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He's away...



PARTy Leader. MUST:

Have experience of using public transport and able to read timetables (or ask someone to explain).

Be willing to use own house for meetings (with Spouse to do the catering).

Be unknown in the UK (except to the other fifteen party members).

Have a hat to 'throw into the ring'.

Throw one's hat into aforementioned ring on time (i.e. BEFORE the deadline).

Be able to spurn advances of Nigel Farage (he used to be the Party Leader). No, the one before her.

Know what the job entails before you apply.

Name the last time England won the 1966 World Cup.

Not be called Neil Hamilton.

Not be called Christine Hamilton.



Apply to be leader of UKIP (see above).


The Tory Party conference is underway

but try not to let that spoil your day

during the week there will be laughs

good job they don't use a polygraph

MPs would surely go off the scale

as their behaviour goes beyond the pale

still, it gives the Labour 'opposition'

a chance to moan; no juxtaposition

as if anyone has all the answers

'bout letting in more foreign dancers

then next Monday back to the House

where they can openly moan and grouse



People are fussy: they make a pig's ear of things, they eat pigmeat,

they wear pigskin leather, buy a 'pig in a poke', they have pigtails

in their hair, make a pig of themself, use pigment to make paint,

some even live in a 'pigsty'; but serve them pigswill...


Overheard at the Arsenal training ground as a

reporter is introduced to some of the players:

"This is Callum Chambers, we call him Cal for short;

Petr Czech, Pet for short; Mohamed Elneny, Mo for short;

Olivier Giroud, Oli for short; the Manager Arsene Wenger..."



The front wheel on my bike was working fine,

until someone put a spoke in it.


Due to the wonders of (not-so-modern) technology Cliff Richard is to make a record with Elvis. They never met but this is how a phone call conversation may have gone:

Cliff: One night-I could easily (fall in love)-with you-my boy

Elvis: Don't-you're the devil in disguise-too much

Cliff: Do you wanna dance-on the beach-(cos i'm) stuck on you-it's only love

Elvis: I'm looking out the window-in the ghetto-I'm all shook up

Cliff: Please don't tease-I love you- it's now or never-(you are) always on my mind

Elvis: Are you lonesome tonight?-the day I met Marie-she's not you-(she's my) living doll

Cliff: Lucky lips-she's the girl of my best friend-devil woman-let me be your teddy bear

Elvis: Move it-way down-bachelor boy

Cliff: surrender-miss you nights...

Elvis: I just can't help believing-You ain't nothin' but a hound dog

Cliff: ...constantly

Elvis: Alright, OK, you win-it'll be me!



A Bishop can only move diagonally?


"...build a fairer Britain in a peaceful world"

that's what Mr Corbyn said

if he read the papers or watched the news

he'd see that the 'world' is in a state of dread

I'm not one to shout about doom and gloom

but it's not just the markets going bust and boom

there are 'wars' here and there, many years long

bombers and gunmen, knife-wielders too

attacking the people who have done no wrong

but there are two major problems he didn't address

he can read about it most days in our own press

what will he do 'bout the new England boss

it's not just Sam's salary that's at a loss

and what about Rooney - should he should not?

so come on Mr Corbyn, please stop the football rot



Vagabondage: yes, they do it on the streets too apparently.


Big Sam's stopped blowin' bubbles

he got himself in troubles

he flew so high, nearly touched the sky

then his dreams did fade and die

the next question's not why but when and who

it could be 'him' or me or you

but it would be quite looney

to select Wayne Rooney

perhaps in these days of 'equal rights'

it could be a woman from the Isle of Wight

but prob'ly best not to go down that route

but to get a young bloke dressed in a suit

then just when you think that he's doing ok

he'll be off out, home, on his way

even if he wins his first away game

he'll miss his mum's knitting, oh what a shame



A dodgy looking bloke approached me in the street, looking

for "the local dealer".  I told him I never played cards.


2020 living wage to be £10 an hour

if Labour somehow come to power

the problem is, and here's the rub

there's more chance seeing me down the pub

but much can happen in four years

there will be much more strife and tears

some things of course can be foreseen

England failing at world cup 2016

the guv'nor at the b of E

changing his mind from plan A to B

and most importantly of all

there'll be a new book of Mr Small

no-one will watch premiership football

and Mourinho manager of South Cornwall



A magazine can be quite entertaining,

unless it contains bullets






A mate used to work down the pit; now he's an examiner


There was a ex PM called Blair

who became a multi-millionnaire

he made lots of money

without being funny

that's why he drives us to despair



My teacher once said I was a dolt.

"But I'm only 12" I said.


It's Labour that and Labour this

they really are taking the ****

they can't decide on anyfinck

except they're going down the sink

opposition party? that's a joke

they are letting down the working folk

he'll reunite them Corbyn did quote

if he wins forthcoming vote

I thought that's what he did last year

instead he's made bleedin' pig's ear



Ma might give me something yummy in my sandwich


drivers on the road using the dog and bone

is something i cannot ever condone

it's dangerous at the very least

to text and drive a powerful beast

i hope the police will stamp it out

perhaps sit in bushes at each roundabout

people who do this must be deranged

i hope ... - hold on a sec the lights have changed



Stag dos are OK, but I have never

been a very good shot


so UKIP choose another leader

she must be a (un)lucky bleeder

now I'm not one to play odd games

but who the **** is Diane James?

anyway, with not a little baiting

"We're the opposition party-in-waiting"

shame they've only one MP

what's that you say, "who the **** is he?"



Grub is nice to eat

unless it's a beetle grub


i don't give a fig for bake-off

i prefer to make my own cakes to scoff

i don't care much for Mary Berry

i'd rather watch my mum skin a cherry

i'm not that keen on the others in the show

i'd rather read a book by Defoe

but for all that said, when it goes to channel four

i shall miss it more and more and more

because it keeps the country happy

that makes me a contented chappie



It takes a woman about nine months to go into labour,

but I can sign up in a couple of minutes online.


Mr Cameron is resigning

to do some kitchen designing

he doesn't want to be a "distraction"

which shows his dissatisfaction

of course he wanted to 'remain'

and to leave is such a pain

but there'll be sev'ral leaving parties

with some cake covered in smarties

then he'll go on holiday

to Bognor, maybe Colonsay

and get on with his new life

as husband, Dad with pretty wife



Basil is as daft as a brush

but useful in cooking


the palace of westminster is falling down falling down

mister speaker

build it up with posh new bars posh new bars

mister speaker

the posh new bars will soon run dry soon run dry

mister speaker

then build it up with lots more dosh lots more dosh

mister speaker

the public can't even afford their nosh afford their nosh

mister speaker

let them eat just humble pie humble pie

mister speaker

what about the ministers the ministers

mister speaker

we'll be ok in the new posh bars new posh bars

mister speaker



the more speed you take

the less haste you make


it's nearly twenty years since the 'white van man'

became the butt of jokes, like the caravan

considered inconsiderate and working class

it's even funnier now that it came to pass

that white is the favourite colour for a car

whether you eat burgers or caviar

but fashions, they come and then they go

you'd think clever people would know better, so

a man must be very dumb or just a jerk

to pay thirty grand for new white merc



It's great being an adult

but I don't like being called a dolt


where have all the village bobbies gone

long time passing

gone to squad cars everyone

where have all the squad cars gone

long time passing

been in accidents everyone

where have all the accident cars gone

long time passing

gone to scrap yards everyone

where have all the scrap yard cars gone

long time passing

become 'second-hand bargains' everyone

where have all the 'second-hand bargains' gone

long time passing

gone to young tearaways everyone

where have all the young tearaways gone

long time passing

become village bobbies everyone

when will they ever learn

(with apologies to Pete Seeger)



A salt and pepper pot is useful

Assault and battery is quite violent


Teresa May says Brexit will not be "plain sailing"

that's plain speaking, not wailing

she said that there will be "difficult times"

which is good for me, composing rhymes

there are still plenty of ifs, hows, whats and when

but when it's done we'll know it's then

as soon as someone knows what to do

they will do whatever it is, on cue

then someone else will follow suit

and others will no doubt contribute

then someone will sign on the dotted line

and celebrate with sparkling wine

it'll all work out, just wait and see

and everyone will be carefree

and will the brexiteers get awards?

yes, they'll all be in the House of Lords



Having Acrobat on your computer is useful

unless they are walking on a tightrope

in front of your screen


Mr Corbyn promises, if he is PM

(he's got more chance in Bethlehem)

to spend a lot of money, at least

thirty million in the poor south east

what's the point of promise

he'll never be in office

to be fair, the silly bleeder

may not even be Labour leader

it's like Leicester City, I fear

saying "we'll win the league this year"!!



The Yeti is a 'fearsome creature',

yet he has never been seen.


So Nicola has started a "new conversation"

which sounds very much like the last exhortation

rather than comment all evening long

i thought I'd just show some suitable songs:

'It's the same old song'

'We've only just begun'

'Here I go again'

'I saved the world today'

'Give me just a little more time'

'Dreams can tell a lie'

'A world of our own'

'Feel the need in me'

'The future's so bright I gotta wear shades'

and, finally, if it all goes pear-shaped:

'The bitterest pill (I ever had to swallow)'



It's good to go racing at Ascot

Nicola is a Scot


The Electoral Reform Society

that popular bastion of sobriety

has completed its Brexit report

with the following (obvious) retort:

'the campaign was dogged

by "glaring democratic deficiences"'

(trying rhyming that with fish and chips)

it appears that even 'Remainers', naive

persuaded more people to vote leave

politicians weren't just eating pork pies

but telling us lots of whopping lies

before you shout in condemnation

consider this ERC recommendation:

future referendums to have six month campaigns

seems it never spits it always rains...



sowing crops is easy

but not with a sewing needle

what do I think of that?  so-so


One billion pounds in transfer fees

that's a lot for dodgy knees

no doubt some cartilige trouble too

plus a dickie heart or two

all will be revealed i'm sure

when they've played a game or four

did you notice transfer joke?

£89 million for Pogba bloke

but chap moves on for half a crown

from Manchester to Catford Town

the main question that this all leaves

how much today for Jimmy Greaves?



Tarmac makes a good road surface.

It's also a polite way to thank a Jock


overheard in a Dublin bar:

MICK: Murph, are you still working at that greengrocers in the high street?

MURPH: Sure, that I am. Why?

MICK: Well, I heard on the radio that for every apple sold, the greengrocer has to pay one hundred and six euros more in tax. How can he make a profit on that?

MURPH: I don't know. Maybe that's why today he told me to try and sell more pears.

MICK: No! don't sell them in pairs it'll cost twice as much tax!



It's good to belong, unless people are waiting for you...


bhs has closed for good

no more in your neighbourhood

struggled recent years, oh yes

stuck 'tween Primark/M&S

the staff are full of apprehension

there's not enough to pay their pension

meanwhile he - Sir Philip Green

the biggest .... (*) you've ever seen

is doing very well thank you

never short of revenue

likes to splash his dosh about

well, more than me, a lout

he may well yet make recompense

a few bob, well no offence

but two good things about the man

charitable and tottenham fan

PS> *insert your own word here (mine begins with 'c')

PPS> if his lawyer is reading, my name is "chap"



My Mum preferred ajax over vim

I prefer ajax over PSV Eindhoven



So Russia rewards its medallists

(some would say elitists)

with money and a German car

but team GB don't go that far

no matter they could try no harder

they'll make do with brand-new Lada

the team GB, they are still chuffed

but doesn't seem to be enough

there's talk aplenty of awards

like Knighthoods, Dames and House of Lords,

It's all too much, where will it end?

just because we 'spend, spend, spend'

how 'bout "Queens Award for Sport"

like those for Nursing or Export

Enterprise and Volunteers

Business, Bravery sincere

surely that would be as good

and give them street cred in their 'hood



Eating a sponge is lovely, unless your partner

has just washed their private parts with it


Wanted for the Labour Conference

"Security" - must show much ignorance

you must bring your own hard hat

flak jacket, things like that

daisy roots (steel-capped boots)

somewhat 'hard', not 'cute'

doesn't matter if gear is 'used'

must be politic'ly confused

apply in writing if you can

(sssh, preferably a Corbyn fan)



Going to the fair is good fun

have an affair can be too, but dangerous


Tom Cruise fourth on list of earners

not as if he is a learner

this year he earned just £40 million

enough for dolly bird as pillion

but spare a thought - this much is looney

it's three times more than our poor Rooney



Trumping is good if you are playing whist

otherwise it is rude


Nigel went to Mississippi

now i'm not saying he is dippy

but he went to Trump rally

it seems they are quite pally

he offered them advice

they thinking of paradise

that Trump can beat Hillary

forgetting Nigel's pillory

and his own rejection

he never won election

still, ended with all smiles

and Nigel earned air miles



There's a woman I adore, except when she slams it in my face


Down at the station, early in the morning,
See the little puffer trains, all in a row.
Here comes the driver to start up the engine,
Puff! Puff! Peep! Peep! Off we go!

Oh dear there's no seat

I'll have to stay on my feet

but first a picture just for you

me sitting down outside the loo

never mind it costs a bomb

I must behave with aplomb

after all  I'm Labour leader

where's that Branson - greedy bleeder

Chuff chuff toot toot nearly there

I'll come back by taxi cab I swear



Murdering a ham sandwich is good

murdering a person is not


Food for thought                                                                                        

Team GB won 67 medals in Rio, courtesy of funding                                     

to the tune of £350 million 2013-17, that's about £87.5                                  

million a year. This is about the same as the club

wages paid to the members of the Euro 16 England

squad for the season 2015/16. And when it came to the

crunch, they were humiliated. Inspired? By who?



Watching Dave is funny

Having Dave as Prime Minister was not


All Night Tube                                                                                              

If you go down to the tube tonight                                                              

you're sure of a bleedin' shock                                                                     

you'd better not wear a frock

for every weirdo that ever there was

will gather there for certain because

night's the time the weirdos are their weirdest

See them really run amok

they love to scare and shock

they may be drunk or high

don't think you can ignore them

watch out for horrid flying phlegm

annoying every passer-by

They'll probably cuss and swear

approch them if you dare

they may look for a fight

by six am they will have fled

and all gone home to bed instead

until to-morrow night...

(with apologies to Jimmy Kennedy)



Heroines are good

Heroin is not


Don't worry if you think

that the weather is a bummer

I hear that next month

will be an Indian summer

No, it was not a forecast

that I saw on the tele

but heard on the wireless

thanks to Radio Delhi


Theresa May, Theresa May walking through the Alps

Theresa May, Theresa May having won some scalps

who's left in charge

not Nige Farage

Theresa May, Theresa May, Theresa May...


I read the news today oh boy

about a journalist who made the 'plane

although the news was rather daft

well I just had to cringe

hence this whinge

He saw some athletes on his flight

they'd won gold medals just the other night

a crowd of passengers sat and clapped

they'd seen their faces before

nobody was really sure

if they would soon be in the House of Lords...

(Apologies to Lennon & McCartney)


Just where were you this last week-end

In the shops with money to spend?

Picnicking with fruit and cream

Or did you support your local team?

On the beach with new frisbee

perhaps you watched sport on TV

with so much choice it's hard to tell

who to watch and what to yell

Prima Donnas tumbling, diving on the floor

or do you not like football anymore?

too many medalists to mention here

but none by name of Vladimir


The Brits are doing jolly good

over in the Rio 'hood

some, of course, are millionaires

others fill in questionnaires

then they get some lottery money

which I think is very funny

for some - like Murray - it's their job

others have to earn a bob

you can't distinguish 'tween the two

all are brilliant at what they do

who's to say which skill is best?

a Murray lob or dive abreast

it's market forces that decree

who vacates in Necker, who Torquay


Laurel & Hardy, "Carry On" franchise

comedy has always put tears in our eyes

Morecombe and Wise, "Only Fools..."

amongst others, set new 'funny' rules

but now, for your pleasure

a comedic act to (not) treasure

for the dumb and the literati

I introduce... the LABOUR PARTY


Theresa, she wants Grammer Schools

but shorely they are just for fools

it done me no arm see, as a rule

to go to bleedin' Secondry School

can rite as good as any Police

as evidunced by this fine peace


GB womens rugby - great

through as group winners to last 8

forget the usual brawn v weed

these young girls are built for speed

not sure about Sir Clive's riposte

just how much did he bleedin' cost?


The biker men, they fell and lost

just how much did their gear cost?

the cobbles done it for the bikers

better off on foot like hikers

"like fish out of water" man from BBC said

should swap with swimmers; they good at tread


the season started at the cottage

down in London village

the toons were in town

but were left with a frown

so Fulham top the table

Newcastle just unable

to shoot and score

Raffa swore


EU Referendum (Afterthought)

The 'activists' were clear: half wanted to "Remain", half wanted to "Leave". The other half did not have a bleedin' clue. Three halves? No wonder there was complete and utter confusion...


the chinamen are hot under the collar

"sign the ******* agreement" they holler

but we don't want their nuclear charms

we'd rather have lots of nice wind farms

nuclear power is so passe

there are better, safer ways today

no, not lighting candles, chump

but setting fire to Donald Trump


dave's in trouble once again

he's giving honours to 'Team Remain'

but his biggest sin is plain to see

he didn't bleedin' include me!

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© Richard Finch