunch from the farmer's pig trough

might be better off as a garden gnome
(Brexit come and I better go home)


Share a small flat with another three mates
...and my wife and three kids, that makes eight

not much space to walk or roam
(Brexit come and I maybe go home)


Didn't get a vote for the referendum
seems like most people chose at random

maybe suffering from UKIP syndrome
(Brexit come and I may need to go home)


Come, Mr Taxman, how much do I owe?
can you wait until I win the rollover lotto

might try begging outside Brighton Dome
(Brexit come, can't afford to go home)


Came to the UK to start a new life
Nicola said I should have gone to Fife

probably be better off going to Rome
(Brexit come and I better go home)


Went on a rally with other immigrants
got beaten up by some local vagrants

hit on the head by a tube of hard chrome
(Brexit come now I'm really goin' home)


Brexit talks, they do not go well

makes it more expensive to buy and sell

Everybody fall out with the UK

doesn't matter if you are straight or gay


A long as you're not from east of Dover

you are very welcome to come over

Brexit come, now they're sending me home

Brexit come, now they're sending me home




The discovery of more oil west of Shetland has come at an appropriate time, as

Scotland prepares to leave the UK. Prime Minister-elect Sturgeon says that the

money generated by the oil will fund the new 350 mile bridge planned to join

Scotland to the rest of the EU; from Dunbar in never-neverlands – sorry,

Scotland - to Harlingen in the Netherlands. Meanwhile, President-elect Salmond is

drawing up plans for “Alex's Wall”; a two foot high double wall following the current

English-Scottish border. Although the wall will be funded by central government,

Mr Salmond is hoping local communities along the route will sponsor the flowers

which will be planted inside.


President Trump has made a 'miner' alteration to ex-President Obama's “Clean Power

Plan”. Using a stick of charcoal to sign the Order, the President repeated his

pre-election promise that “...the minors are coming back”, although it is believed he

was confusing the good news for coal miners with the increased spending on nursery places.


Following the naming this week of “Cristiano Ronaldo Airport” in Madeira, there are plans

to pay a similar tribute to Wayne Rooney, the ex-England striker. Some ideas are: renaming

the hotel in Salford where he had sex with a prostitute in 2010 as “Wayne's Place”;

renaming the hotel in Watford where he was allegedly drunk whilst on 'International duty'

as “Wayne's Bar” and renaming a back passage in Croxteth, Liverpool, where he grew up,

as “Rooney Way”.


Meanwhile, old people are searching their houses for any 'threepenny bits' (last seen

pre-decimal in 1971) after it was discovered that they will fit all vending machines when

they are converted to take the new £1 coins. A spokesperson for the Royal Mint, when

asked for comment, said “...bugger”.



A friend of mine works for the Chancellor in the Exchequer. 

Another friend used to work as a quality controller

in a cake factory.  He's an ex-checker.



Not on your Nellie


To New York
a travelling circus came
they brought an intelligent? man
Donald Trump was his name
one dark night
he slipped out in the pouring rain
and off he ran to Washington
and was often seen again


Asif the American voted for Trump
and said hello to the circus
on it went with a trumpety-trump
trump, trump, trump
so Asif the American packed his case
and trundled back to his birthplace
off he went with a trumpety-trump
trump, trump, trump


Night by night
he danced the circus way
when Trump was leading the big parade
he looked so proud and gay
No more tricks for him to perform
he was best when he could coquet
they tried to teach him etiquette
but he just could not reform


Day by day
he danced the circus way
when Trump was leading the big parade
he looked so proud and gay
No more tricks for him to perform
he was best when he could write new rules
they tried to stop him making them fools
but he was just getting warm


The head of the Senate was calling
just out of jail
they met one night in the dodgy light
on the bridge to Annandale
so Trump the President packed up his desk
and said goodbye to the circus
off he went with a trumpety-trum
Trump, trump, trump.


It's not fair that George Osbourne get all the fun. What if? Magazine Editors:


Attitude-Nichola Sturgeon                 Birdwatch- Silvio Berlusconi

Buses-John Major                                Carp talk-Nigel Farage

Comic Heroes-Donald Trump            delicious.-Anne Widdecombe

Diver-Jamie Vardy                               Earthmovers-George W Bush

Exclusively British-Andy Murray        Felt-Madonna

Focus-George Osbourne(!)                   Gamesmaster-Jose Mourinho

Grow Your Own-James Nesbitt           Gurgle-Jeremy Corbyn

Holiday Living-Prince Harry               How It Works-Stephen Hawking

Let's Talk-Bono                                     Making Money-Rupert Murdoch

Mens' Fitness-Vladimir Putin              Money Observer-Sir Philip Green

Photoshop Creative-Cliff Richard       Word Search-David Beckham

Racing Ahead-Lance Armstrong         Real Crime-Jeffrey Archer

Chap-Boris Johnson                              Lady-Vanessa Feltz

People's Friend-Robert Mugabe           People's Friend Special-Kim Jung-un

Uncut-Sarah Ferguson                         Yarn-Tony Blair

Trout & Salmon-Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmon



I hate words that are pronounced the same but spelt

differently, but that does not make me homophobic.


Georgie Rhymin' Time


Georgie Osbourne, greedy is he

had a job, or two or three

when another came along

he took that too, "what's wrong?"

Show him the way

Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I did a little job about an hour ago
And it’s gone right to my head
Everywhere I roam, see
to Tatton, Westminster, Derry St or Chelsea
You can always hear me singing this song
show me the way to go home


Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
my constituents are hassling me
And it’s gone right to my head
but I'm on my way to the House of P
'cos need to put in my expenses, see
so you can always hear me singing this song
show me the way to go home


Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I must make an editorial decision
And it’s gone right to my head
shall I allow a joke about Donald T
or will he set the CIA on me?
I would rather be singing the same old song
show me the way to go home


Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
my investment advice is right up the creek
And it’s gone right to my head
Every time they ask my advice Honey
I just tell them to borrow more money
I'm sick of singing this bleedin' song
show me the way to go home


Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I'm so confused about my work
And it’s gone right to my head
I don't know whether I'm coming or went
and all that money still gets spent
I've forgotten about the bloody song
just show me the way to go home



Yesterday it was announced that a second vote to allow women members of Muirfield Golf Club was successful. This follows last year's vote when the (obviously male) members voted against such a move. Rather like indyref2 then. If at first you don't suceed... I understand that Scotland have also applied for a rematch of the Calcutta Cup match played last Saturday because they weren't happy with that result either (England 61 Scotland 21).

Talking of equality for women, apparently there is movement afoot to get some equality for women whose husbands are given a Knighthood. At present, of course, they are given the title "Lady", but in order to be equal to men whose wives are given a Damehood, in future they may get no title, just plain old "Mrs".

Meanwhile, George Osbourne, MP, having secured a £650,000 per annum job for an American finance company - four days a month - has put forward a suggestion that Parliament moves to a 'three day week'. "I will find it difficult to carry out my weekly job for Blackrock, in addition to the (very) lucrative speeches I give, nip into the House of Commons now and then for the odd vote, AND still find time to pop up to the local office in Knutsford to sort out my Constituents' problems. Bear in mind - as SNP Member Mhairi Black says, Parliament is a waste of time, as nothing gets done - so three days a week should be ample to sort out the Country's problems. I may even be tempted to do a stint as a football 'pundit' too; I try and seek out Mokkersfield's result each week you know. Sorry, that should read Macclesfield".

There was uproar at the Church of England yesterday as it was announced by the European Court of Justice that Employers can now ban the wearing of any "...political, philosophical or religious sign...". This means that vicars must now wear 'smart casual' clothing when taking Services, although the Archbishop of Canterbury - because of his stature - can wear a suit.

Following the increasing furore over footballers suffering brain damage from heading the ball, it has now been disclosed that female players are much more likely to suffer than males. To this end, the FA has made immediate plans to redesign goals so that they are only two feet high, which will dispense with the need to head the ball. In order to allow teams to train new, shorter goalkeepers, the new goals will not be brought in until next season, said Ed Sunn, FA spokesman.


a pucklie rhyme

Wee Nicola Sturgeon rins through the toun

upstairs and doonstairs in her nicht goun

tirlin at the window cryin' at the lock

are you ready for another vote for it's noo time Jock


Hey Nicola Sturgeon are ye comin' ben?

ma wife wants to see ye, don't ye hen?

she wants tae clype ye aboot yer referendum

kis ye can take it see, and stick it up yer bum


Twickers chorus

Swing low, sweet victorious English coach

Coming for to carry them to the pub

next week we'll be at it again

against the Irish; ah there's the rub


Swing low, sweet Scottish team coach

Coming for to carry them home

thankfully next week is an easier game

at Murrayfield to the team from Rome


Donald's  wormy song

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me

I think I'll appoint a new official

Big fat juicy ones,

Eensie weensy squeensy ones

See how they wiggle and squirm!


Down goes the first one

down goes the second one

Oh how they wriggle and squirm

away goes the first one,

away goes the second one,

Oh how they wiggle and squirm!


I bite off the heads, and suck out the juice,

And throw the skins away!

Nobody knows how fat I grow,

On new officials three times a day!



Not many like Owen Farrell, the England No 10,

because they think he is a bit standoff-ish.


TOP Knews

Some Coppers are bent!

PM says NI rise "fair"!

Footballer tried to win match!

Two-year-old did not recognise Queen!

UK and Scottish Governments disagree on 'indyref2'!


Lernin Inglish

I was sat on a bridge

eating a sandwich

(containing spinach)

thinking about our language...


I remember, when in Wichita

we got on well, had rapport

I looked at the floor

picked up an oar

my hand was sore

and then I saw

what I thought was your

pet labrador

but stared in awe

recognising the dinosaur


I was the only heir

but did not care

a cross I must bear

I may be millionaire

but no, not debonair

I watched a film, a premiere

about a town's new lady mayor

who lived in the square

I knew her family, they're...

living abroad, France somewhere


Top Knews

Richest pupils dominate top schools!

Sax(ophone) to be taught in all schools!?

Teacher came out (as gay)!

BBC to have cookery show!

Some children don't sleep very well!

Football fans invade pitch!

Scottish MPs differ on need for second referendum!

Cars recalled due to defect!

NHS Managers earn lots of money!

Smart meters aren't always accurate!

UKIP hierarchy argue!

Trump claims are false!

Fruit and veg served in Scottish schoools may have to be cut!



Depending on your occupation/hobby, you can easily get a thick lip,

trench foot, cauliflower ear, housemaids' knees, tennis elbow, smokers'

cough, be all thumbs, turn a blind eye; but you would have to go on a

dating website to get a mountaineer.


have you looked at my 'pictoons' in the Gallery?


Overheard on the Golf Course (Trump International Golf Club, Florida):


DT: Hello Roly

RM: It's Rory Mr President

DT: Oh, call me Donald on the course Rawry. So your from an Island, which one?

RM: Not an island, Ireland

DT: But that's an 'island' too 'aint it?

RM: Well, yessir I suppose it is

DT: Is that the one that has a "North" and "South"? Which are you?

RM: North

DT: Is that the one with the dreaded IRA?

RM: No, that's the South, Eire

DT: Airer? What's that?

RM: That's the Irish for Southern Ireland... Sir... er..., I think there's a man in that tree over there...

DT: Oh, don't worry about him. He'll only shoot if you play really well...

on to the third hole:


on to the fifth hole:

DT: So that's a four for you and a three for me

RM: Did you include the bit where you kicked the ball closer to the hole?

DT: Oh, you noticed? Nah, I was just scraping some mud off my shoe

RM: Er, OK but why did you kick mine further away?

DT: I thought it was mine - to give you a chance

So what do you think of my proposition - to persuade Nigella Farage to come and be my White House cook?

RM: I think you are getting the two mixed up. Nigella is a cook, Nigel is a ... a politician.

DT: Oh, right; but Nigella is the pretty one?

RM: Yes, gorgeous!

DT: You like her? I can arrange for her to fancy you. She loves me. True. She told me on the phone, but I reminded her that Melania is my first love. You know, I shouldn't tell you, but all the gorgeous women of the world love me. They just keep on calling...

RM: No thanks, I'm very happy with Erica

on to the ninth hole:


on to the 15th hole:

RM: Er, your Aide has just broken my best putter. I -

DT: It was an accident. He was just trying to see how tough it was. Not very tough was it? So this North and South Island. Are they both in this Brickshit thing?

RM: That's just the North. The South is not part of the UK

DT: Oh, like Scotland

RM: Yes, Scotland is... part of the UK

DT: But little Nicola told me herself – when she rang the other day – God that women adores me - that they were leaving. She and her fishy friend Salmon were going to organise it, she said. True.

RM: Well, I don't know about that Sir. It's a hot topic.

DT: Well, good luck with that.

On to the 18th hole


On to the 19th hole

Rory finds himself alone at the bar. The barman pours him another drink, then goes back to watching TV.

RM: What are you watching?

Barman: Oh, just The President, giving a speech to some businessmen.

RM: When was that?

Barman: It's live

RM: But I've just played golf with the man, er President! He said he was just going to have to make a phone call!

Barman: Oh, was that you? Hah. The man you played golf with was just one of The President's decoys. Name of Geoff Bennett... He's good eh?


Some new 'cursory rhymes'

Old Mother May went to her in tray

to find if there's any good news

but then she looked sad

all the news was bad

enough to drive her to booze


There was a crooked man who bought a shopping giant

but sold it years later for less than a robin reliant

in the meantime he stripped out all of its assets

left the said shop with nothing but huge debts

when it was suggested that he pay for the pensions

he said straight away "I have no such intentions"

now he's been persuaded to cough up some money

reminding his wife "we've still got billions Honey"


I am a little troublemaker

short and trim

I can't stand her

and I can't stand him

when Theresa says "no chance"

hear me shout

"another referendum;

we want out!"



I used to be a serious thinker; now I'm expensive.


Oscars 2017 - and the winner is...(not)

what if...

Nobel Peace Prize 1939... Adolf Hitler

NME Best New Band 2005... The Smurfs

Booker Prize for Fiction 1997... Labour Party Election Manifesto

Train Operator of the Year 2016/17... Thomas and Friends

BAFTA Award - Best film not in the English Language 1995... Braveheart

British Academy TV Award - Best Comedy 2016... Labour Party Conference

British Academy TV Award - Best Comedy Duo 2016... Nicola Sturgeon, Alex Salmond

Oscar - Best makeup and hairstyling 2017... Donald Trump

HM Queen's New Year's Honours 2017 KBE... Nigel Farage; for innovation towards the fostering of International Relations


Another Trump in the Wall (with apologies to Pink Floyd)

I don't need no education

we don't need no Fort De Gaulle

no retaliation in the Senate

hey! Judges! leave them Bills alone!

all in all it's just a few million dollars for the wall


I don't have no education

what the hell is thought control?

only nihilism in the classroom

teachers left me well alone

all in all it's just another few million dollars for the wall


We don't need no immigration

all we need is border control

no complaining in the Senate

leave my Executive Orders well alone

all in all it's just a another few more million dollars for the wall


TOP Knews

Millionaire striker scores goal!

Woman gets promoted at work!

The seas contain rubbish; seen on land too!

Woman works as a butcher!

Burglar climbed over wall!

There are other planets!

The whole country has weather!


Here's another I wrote earlier...

Bin Laden in my garden

It was a fairly yucky morning

so when I'd finished ya...ya... yawning

I threw away my tear-stained pillow

went over to the bedroom window

I looked outside, then looked again

peering through the sodden rain

It surely must be some mistake

but there he was, stood with my rake

I felt my head, my eyeballs harden

that bloke Bin Laden's in my garden!


I shouted down “Oi, what's your game?”

he asked “how you come to know my name?”

I shouted back “you should be dead -

the Yanks, they shot you in the head!”

he laughed “that was my older brother -

'cos I escaped disguised as Mother”

I never go to the Pakistan,

'cos I was up in Lindisfarne.

I on my way to timbuktoo

to find a pregnant kangaroo!”


You must be joking”, came my reply

then he stopped, began to cry

I only wish a simple life,

with twenty kids and busty wife

I didn't mean to cause no harm

just wanted job on local farm”

It's too late now” I tried to say,

but he was gone – off on his way

I rang the Police: “I beg your pardon

that bloke Bin Laden's in my garden!”


He said ”no chance, the man is dead -

the Yanks, they shot him in the head!”

No, no, they shot his older brother -

and he escaped disguised as Mother.

He's on his way to timbuktoo

via Regents Park – I think the zoo”

Look 'ere chum” the Copper said

D'you think I stupid in the head?

Nothing what you say makes sense

in fact I'll charge you with offence”


I listened to the man with fear

I swear Bin Laden was just here!”

I'm coming to arrest you now

just when I've saddled up my cow”

That last remark, it made me laugh

and I awoke; was in the bath!

just then my mobile rang in tune

Pink Floyd: “the dark side of the moon

then whispering voice of my mate Maxy

That bloke Bin Laden's in my taxi!”



s l o w   n e w s   day

The BBC, it seems to me, is going slightly crackers

they say we must protect our home appliances from hackers

unfortunately this warning came too late for me today

my toaster threw my breakfast in the air onto the tray

it wasn't even done the way I usually like to eat

it then began attacking me by biting at my feet

I tried to hit hard using a rolling pin I had

but was jumped on by my kettle; which made me flaming mad

I ran out of the kitchen, my head hurting from the bruise

cursing that the BBC should broadcast stupid news

things calmed down, and I now I'm reading some old books

but my microwave is giving me some very funny looks...


Talking of such nonsense

don't think I am just dense

I would also like to report

good news the Chancellor brought

the Government made a surplus

in January's circus

but before you get excited

and the Chancellor is Knighted

it just means that our borrowing

will not be quite so harrowing

and he'll still need to fudge it

when it comes to next month's budget



A man went into the Travel Agent's to book

a holiday. "Where do you want to go", he

was asked. "Cor, phew, I don't know,

somewhere I can ski."




A few people changing jobs next week. First is David Cameron to replace Arsene Wenger as Arsenal Manager. He has - he says - been an Arsenal fan since watching them win the 1936 Cup Final, paying tuppence 'apenny to stand and watch with his Grandad. There was some confusion this week when Mr Wenger issued a statement on Twitter, saying that he would "...definitely manage next season...". Unfortunately, due to the restrictive nature of Twitter, the last words of his statement - "...on the money I have made whilst at Arsenal" were missing.

David Cameron is to be replaced by Paul Nuttall (ex UKIP Leader) just... sorry you didn't know? - just as soon as David Cameron's job has been identified. Meanwhile, applications for UKIP Leader are to be sent on the back of a £50 Note to Nigel Farage c/o European Parliament, Brussels or Strasbourg or Luxembourg or the Pig and Whistle Whitechapel.

Peter Stringfellow and Bilko (Bercow as some people refer to him) meanwhile, are swapping jobs because they are both experienced at working with big girls' blouses. This upset Prince Harry as he was hoping for the Stringfellows job, which he described as "...right up my street" (he recently moved into a flat in Upper St Martins Lane). He (Harry) was due to be replaced by Bob Ajobi - he came 43rd in last year's Britain's Got Talent - who was going to do the job on behalf of Barnardos to highlight how difficult it is for a young single person to live without a regular income.

Tony Blair had been the front Runner for the UKIP job but, unfortunately was arrested yesterday after a visit to Poundland, where he has "an account". Walking past the queue at the till he held up a packet of chocolate chip biscuits, telling the assistant to "put a £1 on my account". Outside, however, he was found to have TWO packets in his bag. In his defence, he told Police that whilst collecting the biscuits, another assistant had said "Bog Off", and he took that to mean 'buy one get one free'. He is said to be consulting his Barrister - the daughter of a "Scouse Git" - about the matter.


Here's one I wrote earlier:


Watch on You Tube with pictures:


I wondered loudly as a cow (with apologies to Wiliam Wordsworth)


I wondered loudly as a cow

that plods in fields with gates of bars

when all at once I saw, somehow

a line of shiny motor cars

along the road, around the bend

the stalling traffic its way did wend


Continuous the brake lights shine

with the traffic nose to tail

the stretching, never-ending line

along the road to Borrowdale

scores of drivers showing grief

shaking their heads in disbelief


Walkers and bikers saw them, laughed

they out-did the almost statics cars

a driver could not but be daft

to sit in stifling metal jars

I grazed and grazed, with little knowledge

what caused the scene just o'er the hedge


For oft when in the field I lie

in vacant or in lazy moo'd

I see the picture in my eye

which spoils my splendid solitude

and then my head; it ha, ha, ha's

and laughs about the motor cars




Tony Says (with apologies to 1910 Fruitgum Company (honest!))

I'd like to play a game
That is so much fun
And it's not so very hard to do
The name of the game is Tony Blair says
And I would like for you to play it too


Tony Blair says

cut off your right arm
wriggle the knife all about
Tony says
Do it when Tony says
that will teach you to vote out


Tony Blair says
cut off your left arm
hack the bone if it's stiff
Tony says
do it when Tony says
and you'll cause no more mischief


Tony Blair says
pat your self on the back
are you enjoying this fun game?
Tony says
do it when Tony says
...oh you can't? That's a shame


Tony Blair says
it serves you bleedin' right
should not have listened to him
Tony says
you did it when Tony said
now your life will be grim



If you score "under par" when playing golf; that's good.

In any other sport, an "under par" performance is bad...


Corbyn Blues (with apologies to Mick Jones, Joe Strummer/The Clash)

My Honourable friends, you must let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you like much aplenty
I'll be here till 2020
So you must let me know
Should I stay or should I go?


I'll always hesitate
You think I am third rate
One day is fine and the next is cack
So if you want me off your back
Well, come on and let me know

Should I stay or should I go?

If I must go then tell me why

I will not wear a suit and tie

If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know


The indecision's rather annoying
some of you are merely toying
Exactly who I'm supposed to be
Is anyone better than me?
Come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?


Trump Land

If at first you don't suceed, blame someone else and move on

that's what my Daddy told me when he bought and sold Saigon

So, my immigration ban was not so popular. Astonishing.

well, the next one will get through, without admonishing

I'll start with Germany, Britain, the Isle of Man and France

Germany is obvious, with Hitler still around, I cannot take a chance

Britain, well Theresa 'turned me down' you know; true honey

then there's that Speaker clown Bilko, I used to find him funny

the French have a language I don't understand, which I hate

AND they made us pay $15 million for Louisiana! straight!

in fact while we are in Yorup, the not-so-wonderful "EU"

anyone who runs a song contest like that must be full of poo

the Japanese, well what can I say? I was reminded by my barber

we still cannot forgive them - what they did to Pearl Harbour

Africa is incontinent - you heard that right my friends

enough to give anyone - especially us - the bends

Of course I support Israel building wherever they like

We don't want them coming here do we? - go and take a hike

the Muslim population over in the Middle East

they are not coming here to share in our own feast!

Oh, so I forgot to mention that little Isle of Man to you

well, a place that has no beautiful women - barred; true

the Chinese sell us $347 billion more stuff than we sell them each year

until we cut that figure will I let them come and live here?

the Aussies and their kangaroos that play that silly cricket

they and their neighbours are forever on a sticky wicket

and do not forget my friends the great wall with Mexico

it's not just for them; all the southern countries can go-

and that my friends just leaves the home of fried mars bars

the home of my dear mother, who can't make their own cars

when Nichola - who loves me by the way - leaves Britain

the Scots will be welcome - except for those in prison

so there it is - my new executive order - first class

remember - always - think big and kick ass



Reporter: "We are now going over to the live telephone debate between Nichola Sturgeon and Theresa May regarding the possibility of another independent referendum".

I will, so I will, [said Nichola in a huff]

Go on then, [said Theresa, calling her bluff]

This time will be a resounding AYE!

You're as popular as a stale pork pie!

It's all your fault, for the Brickshit

It's what's best for all, you wee dimwit

I've got the Donald on my side

No, he says I'm his new joy and pride

Oh, but we've got Alex, so we have too

That's your problem, silly moo

I warned you it would come to this

Here's my @*&$, give it a kiss

You've just one final, last wee chance

I shall not give a second glance

Tomorrow I shall name the date

Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait, CANNOT WAIT!

You'll be sorry when we've gone

Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait, COME ON!

Reporter: "well that seems to be the end of this debate for now".


Do you think we gave them enough to be getting on with Hon?

Yes, I can see the headlines now, ha ha

Yes, they'll be besides themselves, ha ha, love you Hon

You too wee one, bye



Miss Reid got the sack for mis-reading the news.



Liecester City ack boss Ranieri??

Liecester City sack boss Ranieri?

Liecester City hack boss Ranieri to death?

Liecester City lack boss, Ranieri resigns?

Liecester City pack boss Ranieri's belongings as he moves house?

Liecester City whack boss Ranieri in play fight?

Liecester City crack up at boss Ranieri's joke

Liecester City frack boss Ranieri's back garden?

Liecester City acknowledge boss Ranieri is great?

Liecester City acknowledge boss Ranieri's time is up?

Liecester City rack boss Ranieri's brain for ideas?

Liecester City tack boss Ranieri's horse?

Liecester City black boss Ranieri's training?

Liecester City tackle boss Ranieri in 5-a-side game?

Liecester City crack boss Ranieri's puzzle

Liecester City ack-ack boss Ranieri's plane?

Liecester City BACK boss Ranieri!!!


Overheard in Washington

Reporter: What do you say to Speaker Bercow's insistence that he will not allow

you to speak in the Houses of Parliament when you visit London?

DT: Look, the Queen will see to it that I get to speak to her Lords and Dames. She

loves me. She said I was beautiful and great.

Reporter: She told you that?

DT: Not exactly, she called me the other day, just as I was taking a putt at the 14th,

so I handed the phone to my Secretary who was caddying. She told my secretary "Donald is

beautiful". Unlike her craggy old husband. Period.

Reporter: So what exactly will you say to them?

DT: WEll, I'll remind them that I am a very rich and successful businessman and that all

women love me and if they treat me with respect I can help them. Not to become beautiful

like me but to be successful. Not AS successful as me, but more successful than they have

achieved so far. Simple. And I'll teach them how to attract beautiful women. Not as beautiful

as the women that are attracted to ME, but better than those that are attacted to them presently.

Reporter: What about trade between our two countries?

DT: WEll, I'll tell them that when they do the Brickshit thing we can talk. I can guarantee

that the Scottish - who I love by the way, and they love me - can still send their whisky - which

I love too and it loves me - to America. But, you know there is a difference of about one and one

half billion dollars each month in goods between us, so we need to reduce how much we are paying them...

Reporter: Finally, for now, what will you say to them about NATO and President Putin?

DT: That I'm all for the NATO thing and I'm gonna suggest we expand it to include all the North

Atlantic countries, and maybe even Russia, becuase I love Putin and he loves me. He told me. He said

"Donald, how do manage to get such beautiful women to love you?" I said, "Vlad, you need to work on

that body, and I'll give you a few more tips". But they are personal. Between him and me. Trust me, I'l

l be good for him. I have to go now, I promised Melania I'd let her wax my legs...



When it was first suggested that the harrier should

be discontinued, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown

agreed, thinking it was the bird.


Nichola has been training

whilst it's bleedin' raining

she thinks it's entertaining

for loyal Scots remaining

so in the staff canteen

they made it quite a scene

to change how it has been

last verse "God Save The Queen"

for them who do not knows

or working class 'dunnos'

not been to Royal shows

this is how it goes:

Lord grant that Marshal Wade

May by thy mighty aid Victory bring

May he sedition hush

And like a torrent rush,

Rebellious Scots to crush

God save the Queen


you may have read about lots of news that is fake

but, not to worry, it doesn't keep me awake

we all know you can't believe all that you read

P.S. did you know Prince Charles is really a Swede?

you just cannot trust what the media say

by the way, the Queen hates Theresa May

in the newspapers there is so much that's trash

I hear that for Nigel to meet Trump he paid 10,000 dollars (cash)

the BBC are as bad - on a slow news day they just make up tales

according to his wife (she told me), Boris paints his toenails

you even hear fake stuff on the local radio news

but believe me - after Brickshit, Prince William will live in Toulouse

anyway, don't think that fake news will have the upper hand

as far as I'm concerned, on this site it's banned...



James Murdoch making a cup of tea for his Father:

"Do you want sugar daddy?"



May had a little problem

May had a little problem

called Brexit so and so

and everywhere that May went

the problem was sure to go


It followed her to Brussels one day

which was against the Article 50 rule

it made the other countries laugh and say:

you are a silly fool”


And so the President turned it out

but it still lingered on

so they waited patiently

'til May had left and gone


Eventually there was much talk

about the Brexit deal

Britain wanted cheese and chalk

but they just said “get real”


May went back and said “OK”

we're off despite forbiddance”

hoping they would say “please stay”

but they just said “good riddance!”



So are the electrolyte.


Runner Bean's Jimmy Connors 2017

I waited for the honours list

but missed out once again

it seems unfair I was not told

having waited in the rain


Many names I do not know

deserving cases cannot lose

but turning up for work each day

and cleaning politicians’ shoes?


"Services  to global tax policy

and tax payers” was one

sounds suspiciously like a job description

and must be rather fun


tackling tax non-compliance

and tax avoidance” another

surely was a job inherited

on retirement of her mother


But most deserving(?) of them all

services to immigration policy

(and border security)...”

Just how successful was he?


I’m not a friend of Theresa,

The Queen or Elton John

and that appears to be my loss

my chances all but gone


Perhaps next time I’ll try again

and throw some sumptuous parties

but money won’t be changing hands

I only give out smarties.



Mussels, like us, have muscles.

No wonder they are confused.


What will you do with your extra second

on New Year's Eve when it's nearly midnight?

give someone near you an extra peck

shout out loud "what the feck!"

pick a bogey from your nose

shout to your partner "I propose!"

give the birthday boy an extra bump

shout out loud "eff off Trump!"

pour yourself even more wine

shout to a stranger "please be mine!"

have an extra drag of your fag

ask your neighbour "fancy a ....?!"

put another chocolate in your mouth

shout out loud "it's great down South!"

have another slurp of beer

ask the milkman "are you queer?!"

kiss the visitor from Fife

ask her nicely "don't tell the wife"

have a sneaky look at nearest exit

shout out loud "I voted Brexit!"

scratch your head behind an ear

shout out loud "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"



Sheriffs in the US don't carry a magnum these days

because - due to global warming - it would melt.


A song for Christmas  (they can't all be jolly)

thought you'd stay


i thought you'd stay

you went away

now here i lay

what can i say

i miss your way again today

i have no clue

what will i do

i dread that you

are going to

find someone new and make me blue

since we first met

we never let

our passion get

away, and yet

do not forget our lips were wet

this time of year the day draws near since you're not here

and all my fear becoming clear you won't appear

i really pine

your eyes that shine

bodies entwine

i want you mine

and down the line things will be fine

our love was bright

throughout the night

no need for light

since you took flight

you're out of sight that can't be right

i can't let go

i hope you know

i've told you so

despair, although

it waits, pillow for tomorrow

this time of year the day draws near since you're not here

and all my fear becoming clear you won't appear

my heart it screams

where are my dreams

the rain it teems

or so it seems

no smiling beams my eyes cry streams

this time of year the day draws near since you're not here

and all my fear becoming clear you won't appear

the spirits came

and called your name

i feel no shame

i cry the same

for who's to blame this dying game


Soon be christmas, yes it will

bet you can't wait to get the bill

not bothered myself, living alone

will stay in my own comfort zone

I am waiting, licking my chops

for easter eggs to get in the shops

before that though - another line

all that goes with valentine

syrupy cards, chocolate and wine

enough to make a shivery spine

but that's what shops, they do the best

persuade a dog to wear a vest

don't think bargains there for you

if they were, there'd be a queue



How does one wrap a parcel of land?


I've been asked to come up with some new advertising slogans:

(smaller) Mars bars - a mars a day helps you work, rest OR play

(smaller) Kit kats - have a mini-break, have a kit-kat

Nike - Just buy it!

Milk Tray - and all because the lady's not worth decent chocolate

John Lewis - never knowingly understaffed

Tesco - every little helps Lidl get better

Subway - eat it now because it may not be that fresh

KFC - sometimes, licking your finger is not good

Heinz Beans - Beanz meanz Heinz carnt spel

Frosties - they're gr-r-ross

Ronseal - it does exactly what the missus wants

Microsoft - where did you want to go today but couldn't?

Schweppes - Schhh... we sold out to you-know-who


Nigel Farage says that he wants to be the "bridge between the UK and

(new) US Governments when Donald Trump becomes President. So, it got me thinking:

'Bridge over troubled water'?

Meanwhile, Alex Salmond has been banging on (again) about the Scots

having another referendum, which he is confident they would win:

'(E) You to me are Everything'

Theresa May on George Osbourne's continual (unwanted) asides:

'We don't talk anymore'

The EU Leaders that politely ignored Theresa May in Brussels this week:

'Don't stand so close to me'

BA cabin staff, Post Office staff, baggage handlers are among those joining Southern Trains

staff in striking this week:

'Bringing on back the Good Times'



A man went into the hairdressers:

"My hair has receded, can I have it reseeded?"


I'm glad I'm not an expert; oh yes I am

although I thought I would be when I was in my pram

the weatherman tells us there's going to be a storm

but it often turns out to be quite still and warm

the economists tell us we're going down the drain

but everyone has SPEND-SPEND-SPEND on the brain

the scientists - the ones with blackboard and easel

told us to buy cars that run on diesel!

the housing experts tell us that the market is blue

the next thing you know - the opposite is true

the football 'pundits' tell us that Leicester will fatigue

but at the end of the season they win the bleedin' league

the environmentalists tells us that earth is doomed

the next thing you know an extinct flower has bloomed

the market researchers told us Remainers would prevail

but that's not what happened in Wensleydale

Finally - for now - what about the BBC and the Press

they could make you want to go to Dungeoness



The double-agent found himself in Moscow during the winter, but he wouldn't

venture out because even the pavements were treacherous.


The Rolling Stones' album at number 1?

showing the youngsters just how it's done

there is no denying they'll not fade away

when ready they'll go out with a bang - and how

you can then safely say it's all over now


Some woman complaing about wiki site

too many profiles of men is that right?

but what is expected when more men are famous

and more likely to be a complete ignoramus

how many mass murderers and serial killers

were women, or famous for being Priscilla?

how many women led their country to war

or scored a great goal to level the score?

and how many women started their big own business

or a whole country did manage to repress?

if you women want equal this, that and rights

you need to get down the pub more at nights

leave the old man at home with the young baby

arrive home at midnight, or one o'clock maybe

and when he complains about your neglect

start talking about football, to change the subject

and then when you get to the top of the tree

you'll get your own entry on wiki - for free!



I rang the Police: "My friend has just killed his Dad!"

Policeman: "How do you know?"

Me: "He's just returned from golf and said he 'got Pa'.".


This time of year, Time do announce

"Person of the Year", or thereabouts

this year it could have been me, even you

or the girl next door - she's done well too

but no, we've all been brought down with a bump

they've named the President-Elect, Donald Trump

it comes with a caveat: "for better or for worse"

I can't comment further, in a civilised verse

it remains to be seen, in the year still to come

if he acts like Tweedledee or his mate Tweedledum


Meanwhile, back in the Parliament House

they have been arguing, everyman and his spouse

but finally agree on the Brexit timetable

to start when Theresa is ready and able

never mind the Supreme Court is still undecided

some would go further and say they're misguided

but the Scots, Irish, Welsh, Liberal berks

have their own spanner to throw in the works

so at end of another day chewing the cud

this Brexit thing is still clear as mud


And before you go spend that last new blue fiver

on a burger, a pint or another screwdriver

check that the number is not - - -

if it is, it's worth quite a lot of nice cash

twenty grand or more is the sum that they quote

which is quite a lot for a new five pound note

of course if a vegetarian or vegan person, say

found one, they'd most likely give it away!



I drove to the bank today to meet my wife who had gone

to collect some gold, and when I opened my car door in got my wife.


So, Iceland the country (that's very cold)

doesn't like Iceland the shop (they're not as old)

whatever happens next could have repercusions

which could lead to some strange discussions

Brazil could stop us eating nuts (that's nuts)

China could stop us using crockery - no ifs or buts

Jersey could stop us wearing woolies

(particularly bad if Cardigan joined, the bullies)

Japan would stop us blackening our screws

The Virgin Isles - now that's bad news

Panama - no more hats, cigars

Greece - no more lubricating parts of our cars

even the UK could stop us being united (oh, too late)

but no more Jordan - hey that's great!


But what if BIG companies retaliated?

some that are even - surprisingly - hated

Apple could stop us eating fruit from certain trees

Orange would bring the citrus fruit market to its knees

Total (oil) would not allow us to add up

EADS (airbus) would stop us tossing a coin - yup!

Nestle would stop us cuddling into the bosom of a loved one

Alphabet (Google) would ban the ABC - that's no fun

Home Depot would not allow us, well, home - nowhere to stay!

but Johnson and Johnson would ban ... Boris - hooray!



Do you really need any  more confusion today?



Because the OPEC blokes decided

to cut production, maybe misguided

so oil is set to rise in cost

just when you need it to offset frost

or drive your car instead of walking

why not cycle? now you're talking

or take the bus, the tube or train

let the driver take the strain

of course you need to pick a day

when they're not striking for more pay

or in the case of southern trains, cor!

they're arguing who shuts the door!

and ticket office closures underground

mean tube strikes for another round

I've been through it in my time

now I just sit here and rhyme

eating lots of bread and honey

trying to be just a trifle funny

I know, some can do it without trying

like Nigel, now he gets me crying



Is a squaddie pressing his uniform a soldering iron?


In case you hadn't noticed, sat in the pubs and bars

the "Trace Gas Orbiter" has arrived quite close to Mars

it's taken lots of pictures, to the scientists' delight

good job it was in daytime and not during the night

it seems they want to send another landing craft

the first one they sent crashed, the driver was quite daft

it's costing lots of money which could best be spent elsewhere

but when the martians invade us - if they bleedin' dare

we'll know just what they look like

just don't give them your name Pike!



The kitchen was getting steamy so I set off to buy an extractor fan.

The man in the shop directed me to a retired farmer up the road.


So Hamilton won the race, but lost the title

the race when he had a puncture was vital

instead of calling his crew on the intercom

he contacted "we-fix-any-puncture.com"

they took a week to fix the bleedin' thing

whilst Lewis sat waiting on the wing

never mind eh, there's always next year

provided Lewis gets his act in gear (!)


So Mourinho sent to stands again

he is fast becoming referees' pain

but kicking water bottle not good example

if his players try a similar sample

they may forget to kick the ball

which in turn could be their downfall

if they slip further down the table

manager's job given to my Aunt Mabel

she's no expert, won't work full-time

but i somehow had to make it rhyme


Meanwhile over in Wisconsin, USA

they're recounting votes, but hey

you didn't expect a simple path

from Trump Tower to White House bath?

I hear from my American lads

they may well find some "hanging chads"

but I have a plan for any trouble there

quite simply, we sould send - Tony Blair



The check-in girl asked if I was going to Thailand.

I answered "yeah, siam".


Hillary is saved from jail

Donald has turned tail

part of the new wall will be fence

that will save a few pence

'Obamacare' will not be busted

the whole thing might just be adjusted

not all muslims will be barred

but their entry will be hard

all illegal immigrants to be sent away?

now only those who criminally stray

is Mr T now going soft?

no, he'll hold his head aloft

he's learning now, despite his gob

it's always easier to do someone else's job



pigeons do not speak pidgin.


Murray took on Djokovic to stay as No 1

it's not about the money - it's just a lot of fun

so this year he's won himself about thirteen mil

looking at the figure just makes me feel quite ill

but before you get too hot there underneath your collars

i should add that the figure is only, just in US dollars

his elder brother Jamie - now he is also handy

world number one in doubles, the same as young Andy

he doesn't earn as much as Andy - that's a bleedin' shame

but not to worry 'cos he says it's just his favourite game

meanwhile, who gets more than Andy?, only poor old Rooney

but to compare their performances would be rather looney

anyway, i'm sure you know, although i've said my bit

anyone could earn that much: just write a Christmas hit



A friend of mine became a Nun; she didn't like

the dress, but soon got in the habit


Important news today from the BBC

about the price of supporting football, you see

tickets, tea and replica shirts

and the cost in your pocket, where it hurts

you have to go 'far' for cheap pie and tea

but only because it's "Forfar" you see

a couple of quid is all it would cost

not much to stomach - even if they've lost

but at the London Stadium - home of West Ham

just a pie costs four pounds, without any jam

if you want to wear someone's replica shirt

fifty pounds is the top wack, if you're a convert

but if you support a european team; you did?

then a shirt will cost you nearly eighty quid

ninety seven pounds to watch the Gunners

for that you'd want to see lots of runners

but if you go and see lowly Crawley Town

you can watch that lot for half a crown



A friend had to pay for his vasectomy,

but at £12.50 it was a snip


What's this I hear?

Nigel to be a life Peer?

Of course it's only rumour

or maybe it's a bloomer

he's no worse than some others

nominated by their mothers

and he has worked very hard

and all without a bodyguard

he does appear to be disjointed

but he may be disappointed

hoping to assist new president

but can't become a US resident

still, if he gets to be a peer

westminster needs a lot more beer



I had a german sausage at the week-end;

it was the wurst i had ever eaten


Overheard at the US Immigration Control Help Desk:

Operator: Howdee, how can I help you today?

Nigel Farage: Hello, yes, I'm calling about my fast-track residency application

Op: (laughs) Siiir, you would need to know the President in person to get a fast track residency these days

Nigel: WEll, I do, at least Mr Trump: President Elect...

Op (laughs again) Siiir, Donald Trump has as much chance of winning the vote next week as Chicago Cubs winning a World Series. That's Baseball.

Nigel: Where have you been you cretin? Mr Trump DID win the election that was LAST week. And I have been selected personally by Mr Trump to be part of his Team. And by the way, Chicago Cubs did win the World Series. Where have you been you Cretin? Mars?

Op: What? he won!! OMG!! I've been on vacation actually, a little place called England; that's in Oorope. Apparently, they won a world series once. I don't know how because it's difficult to get around the place the roads are soooo tiny. And they've got this thing called Brickshit going on which means they are going to fight NATO. And apparently, the guy that instigated the whole thing was sucking up to Donald Trump in the -

Nigel: Never mind that you Cretin, what about my application?

Op: OK, Sir, what's your full name? And your current Nationality?

Nigel: I'm English and my name is Nigel Pau-

Op: Nigel?? I LOVE your cookin' programmes! You don't sound like you do on the TV though, I -

Nigel: Nigel, not Nigella, you Cretin, Nigel Paul Farage

Op: How do you spell that Frage bit...?

Nigel: FARAGE! F A R A G E. Farage!

Op: Sounds French if you don't mind me saying so Sir

Nigel: It is French, but one of my great Grandparents was actually German and I -

Op: So what is it Sir, are you English, French, German or European?

Nigel: I am a British Citizen

Op: Now you are complicating matters Sir. What's it to be?

NIgel (sighing) For the purposes of my application, I am BRITISH!

Op: Right... OK, I've found you here

Nigel: At last!

Op: There's a note - attached last week - saying that you are a leader of the banned movement Oohkip and -

Nigel: YOU kip. YOU kip, and it's not a 'banned movement' it's a proper political party in the YOU Kay!

Op: OohKay, where the hell is that now?

Nigel: The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland to give it its correct title. It consists of England, Scotland, Wales, North-

Op: What? You are Scottish now? Gee, Sir you are one complicated fella. Hold on, there's another note attached; yesterday.

Nigel: Whatsitsay?

Op: It says, and I am -

Nigel: Hello? ... Hello? ... Hello? .... bugger

to be continued...



I told the builder that I wanted underfloor heating,

so he laid the radiators under the carpet.



President-Elect Trump holds a press conference to allay fears that he may not uphold some of his pre-election "promises".


I am going to build a wall - a wall of flowers, shrubs and trees - along the border with Mexico. The North American Native Plant Society is going to be in charge, and they will choose which plants to use. And Mexico is going to play for it. We are going to play them at various sports and the losers pay for the wall. Simple. Of course, we will win every game. Simple. And the wall is going to be beautiful.


I said I would get rid of Obamacare and I will. I am going to keep the legislation, but call it Trumpcare(s). Of course I do.


I am going to take care of women. As long as they are young and beautiful, and they come to me, then I will take care of them. Melania doesn't mind. Honest, she doesn't.


I am going to ban the importation of muslin to the United States. You know, most of it comes from China, and I am going to make sure that our people get back to producing the stuff in our own factories.


Hillary Clinton IS going to prison! I am going to put Secretary Clinton in charge of the Prison reforms. She is going to sort out the mess that they are in. And she will do a wonderful job.


I am going to "strengthen the military". By the time I take office, all military personnel willl be taking daily weight training in order to increase their strength. Those that fail will be put behind a desk for six months and then discharged. Period.


I am not going to jump into bed with Putin! He's not gay and neither am I! Ask Melania!


I am going to send back - yes, send back - all the Syrian refugees aged 100 plus. They will be on the next plane out of here.


I am going to stop spending money on space. We spend trillions of dollars on it every year. We need to fix our own Country first. So if you have got a spare space in your house, watch out, I'm coming for you.


I am going to bring back 'waterboarding'. My own family love it. Without it The Beach Boys would never be famous!


I am not going to take a vacation whilst I am in the white house. But I have a golfing week-end booked, so I have to leave it there for now. I'll come back next week and tell you more. But in the meantime I will say this to anyone who thinks I will not honor my promises... I am now a fully-fledged "Politician" in the true sense of the word. I will just say this, and you can quote me on this: "They were only promises".



Asked what he thought of Katmandu, Mr Trump said:

"anything that man can do, I can do better.  Trust me".


Overheard at the Foreign Office:

Donald Trump: Hello?

Boris: Hello Donald you old Haggis, it's Boris

DT: Remind me...

BJ: (coughs) ...Boris Johnson, Foreign Secretary of the United Kingdom. I am calling to congratulate you on your splendid victory and to say that I am looking forward to working with your administration

DT: Oh yes, Mr Johnson. How's your handicap?

BJ: ER, ... I don't have a handicap, it's just the way I talk

DT: Oh? Is that the same Mr Johnson who would not invite me to London in case I met some of your countrymen?

BJ: WEll (laughs nervously) ... well, of course that was in the heat of the mo. You will, of course be very welcome and I am sure my Prime Minister will be hoping you pay us a visit very soon.

DT: Fancy me then does she? Most women do you know. Well, from what I've seen, I'd be better off with that young princess gal, whatsername?

BJ: Oh... well, I, er am not sure which one you mean -

DT: I didn't mean to win you know. Who the hell expected that?!

BJ: I know the feeling

DT: Your Brickshit thing?

BJ: Yes, er Brexit. I didn't expect to win either. I -

DT: But you came out of it OK. What can I do? Two months and I'm the President of the most beautiful, powerful country on the planet!

BJ: WEll, you could disappear for a while

DT: Yeah! Great idea. But how? I must be the most recognised person on that same planet right now!

BJ: WEll, if you shave your head, grow a beard and lose a bit of weight, no-one would recognise you. You could hide out in my pad near Henley. Who the hell would expect that! You could change your name.

DT: To what?

BJ: I dunno... how about Bob McFartface?

DT: Sounds good. Any golf in the neighbourhood?

BJ: Yes, there's a pitch and putt just round the corner and -

DT: Great! What about Musslims?...

BJ: Ah, well...

Operator: Mr Johnson, shall I put you through to Mr Trump now?

BJ: Oh! Yes! Right. OMBG! Yes! Er... I was just practising... I -

Operator: Of course Sir. Wait a moment...

BJ: (to himself)... OMG - er "Hello Mr Trump. Congrat -

Operator: I'm sorry Sir, he will not speak to you. His Secretary asked me to say that he thinks you are a Dickhead and you should go service the Prime Minister.

BJ: Oh, right. Yes... tell her... er thanks very much.


Dobbin Good

Donald Trump Donald Trump always going swimmin'

Donald Trump Donald Trump with his men and wimmin'

Feared by the good, loved by the bad

Donald Trump Donald Trump Donald Trump


He called Republicans in the House

even though they didn't like his spouse

They voted to help him win his fair share

even though they didn't like his hair


He came to washington with a feather instead of hair

and blasphemed all; he didn't care

His tongue was always ready, and he kept his remarks tall

especially when it came to building his new wall


Donald Trump Donald Trump always going swimming

Donald Trump Donald Trump with his men and wimmin

Feared by the good, loved by the bad

Donald Trump Donald Trump Donald Trump


With Nigel Farage and Ms Conway they had a roguish look,

He captured all the money that the taxman never took

they did the deed the others wouldn't dare

and still they joked about his hair


And on the day, when all said and done

he was quite shocked; it was just fun

but now that he'll be president

he'll must expel many a resident


Donald Trump Donald Trump always going swimming

Donald Trump Donald Trump with his men and wimmin

Feared by the good, loved by the bad

Donald Trump Donald Trump Donald Trump



I went to Bikini in the Marshall Islands

and they charged me a toll


There is less than a week still to go

who isn't sick of the whole goddam show?

But don't you worry; have no fear

you won't read anything about it on here

there's nothing to say about the subject

it would surely show you some disrespect

it seems that both sides are vehemently hated

their own tribal following is not overstated

One side attacks, the others defend

there seems no limit to the money they spend

who will be the main player, no-one can say

it will need a strong arbiter to see fair play

who gets ahead first may still not prevail

another own goal could still see them fail

to the winner - Obama, the loser - Mugabe

ah, there's nothing quite like the North London Derby



I was surprised when the server asked

if I wanted anything on my cheese

sandwhich, and I got myself in a right pickle.


The Pensioner Song

(with apologies to Monty Python)


I'm a pensioner and I'm all right

I forget today but can't sleep at night

I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh

I often lead myself up the garden path


I potter about and I volunteer

but I don't smoke or drink any beer

I've not much hair I have to say

and what there is, it's mostly grey


I potter about and I volunteer

I don't drive a car 'cos it's much too dear

I like to go out riding on my bike

or bus to the fells and go for a hike


I'm a pensioner and I'm all right

I forget today but can't sleep at night

I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh

I often lead myself up the garden path


I potter about and I volunteer

I'm embarrassed by my laughing gear

I don't eat toffee or steaks of beef

'cos I have lost a lot of my teeth


I potter about and I volunteer

I can't remember what I did last year

I don't watch TV, well just a bit

much of it thinks I am a dimwit


I'm a pensioner and I'm all right

I forget today but can't sleep at night

I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh

I often lead myself up the garden path


I potter about and I volunteer

I can touch my toes but not my left ear

I don't have a wife to boss me about

the downside is I have to go without


I potter about and I volunteer

I met a nice lady down Buttermere

she took me to her house and made me glad

but by the next day I'd fogotten what I'd had


I'm a pensioner and I'm all right

I forget today but can't sleep at night

I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh

but now I going off for a bath



The recipe said I should knead the dough, so

I kneed it, but had to wash my trousers after.



The Heathrow Song

Welcoming the first plane to arrive on

the third runway c20whenever


She'll be coming down the runway when she comes

she'll be coming down the runway when she comes

she'll be coming down the runway

coming down the runway

she'll be coming down the runway when she comes


She'll be carrying lots of people when she comes

She'll be carrying lots of people when she comes

she'll be carrying lot of people

carrying lot of people

she'll be carrying lots of people when she comes


It will cost a lot of billions when she comes

It will cost a lot of billions when she comes

it will cost a lot of billions

cost a lot of billions

it will cost a lot of billions when she comes


Oh, we'll all go out to greet her when she comes

Oh, we'll all go out to greet her when she comes

Oh, we'll all go out to greet her

all go out to greet her

we will all go out to greet her when she comes


We will protest loud and clear when she comes

We will protest loud and clear when she comes

We will protest loud and clear

protest loud and clear

we will protest loud and clear when she comes


We will all fly off on holiday when she comes

We will all fly off on holiday when she comes

We will all fly off on holiday

all fly off on holiday

we will all fly off on holiday when she comes


We'll be hypocrites when she comes that's for sure

We'll be hypocrites when she comes that's for sure

We'll be hypocrites when she comes

hypocrites when she comes

we'll be hypocrites when she comes that's for sure



Ford cars have been around since about 1903. 

The Norwegian Fjords have been around since the last ice age.



PARTy Leader. MUST:

Have experience of using public transport and able to read timetables (or ask someone to explain).

Be willing to use own house for meetings (with Spouse to do the catering).

Be unknown in the UK (except to the other fifteen party members).

Have a hat to 'throw into the ring'.

Throw one's hat into aforementioned ring on time (i.e. BEFORE the deadline).

Be able to spurn advances of Nigel Farage (he used to be the Party Leader). No, the one before her.

Know what the job entails before you apply.

Name the last time England won the 1966 World Cup.

Not be called Neil Hamilton.

Not be called Christine Hamilton.



Apply to be leader of UKIP (see above).


The Tory Party conference is underway

but try not to let that spoil your day

during the week there will be laughs

good job they don't use a polygraph

MPs would surely go off the scale

as their behaviour goes beyond the pale

still, it gives the Labour 'opposition'

a chance to moan; no juxtaposition

as if anyone has all the answers

'bout letting in more foreign dancers

then next Monday back to the House

where they can openly moan and grouse



People are fussy: they make a pig's ear of things, they eat pigmeat,

they wear pigskin leather, buy a 'pig in a poke', they have pigtails

in their hair, make a pig of themself, use pigment to make paint,

some even live in a 'pigsty'; but serve them pigswill...


Overheard at the Arsenal training ground as a

reporter is introduced to some of the players:

"This is Callum Chambers, we call him Cal for short;

Petr Czech, Pet for short; Mohamed Elneny, Mo for short;

Olivier Giroud, Oli for short; the Manager Arsene Wenger..."



The front wheel on my bike was working fine,

until someone put a spoke in it.


Due to the wonders of (not-so-modern) technology Cliff Richard is to make a record with Elvis. They never met but this is how a phone call conversation may have gone:

Cliff: One night-I could easily (fall in love)-with you-my boy

Elvis: Don't-you're the devil in disguise-too much

Cliff: Do you wanna dance-on the beach-(cos i'm) stuck on you-it's only love

Elvis: I'm looking out the window-in the ghetto-I'm all shook up

Cliff: Please don't tease-I love you- it's now or never-(you are) always on my mind

Elvis: Are you lonesome tonight?-the day I met Marie-she's not you-(she's my) living doll

Cliff: Lucky lips-she's the girl of my best friend-devil woman-let me be your teddy bear

Elvis: Move it-way down-bachelor boy

Cliff: surrender-miss you nights...

Elvis: I just can't help believing-You ain't nothin' but a hound dog

Cliff: ...constantly

Elvis: Alright, OK, you win-it'll be me!



A Bishop can only move diagonally?


"...build a fairer Britain in a peaceful world"

that's what Mr Corbyn said

if he read the papers or watched the news

he'd see that the 'world' is in a state of dread

I'm not one to shout about doom and gloom

but it's not just the markets going bust and boom

there are 'wars' here and there, many years long

bombers and gunmen, knife-wielders too

attacking the people who have done no wrong

but there are two major problems he didn't address

he can read about it most days in our own press

what will he do 'bout the new England boss

it's not just Sam's salary that's at a loss

and what about Rooney - should he should not?

so come on Mr Corbyn, please stop the football rot



Vagabondage: yes, they do it on the streets too apparently.


Big Sam's stopped blowin' bubbles

he got himself in troubles

he flew so high, nearly touched the sky

then his dreams did fade and die

the next question's not why but when and who

it could be 'him' or me or you

but it would be quite looney

to select Wayne Rooney

perhaps in these days of 'equal rights'

it could be a woman from the Isle of Wight

but prob'ly best not to go down that route

but to get a young bloke dressed in a suit

then just when you think that he's doing ok

he'll be off out, home, on his way

even if he wins his first away game

he'll miss his mum's knitting, oh what a shame



A dodgy looking bloke approached me in the street, looking

for "the local dealer".  I told him I never played cards.


2020 living wage to be £10 an hour

if Labour somehow come to power

the problem is, and here's the rub

there's more chance seeing me down the pub

but much can happen in four years

there will be much more strife and tears

some things of course can be foreseen

England failing at world cup 2016

the guv'nor at the b of E

changing his mind from plan A to B

and most importantly of all

there'll be a new book of Mr Small

no-one will watch premiership football

and Mourinho manager of South Cornwall



A magazine can be quite entertaining,

unless it contains bullets






A mate used to work down the pit; now he's an examiner


There was a ex PM called Blair

who became a multi-millionnaire

he made lots of money

without being funny

that's why he drives us to despair



My teacher once said I was a dolt.

"But I'm only 12" I said.


It's Labour that and Labour this

they really are taking the ****

they can't decide on anyfinck

except they're going down the sink

opposition party? that's a joke

they are letting down the working folk

he'll reunite them Corbyn did quote

if he wins forthcoming vote

I thought that's what he did last year

instead he's made bleedin' pig's ear



Ma might give me something yummy in my sandwich


drivers on the road using the dog and bone

is something i cannot ever condone

it's dangerous at the very least

to text and drive a powerful beast

i hope the police will stamp it out

perhaps sit in bushes at each roundabout

people who do this must be deranged

i hope ... - hold on a sec the lights have changed



Stag dos are OK, but I have never

been a very good shot


so UKIP choose another leader

she must be a (un)lucky bleeder

now I'm not one to play odd games

but who the **** is Diane James?

anyway, with not a little baiting

"We're the opposition party-in-waiting"

shame they've only one MP

what's that you say, "who the **** is he?"



Grub is nice to eat

unless it's a beetle grub


i don't give a fig for bake-off

i prefer to make my own cakes to scoff

i don't care much for Mary Berry

i'd rather watch my mum skin a cherry

i'm not that keen on the others in the show

i'd rather read a book by Defoe

but for all that said, when it goes to channel four

i shall miss it more and more and more

because it keeps the country happy

that makes me a contented chappie



It takes a woman about nine months to go into labour,

but I can sign up in a couple of minutes online.


Mr Cameron is resigning

to do some kitchen designing

he doesn't want to be a "distraction"

which shows his dissatisfaction

of course he wanted to 'remain'

and to leave is such a pain

but there'll be sev'ral leaving parties

with some cake covered in smarties

then he'll go on holiday

to Bognor, maybe Colonsay

and get on with his new life

as husband, Dad with pretty wife



Basil is as daft as a brush

but useful in cooking


the palace of westminster is falling down falling down

mister speaker

build it up with posh new bars posh new bars

mister speaker

the posh new bars will soon run dry soon run dry

mister speaker

then build it up with lots more dosh lots more dosh

mister speaker

the public can't even afford their nosh afford their nosh

mister speaker

let them eat just humble pie humble pie

mister speaker

what about the ministers the ministers

mister speaker

we'll be ok in the new posh bars new posh bars

mister speaker



the more speed you take

the less haste you make


it's nearly twenty years since the 'white van man'

became the butt of jokes, like the caravan

considered inconsiderate and working class

it's even funnier now that it came to pass

that white is the favourite colour for a car

whether you eat burgers or caviar

but fashions, they come and then they go

you'd think clever people would know better, so

a man must be very dumb or just a jerk

to pay thirty grand for new white merc



It's great being an adult

but I don't like being called a dolt


where have all the village bobbies gone

long time passing

gone to squad cars everyone

where have all the squad cars gone

long time passing

been in accidents everyone

where have all the accident cars gone

long time passing

gone to scrap yards everyone

where have all the scrap yard cars gone

long time passing

become 'second-hand bargains' everyone

where have all the 'second-hand bargains' gone

long time passing

gone to young tearaways everyone

where have all the young tearaways gone

long time passing

become village bobbies everyone

when will they ever learn

(with apologies to Pete Seeger)



A salt and pepper pot is useful

Assault and battery is quite violent


Teresa May says Brexit will not be "plain sailing"

that's plain speaking, not wailing

she said that there will be "difficult times"

which is good for me, composing rhymes

there are still plenty of ifs, hows, whats and when

but when it's done we'll know it's then

as soon as someone knows what to do

they will do whatever it is, on cue

then someone else will follow suit

and others will no doubt contribute

then someone will sign on the dotted line

and celebrate with sparkling wine

it'll all work out, just wait and see

and everyone will be carefree

and will the brexiteers get awards?

yes, they'll all be in the House of Lords



Having Acrobat on your computer is useful

unless they are walking on a tightrope

in front of your screen


Mr Corbyn promises, if he is PM

(he's got more chance in Bethlehem)

to spend a lot of money, at least

thirty million in the poor south east

what's the point of promise

he'll never be in office

to be fair, the silly bleeder

may not even be Labour leader

it's like Leicester City, I fear

saying "we'll win the league this year"!!



The Yeti is a 'fearsome creature',

yet he has never been seen.


So Nicola has started a "new conversation"

which sounds very much like the last exhortation

rather than comment all evening long

i thought I'd just show some suitable songs:

'It's the same old song'

'We've only just begun'

'Here I go again'

'I saved the world today'

'Give me just a little more time'

'Dreams can tell a lie'

'A world of our own'

'Feel the need in me'

'The future's so bright I gotta wear shades'

and, finally, if it all goes pear-shaped:

'The bitterest pill (I ever had to swallow)'



It's good to go racing at Ascot

Nicola is a Scot


The Electoral Reform Society

that popular bastion of sobriety

has completed its Brexit report

with the following (obvious) retort:

'the campaign was dogged

by "glaring democratic deficiences"'

(trying rhyming that with fish and chips)

it appears that even 'Remainers', naive

persuaded more people to vote leave

politicians weren't just eating pork pies

but telling us lots of whopping lies

before you shout in condemnation

consider this ERC recommendation:

future referendums to have six month campaigns

seems it never spits it always rains...



sowing crops is easy

but not with a sewing needle

what do I think of that?  so-so


One billion pounds in transfer fees

that's a lot for dodgy knees

no doubt some cartilige trouble too

plus a dickie heart or two

all will be revealed i'm sure

when they've played a game or four

did you notice transfer joke?

£89 million for Pogba bloke

but chap moves on for half a crown

from Manchester to Catford Town

the main question that this all leaves

how much today for Jimmy Greaves?



Tarmac makes a good road surface.

It's also a polite way to thank a Jock


overheard in a Dublin bar:

MICK: Murph, are you still working at that greengrocers in the high street?

MURPH: Sure, that I am. Why?

MICK: Well, I heard on the radio that for every apple sold, the greengrocer has to pay one hundred and six euros more in tax. How can he make a profit on that?

MURPH: I don't know. Maybe that's why today he told me to try and sell more pears.

MICK: No! don't sell them in pairs it'll cost twice as much tax!



It's good to belong, unless people are waiting for you...


bhs has closed for good

no more in your neighbourhood

struggled recent years, oh yes

stuck 'tween Primark/M&S

the staff are full of apprehension

there's not enough to pay their pension

meanwhile he - Sir Philip Green

the biggest .... (*) you've ever seen

is doing very well thank you

never short of revenue

likes to splash his dosh about

well, more than me, a lout

he may well yet make recompense

a few bob, well no offence

but two good things about the man

charitable and tottenham fan

PS> *insert your own word here (mine begins with 'c')

PPS> if his lawyer is reading, my name is "chap"



My Mum preferred ajax over vim

I prefer ajax over PSV Eindhoven



So Russia rewards its medallists

(some would say elitists)

with money and a German car

but team GB don't go that far

no matter they could try no harder

they'll make do with brand-new Lada

the team GB, they are still chuffed

but doesn't seem to be enough

there's talk aplenty of awards

like Knighthoods, Dames and House of Lords,

It's all too much, where will it end?

just because we 'spend, spend, spend'

how 'bout "Queens Award for Sport"

like those for Nursing or Export

Enterprise and Volunteers

Business, Bravery sincere

surely that would be as good

and give them street cred in their 'hood



Eating a sponge is lovely, unless your partner

has just washed their private parts with it


Wanted for the Labour Conference

"Security" - must show much ignorance

you must bring your own hard hat

flak jacket, things like that

daisy roots (steel-capped boots)

somewhat 'hard', not 'cute'

doesn't matter if gear is 'used'

must be politic'ly confused

apply in writing if you can

(sssh, preferably a Corbyn fan)



Going to the fair is good fun

have an affair can be too, but dangerous


Tom Cruise fourth on list of earners

not as if he is a learner

this year he earned just £40 million

enough for dolly bird as pillion

but spare a thought - this much is looney

it's three times more than our poor Rooney



Trumping is good if you are playing whist

otherwise it is rude


Nigel went to Mississippi

now i'm not saying he is dippy

but he went to Trump rally

it seems they are quite pally

he offered them advice

they thinking of paradise

that Trump can beat Hillary

forgetting Nigel's pillory

and his own rejection

he never won election

still, ended with all smiles

and Nigel earned air miles



There's a woman I adore, except when she slams it in my face


Down at the station, early in the morning,
See the little puffer trains, all in a row.
Here comes the driver to start up the engine,
Puff! Puff! Peep! Peep! Off we go!

Oh dear there's no seat

I'll have to stay on my feet

but first a picture just for you

me sitting down outside the loo

never mind it costs a bomb

I must behave with aplomb

after all  I'm Labour leader

where's that Branson - greedy bleeder

Chuff chuff toot toot nearly there

I'll come back by taxi cab I swear



Murdering a ham sandwich is good

murdering a person is not


Food for thought                                                                                        

Team GB won 67 medals in Rio, courtesy of funding                                     

to the tune of £350 million 2013-17, that's about £87.5                                  

million a year. This is about the same as the club

wages paid to the members of the Euro 16 England

squad for the season 2015/16. And when it came to the

crunch, they were humiliated. Inspired? By who?



Watching Dave is funny

Having Dave as Prime Minister was not


All Night Tube                                                                                              

If you go down to the tube tonight                                                              

you're sure of a bleedin' shock                                                                     

you'd better not wear a frock

for every weirdo that ever there was

will gather there for certain because

night's the time the weirdos are their weirdest

See them really run amok

they love to scare and shock

they may be drunk or high

don't think you can ignore them

watch out for horrid flying phlegm

annoying every passer-by

They'll probably cuss and swear

approch them if you dare

they may look for a fight

by six am they will have fled

and all gone home to bed instead

until to-morrow night...

(with apologies to Jimmy Kennedy)



Heroines are good

Heroin is not


Don't worry if you think

that the weather is a bummer

I hear that next month

will be an Indian summer

No, it was not a forecast

that I saw on the tele

but heard on the wireless

thanks to Radio Delhi


Theresa May, Theresa May walking through the Alps

Theresa May, Theresa May having won some scalps

who's left in charge

not Nige Farage

Theresa May, Theresa May, Theresa May...


I read the news today oh boy

about a journalist who made the 'plane

although the news was rather daft

well I just had to cringe

hence this whinge

He saw some athletes on his flight

they'd won gold medals just the other night

a crowd of passengers sat and clapped

they'd seen their faces before

nobody was really sure

if they would soon be in the House of Lords...

(Apologies to Lennon & McCartney)


Just where were you this last week-end

In the shops with money to spend?

Picnicking with fruit and cream

Or did you support your local team?

On the beach with new frisbee

perhaps you watched sport on TV

with so much choice it's hard to tell

who to watch and what to yell

Prima Donnas tumbling, diving on the floor

or do you not like football anymore?

too many medalists to mention here

but none by name of Vladimir


The Brits are doing jolly good

over in the Rio 'hood

some, of course, are millionaires

others fill in questionnaires

then they get some lottery money

which I think is very funny

for some - like Murray - it's their job

others have to earn a bob

you can't distinguish 'tween the two

all are brilliant at what they do

who's to say which skill is best?

a Murray lob or dive abreast

it's market forces that decree

who vacates in Necker, who Torquay


Laurel & Hardy, "Carry On" franchise

comedy has always put tears in our eyes

Morecombe and Wise, "Only Fools..."

amongst others, set new 'funny' rules

but now, for your pleasure

a comedic act to (not) treasure

for the dumb and the literati

I introduce... the LABOUR PARTY


Theresa, she wants Grammer Schools

but shorely they are just for fools

it done me no arm see, as a rule

to go to bleedin' Secondry School

can rite as good as any Police

as evidunced by this fine peace


GB womens rugby - great

through as group winners to last 8

forget the usual brawn v weed

these young girls are built for speed

not sure about Sir Clive's riposte

just how much did he bleedin' cost?


The biker men, they fell and lost

just how much did their gear cost?

the cobbles done it for the bikers

better off on foot like hikers

"like fish out of water" man from BBC said

should swap with swimmers; they good at tread


the season started at the cottage

down in London village

the toons were in town

but were left with a frown

so Fulham top the table

Newcastle just unable

to shoot and score

Raffa swore


EU Referendum (Afterthought)

The 'activists' were clear: half wanted to "Remain", half wanted to "Leave". The other half did not have a bleedin' clue. Three halves? No wonder there was complete and utter confusion...


the chinamen are hot under the collar

"sign the ******* agreement" they holler

but we don't want their nuclear charms

we'd rather have lots of nice wind farms

nuclear power is so passe

there are better, safer ways today

no, not lighting candles, chump

but setting fire to Donald Trump


dave's in trouble once again

he's giving honours to 'Team Remain'

but his biggest sin is plain to see

he didn't bleedin' include me!

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© Richard Finch