Welcome to my website; a place of pleasantry

Here's one I wrote earlier:

 

Watch on You Tube with pictures:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWS6YAkWrHc&feature=youtu.be

I wondered loudly as a cow (with apologies to Wiliam Wordsworth)

 

I wondered loudly as a cow

that plods in fields with gates of bars

when all at once I saw, somehow

a line of shiny motor cars

along the road, around the bend

the stalling traffic its way did wend

 

Continuous the brake lights shine

with the traffic nose to tail

the stretching, never-ending line

along the road to Borrowdale

scores of drivers showing grief

shaking their heads in disbelief

 

Walkers and bikers saw them, laughed

they out-did the almost statics cars

a driver could not but be daft

to sit in stifling metal jars

I grazed and grazed, with little knowledge

what caused the scene just o'er the hedge

 

For oft when in the field I lie

in vacant or in lazy moo'd

I see the picture in my eye

which spoils my splendid solitude

and then my head; it ha, ha, ha's

and laughs about the motor cars

 

 

 

Tony Says (with apologies to 1910 Fruitgum Company (honest!))

I'd like to play a game
That is so much fun
And it's not so very hard to do
The name of the game is Tony Blair says
And I would like for you to play it too

 

Tony Blair says

cut off your right arm
wriggle the knife all about
Tony says
Do it when Tony says
that will teach you to vote out

 

Tony Blair says
cut off your left arm
hack the bone if it's stiff
Tony says
do it when Tony says
and you'll cause no more mischief

 

Tony Blair says
pat your self on the back
are you enjoying this fun game?
Tony says
do it when Tony says
...oh you can't? That's a shame

 

Tony Blair says
it serves you bleedin' right
should not have listened to him
Tony says
you did it when Tony said
now your life will be grim

 

Confused?

If you score "under par" when playing golf; that's good.

In any other sport, an "under par" performance is bad...

 

Corbyn Blues (with apologies to Mick Jones, Joe Strummer/The Clash)

My Honourable friends, you must let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you like much aplenty
I'll be here till 2020
So you must let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

 

I'll always hesitate
You think I am third rate
One day is fine and the next is cack
So if you want me off your back
Well, come on and let me know


Should I stay or should I go?

If I must go then tell me why

I will not wear a suit and tie

If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know

 

The indecision's rather annoying
some of you are merely toying
Exactly who I'm supposed to be
Is anyone better than me?
Come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

 

Trump Land

If at first you don't suceed, blame someone else and move on

that's what my Daddy told me when he bought and sold Saigon

So, my immigration ban was not so popular. Astonishing.

well, the next one will get through, without admonishing

I'll start with Germany, Britain, the Isle of Man and France

Germany is obvious, with Hitler still around, I cannot take a chance

Britain, well Theresa 'turned me down' you know; true honey

then there's that Speaker clown Bilko, I used to find him funny

the French have a language I don't understand, which I hate

AND they made us pay $15 million for Louisiana! straight!

in fact while we are in Yorup, the not-so-wonderful "EU"

anyone who runs a song contest like that must be full of poo

the Japanese, well what can I say? I was reminded by my barber

we still cannot forgive them - what they did to Pearl Harbour

Africa is incontinent - you heard that right my friends

enough to give anyone - especially us - the bends

Of course I support Israel building wherever they like

We don't want them coming here do we? - go and take a hike

the Muslim population over in the Middle East

they are not coming here to share in our own feast!

Oh, so I forgot to mention that little Isle of Man to you

well, a place that has no beautiful women - barred; true

the Chinese sell us $347 billion more stuff than we sell them each year

until we cut that figure will I let them come and live here?

the Aussies and their kangaroos that play that silly cricket

they and their neighbours are forever on a sticky wicket

and do not forget my friends the great wall with Mexico

it's not just for them; all the southern countries can go-

and that my friends just leaves the home of fried mars bars

the home of my dear mother, who can't make their own cars

when Nichola - who loves me by the way - leaves Britain

the Scots will be welcome - except for those in prison

so there it is - my new executive order - first class

remember - always - think big and kick ass

True.

 

Reporter: "We are now going over to the live telephone debate between Nichola Sturgeon and Theresa May regarding the possibility of another independent referendum".

I will, so I will, [said Nichola in a huff]

Go on then, [said Theresa, calling her bluff]

This time will be a resounding AYE!

You're as popular as a stale pork pie!

It's all your fault, for the Brickshit

It's what's best for all, you wee dimwit

I've got the Donald on my side

No, he says I'm his new joy and pride

Oh, but we've got Alex, so we have too

That's your problem, silly moo

I warned you it would come to this

Here's my @*&$, give it a kiss

You've just one final, last wee chance

I shall not give a second glance

Tomorrow I shall name the date

Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait, CANNOT WAIT!

You'll be sorry when we've gone

Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait, COME ON!

Reporter: "well that seems to be the end of this debate for now".

 

Do you think we gave them enough to be getting on with Hon?

Yes, I can see the headlines now, ha ha

Yes, they'll be besides themselves, ha ha, love you Hon

You too wee one, bye

 

Confused?

Miss Reid got the sack for mis-reading the news.

 

Typo:

Liecester City ack boss Ranieri??

Liecester City sack boss Ranieri?

Liecester City hack boss Ranieri to death?

Liecester City lack boss, Ranieri resigns?

Liecester City pack boss Ranieri's belongings as he moves house?

Liecester City whack boss Ranieri in play fight?

Liecester City crack up at boss Ranieri's joke

Liecester City frack boss Ranieri's back garden?

Liecester City acknowledge boss Ranieri is great?

Liecester City acknowledge boss Ranieri's time is up?

Liecester City rack boss Ranieri's brain for ideas?

Liecester City tack boss Ranieri's horse?

Liecester City black boss Ranieri's training?

Liecester City tackle boss Ranieri in 5-a-side game?

Liecester City crack boss Ranieri's puzzle

Liecester City ack-ack boss Ranieri's plane?

Liecester City BACK boss Ranieri!!!

 

Overheard in Washington

Reporter: What do you say to Speaker Bercow's insistence that he will not allow

you to speak in the Houses of Parliament when you visit London?

DT: Look, the Queen will see to it that I get to speak to her Lords and Dames. She

loves me. She said I was beautiful and great.

Reporter: She told you that?

DT: Not exactly, she called me the other day, just as I was taking a putt at the 14th,

so I handed the phone to my Secretary who was caddying. She told my secretary "Donald is

beautiful". Unlike her craggy old husband. Period.

Reporter: So what exactly will you say to them?

DT: WEll, I'll remind them that I am a very rich and successful businessman and that all

women love me and if they treat me with respect I can help them. Not to become beautiful

like me but to be successful. Not AS successful as me, but more successful than they have

achieved so far. Simple. And I'll teach them how to attract beautiful women. Not as beautiful

as the women that are attracted to ME, but better than those that are attacted to them presently.

Reporter: What about trade between our two countries?

DT: WEll, I'll tell them that when they do the Brickshit thing we can talk. I can guarantee

that the Scottish - who I love by the way, and they love me - can still send their whisky - which

I love too and it loves me - to America. But, you know there is a difference of about one and one

half billion dollars each month in goods between us, so we need to reduce how much we are paying them...

Reporter: Finally, for now, what will you say to them about NATO and President Putin?

DT: That I'm all for the NATO thing and I'm gonna suggest we expand it to include all the North

Atlantic countries, and maybe even Russia, becuase I love Putin and he loves me. He told me. He said

"Donald, how do manage to get such beautiful women to love you?" I said, "Vlad, you need to work on

that body, and I'll give you a few more tips". But they are personal. Between him and me. Trust me, I'l

l be good for him. I have to go now, I promised Melania I'd let her wax my legs...

 

Confused?

When it was first suggested that the harrier should

be discontinued, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown

agreed, thinking it was the bird.

 

Nichola has been training

whilst it's bleedin' raining

she thinks it's entertaining

for loyal Scots remaining

so in the staff canteen

they made it quite a scene

to change how it has been

last verse "God Save The Queen"

for them who do not knows

or working class 'dunnos'

not been to Royal shows

this is how it goes:

Lord grant that Marshal Wade

May by thy mighty aid Victory bring

May he sedition hush

And like a torrent rush,

Rebellious Scots to crush

God save the Queen

 

you may have read about lots of news that is fake

but, not to worry, it doesn't keep me awake

we all know you can't believe all that you read

P.S. did you know Prince Charles is really a Swede?

you just cannot trust what the media say

by the way, the Queen hates Theresa May

in the newspapers there is so much that's trash

I hear that for Nigel to meet Trump he paid 10,000 dollars (cash)

the BBC are as bad - on a slow news day they just make up tales

according to his wife (she told me), Boris paints his toenails

you even hear fake stuff on the local radio news

but believe me - after Brickshit, Prince William will live in Toulouse

anyway, don't think that fake news will have the upper hand

as far as I'm concerned, on this site it's banned...

 

confused?

James Murdoch making a cup of tea for his Father:

"Do you want sugar daddy?"

 

 

May had a little problem

May had a little problem

called Brexit so and so

and everywhere that May went

the problem was sure to go

 

It followed her to Brussels one day

which was against the Article 50 rule

it made the other countries laugh and say:

you are a silly fool”

 

And so the President turned it out

but it still lingered on

so they waited patiently

'til May had left and gone

 

Eventually there was much talk

about the Brexit deal

Britain wanted cheese and chalk

but they just said “get real”

 

May went back and said “OK”

we're off despite forbiddance”

hoping they would say “please stay”

but they just said “good riddance!”

 

Confused?

So are the electrolyte.

 

Runner Bean's Jimmy Connors 2017

I waited for the honours list

but missed out once again

it seems unfair I was not told

having waited in the rain

 

Many names I do not know

deserving cases cannot lose

but turning up for work each day

and cleaning politicians’ shoes?

 

"Services  to global tax policy

and tax payers” was one

sounds suspiciously like a job description

and must be rather fun

 

tackling tax non-compliance

and tax avoidance” another

surely was a job inherited

on retirement of her mother

 

But most deserving(?) of them all

services to immigration policy

(and border security)...”

Just how successful was he?

 

I’m not a friend of Theresa,

The Queen or Elton John

and that appears to be my loss

my chances all but gone

 

Perhaps next time I’ll try again

and throw some sumptuous parties

but money won’t be changing hands

I only give out smarties.

 

Confused?

Mussels, like us, have muscles.

No wonder they are confused.

 

What will you do with your extra second

on New Year's Eve when it's nearly midnight?

give someone near you an extra peck

shout out loud "what the feck!"

pick a bogey from your nose

shout to your partner "I propose!"

give the birthday boy an extra bump

shout out loud "eff off Trump!"

pour yourself even more wine

shout to a stranger "please be mine!"

have an extra drag of your fag

ask your neighbour "fancy a ....?!"

put another chocolate in your mouth

shout out loud "it's great down South!"

have another slurp of beer

ask the milkman "are you queer?!"

kiss the visitor from Fife

ask her nicely "don't tell the wife"

have a sneaky look at nearest exit

shout out loud "I voted Brexit!"

scratch your head behind an ear

shout out loud "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

 

Confused?

Sheriffs in the US don't carry a magnum these days

because - due to global warming - it would melt.

 

A song for Christmas  (they can't all be jolly)

thought you'd stay

 

i thought you'd stay

you went away

now here i lay

what can i say

i miss your way again today

i have no clue

what will i do

i dread that you

are going to

find someone new and make me blue

since we first met

we never let

our passion get

away, and yet

do not forget our lips were wet

this time of year the day draws near since you're not here

and all my fear becoming clear you won't appear

i really pine

your eyes that shine

bodies entwine

i want you mine

and down the line things will be fine

our love was bright

throughout the night

no need for light

since you took flight

you're out of sight that can't be right

i can't let go

i hope you know

i've told you so

despair, although

it waits, pillow for tomorrow

this time of year the day draws near since you're not here

and all my fear becoming clear you won't appear

my heart it screams

where are my dreams

the rain it teems

or so it seems

no smiling beams my eyes cry streams

this time of year the day draws near since you're not here

and all my fear becoming clear you won't appear

the spirits came

and called your name

i feel no shame

i cry the same

for who's to blame this dying game

 

Soon be christmas, yes it will

bet you can't wait to get the bill

not bothered myself, living alone

will stay in my own comfort zone

I am waiting, licking my chops

for easter eggs to get in the shops

before that though - another line

all that goes with valentine

syrupy cards, chocolate and wine

enough to make a shivery spine

but that's what shops, they do the best

persuade a dog to wear a vest

don't think bargains there for you

if they were, there'd be a queue

 

Confused?

How does one wrap a parcel of land?

 

I've been asked to come up with some new advertising slogans:

(smaller) Mars bars - a mars a day helps you work, rest OR play

(smaller) Kit kats - have a mini-break, have a kit-kat

Nike - Just buy it!

Milk Tray - and all because the lady's not worth decent chocolate

John Lewis - never knowingly understaffed

Tesco - every little helps Lidl get better

Subway - eat it now because it may not be that fresh

KFC - sometimes, licking your finger is not good

Heinz Beans - Beanz meanz Heinz carnt spel

Frosties - they're gr-r-ross

Ronseal - it does exactly what the missus wants

Microsoft - where did you want to go today but couldn't?

Schweppes - Schhh... we sold out to you-know-who

 

Nigel Farage says that he wants to be the "bridge between the UK and

(new) US Governments when Donald Trump becomes President. So, it got me thinking:

'Bridge over troubled water'?

Meanwhile, Alex Salmond has been banging on (again) about the Scots

having another referendum, which he is confident they would win:

'(E) You to me are Everything'

Theresa May on George Osbourne's continual (unwanted) asides:

'We don't talk anymore'

The EU Leaders that politely ignored Theresa May in Brussels this week:

'Don't stand so close to me'

BA cabin staff, Post Office staff, baggage handlers are among those joining Southern Trains

staff in striking this week:

'Bringing on back the Good Times'

 

Confused?

A man went into the hairdressers:

"My hair has receded, can I have it reseeded?"

 

I'm glad I'm not an expert; oh yes I am

although I thought I would be when I was in my pram

the weatherman tells us there's going to be a storm

but it often turns out to be quite still and warm

the economists tell us we're going down the drain

but everyone has SPEND-SPEND-SPEND on the brain

the scientists - the ones with blackboard and easel

told us to buy cars that run on diesel!

the housing experts tell us that the market is blue

the next thing you know - the opposite is true

the football 'pundits' tell us that Leicester will fatigue

but at the end of the season they win the bleedin' league

the environmentalists tells us that earth is doomed

the next thing you know an extinct flower has bloomed

the market researchers told us Remainers would prevail

but that's not what happened in Wensleydale

Finally - for now - what about the BBC and the Press

they could make you want to go to Dungeoness

 

Confused?

The double-agent found himself in Moscow during the winter, but he wouldn't

venture out because even the pavements were treacherous.

 

The Rolling Stones' album at number 1?

showing the youngsters just how it's done

there is no denying they'll not fade away

when ready they'll go out with a bang - and how

you can then safely say it's all over now

 

Some woman complaing about wiki site

too many profiles of men is that right?

but what is expected when more men are famous

and more likely to be a complete ignoramus

how many mass murderers and serial killers

were women, or famous for being Priscilla?

how many women led their country to war

or scored a great goal to level the score?

and how many women started their big own business

or a whole country did manage to repress?

if you women want equal this, that and rights

you need to get down the pub more at nights

leave the old man at home with the young baby

arrive home at midnight, or one o'clock maybe

and when he complains about your neglect

start talking about football, to change the subject

and then when you get to the top of the tree

you'll get your own entry on wiki - for free!

 

Confused?

I rang the Police: "My friend has just killed his Dad!"

Policeman: "How do you know?"

Me: "He's just returned from golf and said he 'got Pa'.".

 

This time of year, Time do announce

"Person of the Year", or thereabouts

this year it could have been me, even you

or the girl next door - she's done well too

but no, we've all been brought down with a bump

they've named the President-Elect, Donald Trump

it comes with a caveat: "for better or for worse"

I can't comment further, in a civilised verse

it remains to be seen, in the year still to come

if he acts like Tweedledee or his mate Tweedledum

 

Meanwhile, back in the Parliament House

they have been arguing, everyman and his spouse

but finally agree on the Brexit timetable

to start when Theresa is ready and able

never mind the Supreme Court is still undecided

some would go further and say they're misguided

but the Scots, Irish, Welsh, Liberal berks

have their own spanner to throw in the works

so at end of another day chewing the cud

this Brexit thing is still clear as mud

 

And before you go spend that last new blue fiver

on a burger, a pint or another screwdriver

check that the number is not - - -

if it is, it's worth quite a lot of nice cash

twenty grand or more is the sum that they quote

which is quite a lot for a new five pound note

of course if a vegetarian or vegan person, say

found one, they'd most likely give it away!

 

Confused?

I drove to the bank today to meet my wife who had gone

to collect some gold, and when I opened my car door in got my wife.

 

So, Iceland the country (that's very cold)

doesn't like Iceland the shop (they're not as old)

whatever happens next could have repercusions

which could lead to some strange discussions

Brazil could stop us eating nuts (that's nuts)

China could stop us using crockery - no ifs or buts

Jersey could stop us wearing woolies

(particularly bad if Cardigan joined, the bullies)

Japan would stop us blackening our screws

The Virgin Isles - now that's bad news

Panama - no more hats, cigars

Greece - no more lubricating parts of our cars

even the UK could stop us being united (oh, too late)

but no more Jordan - hey that's great!

 

But what if BIG companies retaliated?

some that are even - surprisingly - hated

Apple could stop us eating fruit from certain trees

Orange would bring the citrus fruit market to its knees

Total (oil) would not allow us to add up

EADS (airbus) would stop us tossing a coin - yup!

Nestle would stop us cuddling into the bosom of a loved one

Alphabet (Google) would ban the ABC - that's no fun

Home Depot would not allow us, well, home - nowhere to stay!

but Johnson and Johnson would ban ... Boris - hooray!

 

Confused?

Do you really need any  more confusion today?

 

 

Because the OPEC blokes decided

to cut production, maybe misguided

so oil is set to rise in cost

just when you need it to offset frost

or drive your car instead of walking

why not cycle? now you're talking

or take the bus, the tube or train

let the driver take the strain

of course you need to pick a day

when they're not striking for more pay

or in the case of southern trains, cor!

they're arguing who shuts the door!

and ticket office closures underground

mean tube strikes for another round

I've been through it in my time

now I just sit here and rhyme

eating lots of bread and honey

trying to be just a trifle funny

I know, some can do it without trying

like Nigel, now he gets me crying

 

Confused?

Is a squaddie pressing his uniform a soldering iron?

 

In case you hadn't noticed, sat in the pubs and bars

the "Trace Gas Orbiter" has arrived quite close to Mars

it's taken lots of pictures, to the scientists' delight

good job it was in daytime and not during the night

it seems they want to send another landing craft

the first one they sent crashed, the driver was quite daft

it's costing lots of money which could best be spent elsewhere

but when the martians invade us - if they bleedin' dare

we'll know just what they look like

just don't give them your name Pike!

 

Confused?

The kitchen was getting steamy so I set off to buy an extractor fan.

The man in the shop directed me to a retired farmer up the road.

 

So Hamilton won the race, but lost the title

the race when he had a puncture was vital

instead of calling his crew on the intercom

he contacted "we-fix-any-puncture.com"

they took a week to fix the bleedin' thing

whilst Lewis sat waiting on the wing

never mind eh, there's always next year

provided Lewis gets his act in gear (!)

 

So Mourinho sent to stands again

he is fast becoming referees' pain

but kicking water bottle not good example

if his players try a similar sample

they may forget to kick the ball

which in turn could be their downfall

if they slip further down the table

manager's job given to my Aunt Mabel

she's no expert, won't work full-time

but i somehow had to make it rhyme

 

Meanwhile over in Wisconsin, USA

they're recounting votes, but hey

you didn't expect a simple path

from Trump Tower to White House bath?

I hear from my American lads

they may well find some "hanging chads"

but I have a plan for any trouble there

quite simply, we sould send - Tony Blair

 

confused?

The check-in girl asked if I was going to Thailand.

I answered "yeah, siam".

 

Hillary is saved from jail

Donald has turned tail

part of the new wall will be fence

that will save a few pence

'Obamacare' will not be busted

the whole thing might just be adjusted

not all muslims will be barred

but their entry will be hard

all illegal immigrants to be sent away?

now only those who criminally stray

is Mr T now going soft?

no, he'll hold his head aloft

he's learning now, despite his gob

it's always easier to do someone else's job

 

Confused?

pigeons do not speak pidgin.

 

Murray took on Djokovic to stay as No 1

it's not about the money - it's just a lot of fun

so this year he's won himself about thirteen mil

looking at the figure just makes me feel quite ill

but before you get too hot there underneath your collars

i should add that the figure is only, just in US dollars

his elder brother Jamie - now he is also handy

world number one in doubles, the same as young Andy

he doesn't earn as much as Andy - that's a bleedin' shame

but not to worry 'cos he says it's just his favourite game

meanwhile, who gets more than Andy?, only poor old Rooney

but to compare their performances would be rather looney

anyway, i'm sure you know, although i've said my bit

anyone could earn that much: just write a Christmas hit

 

Confused?

A friend of mine became a Nun; she didn't like

the dress, but soon got in the habit

 

Important news today from the BBC

about the price of supporting football, you see

tickets, tea and replica shirts

and the cost in your pocket, where it hurts

you have to go 'far' for cheap pie and tea

but only because it's "Forfar" you see

a couple of quid is all it would cost

not much to stomach - even if they've lost

but at the London Stadium - home of West Ham

just a pie costs four pounds, without any jam

if you want to wear someone's replica shirt

fifty pounds is the top wack, if you're a convert

but if you support a european team; you did?

then a shirt will cost you nearly eighty quid

ninety seven pounds to watch the Gunners

for that you'd want to see lots of runners

but if you go and see lowly Crawley Town

you can watch that lot for half a crown

 

Confused?

A friend had to pay for his vasectomy,

but at £12.50 it was a snip

 

What's this I hear?

Nigel to be a life Peer?

Of course it's only rumour

or maybe it's a bloomer

he's no worse than some others

nominated by their mothers

and he has worked very hard

and all without a bodyguard

he does appear to be disjointed

but he may be disappointed

hoping to assist new president

but can't become a US resident

still, if he gets to be a peer

westminster needs a lot more beer

 

confused?

I had a german sausage at the week-end;

it was the wurst i had ever eaten

 

Overheard at the US Immigration Control Help Desk:

Operator: Howdee, how can I help you today?

Nigel Farage: Hello, yes, I'm calling about my fast-track residency application

Op: (laughs) Siiir, you would need to know the President in person to get a fast track residency these days

Nigel: WEll, I do, at least Mr Trump: President Elect...

Op (laughs again) Siiir, Donald Trump has as much chance of winning the vote next week as Chicago Cubs winning a World Series. That's Baseball.

Nigel: Where have you been you cretin? Mr Trump DID win the election that was LAST week. And I have been selected personally by Mr Trump to be part of his Team. And by the way, Chicago Cubs did win the World Series. Where have you been you Cretin? Mars?

Op: What? he won!! OMG!! I've been on vacation actually, a little place called England; that's in Oorope. Apparently, they won a world series once. I don't know how because it's difficult to get around the place the roads are soooo tiny. And they've got this thing called Brickshit going on which means they are going to fight NATO. And apparently, the guy that instigated the whole thing was sucking up to Donald Trump in the -

Nigel: Never mind that you Cretin, what about my application?

Op: OK, Sir, what's your full name? And your current Nationality?

Nigel: I'm English and my name is Nigel Pau-

Op: Nigel?? I LOVE your cookin' programmes! You don't sound like you do on the TV though, I -

Nigel: Nigel, not Nigella, you Cretin, Nigel Paul Farage

Op: How do you spell that Frage bit...?

Nigel: FARAGE! F A R A G E. Farage!

Op: Sounds French if you don't mind me saying so Sir

Nigel: It is French, but one of my great Grandparents was actually German and I -

Op: So what is it Sir, are you English, French, German or European?

Nigel: I am a British Citizen

Op: Now you are complicating matters Sir. What's it to be?

NIgel (sighing) For the purposes of my application, I am BRITISH!

Op: Right... OK, I've found you here

Nigel: At last!

Op: There's a note - attached last week - saying that you are a leader of the banned movement Oohkip and -

Nigel: YOU kip. YOU kip, and it's not a 'banned movement' it's a proper political party in the YOU Kay!

Op: OohKay, where the hell is that now?

Nigel: The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland to give it its correct title. It consists of England, Scotland, Wales, North-

Op: What? You are Scottish now? Gee, Sir you are one complicated fella. Hold on, there's another note attached; yesterday.

Nigel: Whatsitsay?

Op: It says, and I am -

Nigel: Hello? ... Hello? ... Hello? .... bugger

to be continued...

 

Confused?

I told the builder that I wanted underfloor heating,

so he laid the radiators under the carpet.

 

Trumping

President-Elect Trump holds a press conference to allay fears that he may not uphold some of his pre-election "promises".

 

I am going to build a wall - a wall of flowers, shrubs and trees - along the border with Mexico. The North American Native Plant Society is going to be in charge, and they will choose which plants to use. And Mexico is going to play for it. We are going to play them at various sports and the losers pay for the wall. Simple. Of course, we will win every game. Simple. And the wall is going to be beautiful.

 

I said I would get rid of Obamacare and I will. I am going to keep the legislation, but call it Trumpcare(s). Of course I do.

 

I am going to take care of women. As long as they are young and beautiful, and they come to me, then I will take care of them. Melania doesn't mind. Honest, she doesn't.

 

I am going to ban the importation of muslin to the United States. You know, most of it comes from China, and I am going to make sure that our people get back to producing the stuff in our own factories.

 

Hillary Clinton IS going to prison! I am going to put Secretary Clinton in charge of the Prison reforms. She is going to sort out the mess that they are in. And she will do a wonderful job.

 

I am going to "strengthen the military". By the time I take office, all military personnel willl be taking daily weight training in order to increase their strength. Those that fail will be put behind a desk for six months and then discharged. Period.

 

I am not going to jump into bed with Putin! He's not gay and neither am I! Ask Melania!

 

I am going to send back - yes, send back - all the Syrian refugees aged 100 plus. They will be on the next plane out of here.

 

I am going to stop spending money on space. We spend trillions of dollars on it every year. We need to fix our own Country first. So if you have got a spare space in your house, watch out, I'm coming for you.

 

I am going to bring back 'waterboarding'. My own family love it. Without it The Beach Boys would never be famous!

 

I am not going to take a vacation whilst I am in the white house. But I have a golfing week-end booked, so I have to leave it there for now. I'll come back next week and tell you more. But in the meantime I will say this to anyone who thinks I will not honor my promises... I am now a fully-fledged "Politician" in the true sense of the word. I will just say this, and you can quote me on this: "They were only promises".

 

Confused?

Asked what he thought of Katmandu, Mr Trump said:

"anything that man can do, I can do better.  Trust me".

 

Overheard at the Foreign Office:

Donald Trump: Hello?

Boris: Hello Donald you old Haggis, it's Boris

DT: Remind me...

BJ: (coughs) ...Boris Johnson, Foreign Secretary of the United Kingdom. I am calling to congratulate you on your splendid victory and to say that I am looking forward to working with your administration

DT: Oh yes, Mr Johnson. How's your handicap?

BJ: ER, ... I don't have a handicap, it's just the way I talk

DT: Oh? Is that the same Mr Johnson who would not invite me to London in case I met some of your countrymen?

BJ: WEll (laughs nervously) ... well, of course that was in the heat of the mo. You will, of course be very welcome and I am sure my Prime Minister will be hoping you pay us a visit very soon.

DT: Fancy me then does she? Most women do you know. Well, from what I've seen, I'd be better off with that young princess gal, whatsername?

BJ: Oh... well, I, er am not sure which one you mean -

DT: I didn't mean to win you know. Who the hell expected that?!

BJ: I know the feeling

DT: Your Brickshit thing?

BJ: Yes, er Brexit. I didn't expect to win either. I -

DT: But you came out of it OK. What can I do? Two months and I'm the President of the most beautiful, powerful country on the planet!

BJ: WEll, you could disappear for a while

DT: Yeah! Great idea. But how? I must be the most recognised person on that same planet right now!

BJ: WEll, if you shave your head, grow a beard and lose a bit of weight, no-one would recognise you. You could hide out in my pad near Henley. Who the hell would expect that! You could change your name.

DT: To what?

BJ: I dunno... how about Bob McFartface?

DT: Sounds good. Any golf in the neighbourhood?

BJ: Yes, there's a pitch and putt just round the corner and -

DT: Great! What about Musslims?...

BJ: Ah, well...

Operator: Mr Johnson, shall I put you through to Mr Trump now?

BJ: Oh! Yes! Right. OMBG! Yes! Er... I was just practising... I -

Operator: Of course Sir. Wait a moment...

BJ: (to himself)... OMG - er "Hello Mr Trump. Congrat -

Operator: I'm sorry Sir, he will not speak to you. His Secretary asked me to say that he thinks you are a Dickhead and you should go service the Prime Minister.

BJ: Oh, right. Yes... tell her... er thanks very much.

 

Dobbin Good

Donald Trump Donald Trump always going swimmin'

Donald Trump Donald Trump with his men and wimmin'

Feared by the good, loved by the bad

Donald Trump Donald Trump Donald Trump

 

He called Republicans in the House

even though they didn't like his spouse

They voted to help him win his fair share

even though they didn't like his hair

 

He came to washington with a feather instead of hair

and blasphemed all; he didn't care

His tongue was always ready, and he kept his remarks tall

especially when it came to building his new wall

 

Donald Trump Donald Trump always going swimming

Donald Trump Donald Trump with his men and wimmin

Feared by the good, loved by the bad

Donald Trump Donald Trump Donald Trump

 

With Nigel Farage and Ms Conway they had a roguish look,

He captured all the money that the taxman never took

they did the deed the others wouldn't dare

and still they joked about his hair

 

And on the day, when all said and done

he was quite shocked; it was just fun

but now that he'll be president

he'll must expel many a resident

 

Donald Trump Donald Trump always going swimming

Donald Trump Donald Trump with his men and wimmin

Feared by the good, loved by the bad

Donald Trump Donald Trump Donald Trump

 

Confused?

I went to Bikini in the Marshall Islands

and they charged me a toll

 

There is less than a week still to go

who isn't sick of the whole goddam show?

But don't you worry; have no fear

you won't read anything about it on here

there's nothing to say about the subject

it would surely show you some disrespect

it seems that both sides are vehemently hated

their own tribal following is not overstated

One side attacks, the others defend

there seems no limit to the money they spend

who will be the main player, no-one can say

it will need a strong arbiter to see fair play

who gets ahead first may still not prevail

another own goal could still see them fail

to the winner - Obama, the loser - Mugabe

ah, there's nothing quite like the North London Derby

 

Confused?

I was surprised when the server asked

if I wanted anything on my cheese

sandwhich, and I got myself in a right pickle.

 

The Pensioner Song

(with apologies to Monty Python)

 

I'm a pensioner and I'm all right

I forget today but can't sleep at night

I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh

I often lead myself up the garden path

 

I potter about and I volunteer

but I don't smoke or drink any beer

I've not much hair I have to say

and what there is, it's mostly grey

 

I potter about and I volunteer

I don't drive a car 'cos it's much too dear

I like to go out riding on my bike

or bus to the fells and go for a hike

 

I'm a pensioner and I'm all right

I forget today but can't sleep at night

I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh

I often lead myself up the garden path

 

I potter about and I volunteer

I'm embarrassed by my laughing gear

I don't eat toffee or steaks of beef

'cos I have lost a lot of my teeth

 

I potter about and I volunteer

I can't remember what I did last year

I don't watch TV, well just a bit

much of it thinks I am a dimwit

 

I'm a pensioner and I'm all right

I forget today but can't sleep at night

I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh

I often lead myself up the garden path

 

I potter about and I volunteer

I can touch my toes but not my left ear

I don't have a wife to boss me about

the downside is I have to go without

 

I potter about and I volunteer

I met a nice lady down Buttermere

she took me to her house and made me glad

but by the next day I'd fogotten what I'd had

 

I'm a pensioner and I'm all right

I forget today but can't sleep at night

I wrote this birthday song just for a laugh

but now I going off for a bath

 

Confused?

The recipe said I should knead the dough, so

I kneed it, but had to wash my trousers after.

 

 

The Heathrow Song

Welcoming the first plane to arrive on

the third runway c20whenever

 

She'll be coming down the runway when she comes

she'll be coming down the runway when she comes

she'll be coming down the runway

coming down the runway

she'll be coming down the runway when she comes

 

She'll be carrying lots of people when she comes

She'll be carrying lots of people when she comes

she'll be carrying lot of people

carrying lot of people

she'll be carrying lots of people when she comes

 

It will cost a lot of billions when she comes

It will cost a lot of billions when she comes

it will cost a lot of billions

cost a lot of billions

it will cost a lot of billions when she comes

 

Oh, we'll all go out to greet her when she comes

Oh, we'll all go out to greet her when she comes

Oh, we'll all go out to greet her

all go out to greet her

we will all go out to greet her when she comes

 

We will protest loud and clear when she comes

We will protest loud and clear when she comes

We will protest loud and clear

protest loud and clear

we will protest loud and clear when she comes

 

We will all fly off on holiday when she comes

We will all fly off on holiday when she comes

We will all fly off on holiday

all fly off on holiday

we will all fly off on holiday when she comes

 

We'll be hypocrites when she comes that's for sure

We'll be hypocrites when she comes that's for sure

We'll be hypocrites when she comes

hypocrites when she comes

we'll be hypocrites when she comes that's for sure

 

Confused?

Ford cars have been around since about 1903. 

The Norwegian Fjords have been around since the last ice age.

 

WanTED.

PARTy Leader. MUST:

Have experience of using public transport and able to read timetables (or ask someone to explain).

Be willing to use own house for meetings (with Spouse to do the catering).

Be unknown in the UK (except to the other fifteen party members).

Have a hat to 'throw into the ring'.

Throw one's hat into aforementioned ring on time (i.e. BEFORE the deadline).

Be able to spurn advances of Nigel Farage (he used to be the Party Leader). No, the one before her.

Know what the job entails before you apply.

Name the last time England won the 1966 World Cup.

Not be called Neil Hamilton.

Not be called Christine Hamilton.

 

Confused?

Apply to be leader of UKIP (see above).

 

The Tory Party conference is underway

but try not to let that spoil your day

during the week there will be laughs

good job they don't use a polygraph

MPs would surely go off the scale

as their behaviour goes beyond the pale

still, it gives the Labour 'opposition'

a chance to moan; no juxtaposition

as if anyone has all the answers

'bout letting in more foreign dancers

then next Monday back to the House

where they can openly moan and grouse

 

Confused?

People are fussy: they make a pig's ear of things, they eat pigmeat,

they wear pigskin leather, buy a 'pig in a poke', they have pigtails

in their hair, make a pig of themself, use pigment to make paint,

some even live in a 'pigsty'; but serve them pigswill...

 

Overheard at the Arsenal training ground as a

reporter is introduced to some of the players:

"This is Callum Chambers, we call him Cal for short;

Petr Czech, Pet for short; Mohamed Elneny, Mo for short;

Olivier Giroud, Oli for short; the Manager Arsene Wenger..."

 

Confused?

The front wheel on my bike was working fine,

until someone put a spoke in it.

 

Due to the wonders of (not-so-modern) technology Cliff Richard is to make a record with Elvis. They never met but this is how a phone call conversation may have gone:

Cliff: One night-I could easily (fall in love)-with you-my boy

Elvis: Don't-you're the devil in disguise-too much

Cliff: Do you wanna dance-on the beach-(cos i'm) stuck on you-it's only love

Elvis: I'm looking out the window-in the ghetto-I'm all shook up

Cliff: Please don't tease-I love you- it's now or never-(you are) always on my mind

Elvis: Are you lonesome tonight?-the day I met Marie-she's not you-(she's my) living doll

Cliff: Lucky lips-she's the girl of my best friend-devil woman-let me be your teddy bear

Elvis: Move it-way down-bachelor boy

Cliff: surrender-miss you nights...

Elvis: I just can't help believing-You ain't nothin' but a hound dog

Cliff: ...constantly

Elvis: Alright, OK, you win-it'll be me!

 

Confused?

A Bishop can only move diagonally?

 

"...build a fairer Britain in a peaceful world"

that's what Mr Corbyn said

if he read the papers or watched the news

he'd see that the 'world' is in a state of dread

I'm not one to shout about doom and gloom

but it's not just the markets going bust and boom

there are 'wars' here and there, many years long

bombers and gunmen, knife-wielders too

attacking the people who have done no wrong

but there are two major problems he didn't address

he can read about it most days in our own press

what will he do 'bout the new England boss

it's not just Sam's salary that's at a loss

and what about Rooney - should he should not?

so come on Mr Corbyn, please stop the football rot

 

Confused?

Vagabondage: yes, they do it on the streets too apparently.

 

Big Sam's stopped blowin' bubbles

he got himself in troubles

he flew so high, nearly touched the sky

then his dreams did fade and die

the next question's not why but when and who

it could be 'him' or me or you

but it would be quite looney

to select Wayne Rooney

perhaps in these days of 'equal rights'

it could be a woman from the Isle of Wight

but prob'ly best not to go down that route

but to get a young bloke dressed in a suit

then just when you think that he's doing ok

he'll be off out, home, on his way

even if he wins his first away game

he'll miss his mum's knitting, oh what a shame

 

Confused?

A dodgy looking bloke approached me in the street, looking

for "the local dealer".  I told him I never played cards.

 

2020 living wage to be £10 an hour

if Labour somehow come to power

the problem is, and here's the rub

there's more chance seeing me down the pub

but much can happen in four years

there will be much more strife and tears

some things of course can be foreseen

England failing at world cup 2016

the guv'nor at the b of E

changing his mind from plan A to B

and most importantly of all

there'll be a new book of Mr Small

no-one will watch premiership football

and Mourinho manager of South Cornwall

 

Confused?

A magazine can be quite entertaining,

unless it contains bullets

 

LABOUR-laborious-Borius-boreal-

bordello-Bordeaux-boredom-BORING

 

Confused?

A mate used to work down the pit; now he's an examiner

 

There was a ex PM called Blair

who became a multi-millionnaire

he made lots of money

without being funny

that's why he drives us to despair

 

confused?

My teacher once said I was a dolt.

"But I'm only 12" I said.

 

It's Labour that and Labour this

they really are taking the ****

they can't decide on anyfinck

except they're going down the sink

opposition party? that's a joke

they are letting down the working folk

he'll reunite them Corbyn did quote

if he wins forthcoming vote

I thought that's what he did last year

instead he's made bleedin' pig's ear

 

Confused?

Ma might give me something yummy in my sandwich

 

drivers on the road using the dog and bone

is something i cannot ever condone

it's dangerous at the very least

to text and drive a powerful beast

i hope the police will stamp it out

perhaps sit in bushes at each roundabout

people who do this must be deranged

i hope ... - hold on a sec the lights have changed

 

confused?

Stag dos are OK, but I have never

been a very good shot

 

so UKIP choose another leader

she must be a (un)lucky bleeder

now I'm not one to play odd games

but who the **** is Diane James?

anyway, with not a little baiting

"We're the opposition party-in-waiting"

shame they've only one MP

what's that you say, "who the **** is he?"

 

Confused?

Grub is nice to eat

unless it's a beetle grub

 

i don't give a fig for bake-off

i prefer to make my own cakes to scoff

i don't care much for Mary Berry

i'd rather watch my mum skin a cherry

i'm not that keen on the others in the show

i'd rather read a book by Defoe

but for all that said, when it goes to channel four

i shall miss it more and more and more

because it keeps the country happy

that makes me a contented chappie

 

confused?

It takes a woman about nine months to go into labour,

but I can sign up in a couple of minutes online.

 

Mr Cameron is resigning

to do some kitchen designing

he doesn't want to be a "distraction"

which shows his dissatisfaction

of course he wanted to 'remain'

and to leave is such a pain

but there'll be sev'ral leaving parties

with some cake covered in smarties

then he'll go on holiday

to Bognor, maybe Colonsay

and get on with his new life

as husband, Dad with pretty wife

 

Confused?

Basil is as daft as a brush

but useful in cooking

 

the palace of westminster is falling down falling down

mister speaker

build it up with posh new bars posh new bars

mister speaker

the posh new bars will soon run dry soon run dry

mister speaker

then build it up with lots more dosh lots more dosh

mister speaker

the public can't even afford their nosh afford their nosh

mister speaker

let them eat just humble pie humble pie

mister speaker

what about the ministers the ministers

mister speaker

we'll be ok in the new posh bars new posh bars

mister speaker

 

confused?

the more speed you take

the less haste you make

 

it's nearly twenty years since the 'white van man'

became the butt of jokes, like the caravan

considered inconsiderate and working class

it's even funnier now that it came to pass

that white is the favourite colour for a car

whether you eat burgers or caviar

but fashions, they come and then they go

you'd think clever people would know better, so

a man must be very dumb or just a jerk

to pay thirty grand for new white merc

 

confused?

It's great being an adult

but I don't like being called a dolt

 

where have all the village bobbies gone

long time passing

gone to squad cars everyone

where have all the squad cars gone

long time passing

been in accidents everyone

where have all the accident cars gone

long time passing

gone to scrap yards everyone

where have all the scrap yard cars gone

long time passing

become 'second-hand bargains' everyone

where have all the 'second-hand bargains' gone

long time passing

gone to young tearaways everyone

where have all the young tearaways gone

long time passing

become village bobbies everyone

when will they ever learn

(with apologies to Pete Seeger)

 

confused?

A salt and pepper pot is useful

Assault and battery is quite violent

 

Teresa May says Brexit will not be "plain sailing"

that's plain speaking, not wailing

she said that there will be "difficult times"

which is good for me, composing rhymes

there are still plenty of ifs, hows, whats and when

but when it's done we'll know it's then

as soon as someone knows what to do

they will do whatever it is, on cue

then someone else will follow suit

and others will no doubt contribute

then someone will sign on the dotted line

and celebrate with sparkling wine

it'll all work out, just wait and see

and everyone will be carefree

and will the brexiteers get awards?

yes, they'll all be in the House of Lords

 

confused?

Having Acrobat on your computer is useful

unless they are walking on a tightrope

in front of your screen

 

Mr Corbyn promises, if he is PM

(he's got more chance in Bethlehem)

to spend a lot of money, at least

thirty million in the poor south east

what's the point of promise

he'll never be in office

to be fair, the silly bleeder

may not even be Labour leader

it's like Leicester City, I fear

saying "we'll win the league this year"!!

 

confused?

The Yeti is a 'fearsome creature',

yet he has never been seen.

 

So Nicola has started a "new conversation"

which sounds very much like the last exhortation

rather than comment all evening long

i thought I'd just show some suitable songs:

'It's the same old song'

'We've only just begun'

'Here I go again'

'I saved the world today'

'Give me just a little more time'

'Dreams can tell a lie'

'A world of our own'

'Feel the need in me'

'The future's so bright I gotta wear shades'

and, finally, if it all goes pear-shaped:

'The bitterest pill (I ever had to swallow)'

 

Confused?

It's good to go racing at Ascot

Nicola is a Scot

 

The Electoral Reform Society

that popular bastion of sobriety

has completed its Brexit report

with the following (obvious) retort:

'the campaign was dogged

by "glaring democratic deficiences"'

(trying rhyming that with fish and chips)

it appears that even 'Remainers', naive

persuaded more people to vote leave

politicians weren't just eating pork pies

but telling us lots of whopping lies

before you shout in condemnation

consider this ERC recommendation:

future referendums to have six month campaigns

seems it never spits it always rains...

 

confused?

sowing crops is easy

but not with a sewing needle

what do I think of that?  so-so

 

One billion pounds in transfer fees

that's a lot for dodgy knees

no doubt some cartilige trouble too

plus a dickie heart or two

all will be revealed i'm sure

when they've played a game or four

did you notice transfer joke?

£89 million for Pogba bloke

but chap moves on for half a crown

from Manchester to Catford Town

the main question that this all leaves

how much today for Jimmy Greaves?

 

Confused?

Tarmac makes a good road surface.

It's also a polite way to thank a Jock

 

overheard in a Dublin bar:

MICK: Murph, are you still working at that greengrocers in the high street?

MURPH: Sure, that I am. Why?

MICK: Well, I heard on the radio that for every apple sold, the greengrocer has to pay one hundred and six euros more in tax. How can he make a profit on that?

MURPH: I don't know. Maybe that's why today he told me to try and sell more pears.

MICK: No! don't sell them in pairs it'll cost twice as much tax!

 

confused?

It's good to belong, unless people are waiting for you...

 

bhs has closed for good

no more in your neighbourhood

struggled recent years, oh yes

stuck 'tween Primark/M&S

the staff are full of apprehension

there's not enough to pay their pension

meanwhile he - Sir Philip Green

the biggest .... (*) you've ever seen

is doing very well thank you

never short of revenue

likes to splash his dosh about

well, more than me, a lout

he may well yet make recompense

a few bob, well no offence

but two good things about the man

charitable and tottenham fan

PS> *insert your own word here (mine begins with 'c')

PPS> if his lawyer is reading, my name is "chap"

 

Confused?

My Mum preferred ajax over vim

I prefer ajax over PSV Eindhoven

 

 

So Russia rewards its medallists

(some would say elitists)

with money and a German car

but team GB don't go that far

no matter they could try no harder

they'll make do with brand-new Lada

the team GB, they are still chuffed

but doesn't seem to be enough

there's talk aplenty of awards

like Knighthoods, Dames and House of Lords,

It's all too much, where will it end?

just because we 'spend, spend, spend'

how 'bout "Queens Award for Sport"

like those for Nursing or Export

Enterprise and Volunteers

Business, Bravery sincere

surely that would be as good

and give them street cred in their 'hood

 

confused?

Eating a sponge is lovely, unless your partner

has just washed their private parts with it

 

Wanted for the Labour Conference

"Security" - must show much ignorance

you must bring your own hard hat

flak jacket, things like that

daisy roots (steel-capped boots)

somewhat 'hard', not 'cute'

doesn't matter if gear is 'used'

must be politic'ly confused

apply in writing if you can

(sssh, preferably a Corbyn fan)

 

confused?

Going to the fair is good fun

have an affair can be too, but dangerous

 

Tom Cruise fourth on list of earners

not as if he is a learner

this year he earned just £40 million

enough for dolly bird as pillion

but spare a thought - this much is looney

it's three times more than our poor Rooney

 

Confused?

Trumping is good if you are playing whist

otherwise it is rude

 

Nigel went to Mississippi

now i'm not saying he is dippy

but he went to Trump rally

it seems they are quite pally

he offered them advice

they thinking of paradise

that Trump can beat Hillary

forgetting Nigel's pillory

and his own rejection

he never won election

still, ended with all smiles

and Nigel earned air miles

 

confused?

There's a woman I adore, except when she slams it in my face

 

Down at the station, early in the morning,
See the little puffer trains, all in a row.
Here comes the driver to start up the engine,
Puff! Puff! Peep! Peep! Off we go!

Oh dear there's no seat

I'll have to stay on my feet

but first a picture just for you

me sitting down outside the loo

never mind it costs a bomb

I must behave with aplomb

after all  I'm Labour leader

where's that Branson - greedy bleeder

Chuff chuff toot toot nearly there

I'll come back by taxi cab I swear

 

Confused?

Murdering a ham sandwich is good

murdering a person is not

 

Food for thought                                                                                        

Team GB won 67 medals in Rio, courtesy of funding                                     

to the tune of £350 million 2013-17, that's about £87.5                                  

million a year. This is about the same as the club

wages paid to the members of the Euro 16 England

squad for the season 2015/16. And when it came to the

crunch, they were humiliated. Inspired? By who?

 

Confused?

Watching Dave is funny

Having Dave as Prime Minister was not

 

All Night Tube                                                                                              

If you go down to the tube tonight                                                              

you're sure of a bleedin' shock                                                                     

you'd better not wear a frock

for every weirdo that ever there was

will gather there for certain because

night's the time the weirdos are their weirdest

See them really run amok

they love to scare and shock

they may be drunk or high

don't think you can ignore them

watch out for horrid flying phlegm

annoying every passer-by

They'll probably cuss and swear

approch them if you dare

they may look for a fight

by six am they will have fled

and all gone home to bed instead

until to-morrow night...

(with apologies to Jimmy Kennedy)

 

Confused?

Heroines are good

Heroin is not

 

Don't worry if you think

that the weather is a bummer

I hear that next month

will be an Indian summer

No, it was not a forecast

that I saw on the tele

but heard on the wireless

thanks to Radio Delhi

 

Theresa May, Theresa May walking through the Alps

Theresa May, Theresa May having won some scalps

who's left in charge

not Nige Farage

Theresa May, Theresa May, Theresa May...

 

I read the news today oh boy

about a journalist who made the 'plane

although the news was rather daft

well I just had to cringe

hence this whinge

He saw some athletes on his flight

they'd won gold medals just the other night

a crowd of passengers sat and clapped

they'd seen their faces before

nobody was really sure

if they would soon be in the House of Lords...

(Apologies to Lennon & McCartney)

 

Just where were you this last week-end

In the shops with money to spend?

Picnicking with fruit and cream

Or did you support your local team?

On the beach with new frisbee

perhaps you watched sport on TV

with so much choice it's hard to tell

who to watch and what to yell

Prima Donnas tumbling, diving on the floor

or do you not like football anymore?

too many medalists to mention here

but none by name of Vladimir

 

The Brits are doing jolly good

over in the Rio 'hood

some, of course, are millionaires

others fill in questionnaires

then they get some lottery money

which I think is very funny

for some - like Murray - it's their job

others have to earn a bob

you can't distinguish 'tween the two

all are brilliant at what they do

who's to say which skill is best?

a Murray lob or dive abreast

it's market forces that decree

who vacates in Necker, who Torquay

 

Laurel & Hardy, "Carry On" franchise

comedy has always put tears in our eyes

Morecombe and Wise, "Only Fools..."

amongst others, set new 'funny' rules

but now, for your pleasure

a comedic act to (not) treasure

for the dumb and the literati

I introduce... the LABOUR PARTY

 

Theresa, she wants Grammer Schools

but shorely they are just for fools

it done me no arm see, as a rule

to go to bleedin' Secondry School

can rite as good as any Police

as evidunced by this fine peace

 

GB womens rugby - great

through as group winners to last 8

forget the usual brawn v weed

these young girls are built for speed

not sure about Sir Clive's riposte

just how much did he bleedin' cost?

 

The biker men, they fell and lost

just how much did their gear cost?

the cobbles done it for the bikers

better off on foot like hikers

"like fish out of water" man from BBC said

should swap with swimmers; they good at tread

 

the season started at the cottage

down in London village

the toons were in town

but were left with a frown

so Fulham top the table

Newcastle just unable

to shoot and score

Raffa swore

 

EU Referendum (Afterthought)

The 'activists' were clear: half wanted to "Remain", half wanted to "Leave". The other half did not have a bleedin' clue. Three halves? No wonder there was complete and utter confusion...

 

the chinamen are hot under the collar

"sign the ******* agreement" they holler

but we don't want their nuclear charms

we'd rather have lots of nice wind farms

nuclear power is so passe

there are better, safer ways today

no, not lighting candles, chump

but setting fire to Donald Trump

 

dave's in trouble once again

he's giving honours to 'Team Remain'

but his biggest sin is plain to see

he didn't bleedin' include me!

Print Print | Sitemap
© Richard Finch